American Horror Story Adds The Velveteen Touch Of A Dandy Fop

Historians Just Want To Have Fun

You're One Of Them Fancy Lads

Name:	Edward Philippe Mott.
Age:	Late 20s.
Occupation:	Art collector -- which in the 18th century was a cute way of saying "rich jerk." Hey, I guess it still is!
Goal:	To build a remote sanctuary where his art collection will be safe -- somewhere his wife and heir, back in Philadelphia, will definitely never want to join him. Which is actually totally fine with Mott.
Sample Dialogue:	"Everyone go home! I am buying the whole lot. I won't be outbid so you're all wasting your time."

What If A Place Were Deserted Because It's A Terrible, Terrible Place?

Like many rich people, Mott is paranoid -- particularly about the security of his art collection. His butler Guinness warns him about "the underground work" Mott has planned: "They dig day and night; it's slow work because of all the trees. Deep roots in these woods." Mott insists, "It must be done. The artworks in this house are worth than every tobacco farm in the state put together. If kidnappers come for them, we need to be able to facilitate their escape."

At least that guy probably won't have to worry about doing any digging himself now? Doris tells us that there were "numerous incidents during the building of the house." But Mott probably didn't mind much since once the construction was over, he could just love up on his boo to his heart's content.

Having Guinness paint his portrait!

Taking a sexy bath! It's during this diversion that Mott complains about the rest of the staff: "They judge us. I can see the way they look. I should get rid of all of them except for you." "Then I would be working all day instead of playing with this," Guinness replies. I guess there must be a rubber ducky or a toy submarine but I wouldn't know because I STILL CAN'T SEE A GODDAMN THING. Mott gets wistful: "The art never judges. I envy it. Life in two dimensions, frozen in forever beauty. To watch the world go by unencumbered by the gossip and pain of three-dimensional men. I love them, you know. The paintings. Even more than I love you."

But it wasn't all portraiture and watery handjobs: "Edward wasn't there two days before things started getting extremely weird," says Notorious DKG.

Mott gathers all the servants for an interrogation.

Or rather, Mott, offscreen, gets made up and bewigged and THEN gathers all the servants for an interrogation because he wants to look great and feel confident when he's screaming in and slapping their faces, demanding to know who cut the face out of his prized John Alden Peele (not a real artist, according to Google). One young woman dares to tell him, "I swear I saw a big white woman and a young man in the yard by the woods a few minutes before you screamed," and we immediately see that it's true...

...but Mott doesn't know that ghosts are real, and really pissed at him, specifically, so he snatches up three of the servants and forces them down into the root cellar, telling them they'll stay there "until the murderer confesses his crime." See, because to this jerk, cutting up a painting is the same as committing murder. He's a jerk! Get it yet? On Mott's orders, and over the servants' screams, Guinness closes and locks the hatch to the cellar, but it's clear that he doesn't feel great about it, but all he can do is look Mott in the eyes...

...and give him THE GLARING OF A LIFETIME. Mott DGAF, and reminds Guinness that he's a servant too.

As Guinness trudges off, Mott looks up.

UH OH. DKG tells us that the rest of what is known about that night is from Guinness's report, as we see Mott shoot up from a nightmare to all the stuff we've seen Butcher & Co. do to Matt and Shelby: ceremonial fire on the lawn, big wooden body-mounting rack. A couple of the Butcher's henchmen drag out Mott, where the Butcher lets him know whose land he actually built his house on: "This land is mine. This land will always be mine. And I shall consecrate my holy right to it with thy blood."

And she means immediately.

DKG wraps up her tale: at some point in all this insanity, Guinness got on a horse and hauled ass. Afterward, there was no evidence that there had ever been a fire, and he was jailed for Mott's murder.

Maybe Guinness's bitterness at having been wrongly accused of a ghost murder is the reason he spitefully never mentioned to anyone that, oh yeah, three human beings were imprisoned in a root cellar? Oh well.

The house stayed in the family trust for over a century, but it wasn't a great line -- "It was said that madness always ran in the family," says DKG, the last Mott having died in South Florida (where else) in 1952 -- and then a succession of other people who didn't know better bought it, which we already know. An offscreen producer asks DKG whether she thinks the house is haunted. "I'm an historian," says DKG. "It would make my life a lot easier if the dead came back. All I can say at this point is that no one will convince me to stay in that house overnight -- certainly not in a full moon." Not even for some cockamamie condition of in a crazy old dead relative's will? DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN, YOU'VE CHANGED.

Everyone Is Going...Away!

When we last left our "heroes," they were, what else, about to get killed by a bunch of old dead colonists, so that's still in progress. There's a lot of yelling and a lot of cowering. Eventually, Matt gives Shelby the car keys and tells her to get Flora out of there. But then...

Flora gets snatched away by an all-new thing. Eventually they find her curled up next to that little door where she'd played with Prescilla? (I THINK? AGAIN, I CANNOT SEE ANYTHING.)

And it wouldn't be a party without ol' Pig Man. Eventually, all these forces (plus the fact that they look out a window and see that the colonists have set their vehicles on fire anyway) seem to herd Matt, Flora, and Shelby back down to the basement...

But maybe that isn't so bad! Mott promises to save them from the Butcher, and when Matt moves a couple of picture frames away from the wall, it turns out Mott had a whole El Chapo tunnel built under the house.

