Please consider exercising at home, or at least outdoors, if the noises you make on the elliptical machine are indistinguishable from the noises you make during a shuddering climax.

Just because they have laces doesn’t mean you’re supposed to work out in them, you tit.

While my heart goes out to the California homeowners whose house was damaged during a Mythbusters segment, I would be remiss if I did not use the incident as a teachable moment regarding the very real destruction that reality shows wreak every day, but which the shows’ various networks keep out of the news. Sure, you haven’t heard about any of these other mishaps, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t happen.* Wake up, sheeple!

1. Stacy and Clinton buried a contributor (What Not To Wear‘s word for its makeover subjects) in Crocs, suffocating her.
2. Though the Survivor opening credits identify contestants as “Americans,” since the show’s premiere, three contestants have been native Canadians.
3. That guy on My Strange Addiction who ate glass was fine, physically, but then on the way out of the therapist’s office, he tripped on a mat and broke his collarbone.
4. One time on Hoarders, they totally found a dead kitty! :(
   
5. Teen Mom baby Leah had her soul stolen by one of the production’s cameras.
6. Top Chef contestants tend to enter the competition with ten fingers each, but not all of them have left that way. (Ditto toes.)
7. America’s Supernanny put a kid in time-out and forgot about him for three days.
8. Property Virgins subjects always think it can’t happen to them, but many of them get pregnant in the very first house they tour.
9. One time on The Amazing Race, the last team to arrive at the Pit Stop didn’t get eliminated! :(
10. Every lady on the Bob Guiney season of The Bachelor got Legionnaire’s Disease.

I don’t care how many towels you put down, it’s just not okay for you to straddle a two-foot-wide bench when you’re naked.

This is the kind of bullshit Sarah sometimes comes back to when she’s working.

I watch The Nate Berkus Show every day (for some reason), and obviously one of their go-to segments is the home makeover. Generally, the segments are introduced by a husband, who’s appealing to the show to make over a room for his wife. These guys produce these effusive testimonials about the women who are the proposed beneficiaries — that they’re loving and hardworking and “do everything for everyone else” and are so busy being living saints that they never consider the importance of letting their homes rise to meet them.

Sometimes, during these segments, I make myself laugh by imagining the copy Dave would submit to try to get me a room makeover from Nate.

“My wife Tara is a dick most of the time. She’d like a new bathroom, though.”