Tunnel FAQ

Q: Aren't Matt and Shelby concerned that this guy with the torch claims to be the man who built the house centuries ago?
A: "As many questions as that raised," says Interview Shelby, "we didn't have time for any more details." Fair enough!

Q: Did Mott appear in the basement at this moment so that he could save them?

A: Not really. "You're my bane, my ruin," Mott tells them. "What I was is no more -- everything precious turned to dust. I have but one last sliver of grace: my solitude, such as it is. I can hardly suffer three more souls."

Q: How long is this tunnel?
A: Interview Shelby says it must have been a mile.

Q: Is it a pleasant stroll?
A: "In some places the walls were moving, infested with insects," says Interview Shelby. "It smelled like the grave." All right, cool it with the melodrama.

Q: Where do they end up?
A: Nowhere Mott cares to join them: he leaves them someplace in the woods and peaces out with his torch.

Q: But he must have left them somewhere safe, right?

A: Not...really.

I Dismember: Mama!

Name:	Mama.
Age:	Early 60s.
Occupation:	Parent; meat smoker.
Goal:	To lead the Polk family with pride; to get back the feral "babies" Matt and Shelby turned over to the authorities after finding them suckling at a sow; to turn intruders into jerky.
Sample Dialogue:	After trying some of the Elias jerky the Millers have all declined and spitting it across the room: "Shit. Rancid! I like my meat sweet....He's spoiled. No reason to keep it alive."

The cops having been unable to get Lee to confess to Mason's murder in forty-eight hours, Lee is released, and sees that she's got a couple of dozen texts from Matt -- including one informing her that Flora's back and safe.

"Safe" is relative in this story, because right now Flora's in the Polks' truck with Matt and Shelby, en route to her appointment to be a human sacrifice by the Butcher. There's a struggle in which you will be shocked to learn I can barely see what's happening, but it seems that Matt struggles to get the gun from the tank top enthusiast Polk played by Chaz Bono, and in the melee, Ishmael -- who's driving the truck -- gets shot. Shelby takes advantage of the lurching truck to kick Chaz out of the bed and then run out to hide in a culvert or something.

But then Lee calls, and when Shelby silences her phone, Chaz finds them.

Lee figures something terrible must be happening if no one's answering their phones -- and not, say, because something bad has been in the process of happening every second since she first pulled up to Hell House? -- and asks a sheriff for a ride back to the Miller manse.

But they'd better be quick, because now Matt is on his knees in front of Mama, and Mama's not happy that he killed her boy: "If she didn't want you so bad, I'd bash your skull in right now." As she comes toward him with an axe, Matt mumbles, "Do whatever you want to me. I won't run again." But she's really serious about not killing anyone the Butcher's already called dibs on...

...and chops Shelby in the ankle instead. SHE'S NOT GOING TO BE DOING ANY WARRIOR POSES ANY TIME SOON I GUESS.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig! Look, the neighbours are setting up for a cookout!

Mama drops off the meat. The Butcher offers condolences for Mama's loss before Mama shambles back to the truck. But then it's time to get on with it, as someone snatches up Flora. "You promised she'd be last," Prescilla yelps. "Now she goeth first!" the Butcher spits back. Staredown!

As the cop car pulls up the driveway, all this bonfire mishegoss is perfectly visible, though Lee can't see from where she is that Flora's about to be put on the spit. She tells the cop behind the wheel to call for backup, but as soon as she's out of the car, he or she peels out, because HE OR SHE IS NOT AN IDIOT.

But then all of a sudden good old Ambrose has one of his trademark changes of heart and declares that he won't let the Butcher shed another drop of innocent blood, and throws her into the fire instead. This seems very abrupt, but I guess it is the season finale so we'll never know what made him find a conscience all of a sudden. OH, IT'S NOT THE SEASON FINALE? I HOPE IT TAKES ALL THE REMAINING EPISODES FOR US TO WALK BACK THROUGH AMBROSE'S WHOLE DEAL, THAT WAS FUCKING FASCINATING WHEN WES BENTLEY DID IT LAST SEASON.

Anyway, Mott has gotten out of the tunnel to cut through Matt and Shelby's bindings, and then Lee, driving the only slightly burned car, mows down the Pig Man advancing on Flora and bellows at all the non-ghosts to get in. The Butcher actually staggers out of the fire and gives chase, but this kind of ghost isn't faster than the internal combustion engine, apparently.

"It was a miracle," says Interview Shelby. "After all we'd been through. I still can't explain the crazy things we saw. We were lucky to be alive." She still has nightmares about the whole ordeal, but she's just grateful she'll never have to see the house again."

They all have enough cash between them to get a cheap motel room and a pizza; the next day Shelby's sister would wire them money for a plane ticket back to L.A., where they'll be homeless but presumably not beset by Roanokeans, so it seems like the right choice. But when it's Shelby's turn for the shower...

"To this day, I still have that dream," says Interview Shelby. "I've tried yoga, meditation -- hypnotherapy, even." When not even yoga can help you, you know you have been through it. Anyway, they escaped with their lives, but she never completely got over it, and she's not sure she ever will.

And, uh...that's it for these guys, I guess? Whose Roanoke Nightmare will we see next? (If the scenes for next week are anything to go by: someone with striking eyebrows and gorgeous cheekbones!)