American Horror Story: Hotel Lets Liz Explore Her Daddy Issues

Best Friends For Ever...Afterlife

Liz is checking in on the room where an elderly couple has just celebrated their wedding anniversary with a suicide pact -- the wife hasn't been the same since the cancer and doesn't want to be a burden; the husband doesn't want to live without her -- when she's overcome with emotion at the idea that she'll never again find someone who loves her enough to join her in ending both their lives simultaneously. That, and she knows that Countess Elizabeth is probably going to get around to slitting her throat pretty soon. "What's the point of waiting around for someone to stab you in the back? I'm already dead."

Iris, who's somewhat less moved by this display of unconditional love ("All I can see is the eight hours of hard scrubbing it's going to take to get the blood out of these walls") gasps and stops liz before she can do anything crazy, reminding her that if she kills herself at the Cortez, she'll be stuck there for eternity. (Knowing that's definitely the rule, I fully expect to see these two dead raisins kicking around the place when the show comes back in the new year -- I guess it wasn't quite murder, since it was consensual, but they did shoot each other's brains out.) Iris adds that Liz probably has unfinished business, and Liz agrees that she actually does: there's the matter of her son, left behind in Topeka when Liz embarked upon her new life. Liz always meant to put things right, and to apologize for leaving him. Iris briskly replies that Liz can do that, give Iris time to cancel her subscriptions to Country Living and Reader's Digest -- you know Mama loves her Humor In Uniform and stencil projects: "Then we'll be ready to go....You don't have to do this alone." Liz, touched, says she thought Iris was "reborn," but it turns out that being undead isn't as awesome as Iris thought it might be; she thought Donovan brought her back because he loved her, but now she knows he doesn't, and never will. No, it's a better idea to find a nice place that ISN'T the Cortez, go there, and off themselves there...together. "Make a clean exit." And given how annoyed Iris was that this couple suicided all over a hotel room she was responsible for instead of their own house, the "clean" part will probably be of paramount importance.

Here Comes The Son

Who's causing a family crisis? Liz.

How? It's not so much that she's initiating a new crisis as dredging up an old one -- namely, her having left her son back in the '80s and kept in touch only with letters and cheques.

Which relatives have a problem with it? Miss Evers, one of Liz's Cortez sisters, does Liz the favour of phoning her son to tell him about the trip to Los Angeles he's been gifted. (Ghosts can use the phone? All the more reason NEVER to pick up a call from an unknown number.) But then, she's kind of rude in the way she attempts to get Liz to manage her expectations about how this visit's going to go: "You don't know exactly the young man's aspect....His worldview. I fear you are challenging him to be very understanding....Back in my day, fairies knew never to father children. It would only add to the mayhem. My cousin Frederick -- he was always getting into his sister's peignoir and stockings. And then one day, he found his place -- his station in life. Took his comfort in the sacramental vestments. He might've become a monsignor had he not succumbed to his appetites." "I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE," Liz finally yells. "I lost interest long ago in whatever you claim to be," shrugs Miss Evers. "All I know is some poor boy threw a ball in the back yard, and suddenly his proud papa wasn't there to catch it. So now here comes this same little boy, to visit someone he's always longed to see, and instead, he's going to be confronted by the ghost of Theda Bara!"

Who's an unlikely ally? Miss Evers again, who knocks off the hate speech when Liz gives her the promised token she'd receive if she made the call.

Spoiler: The former Mrs. Liz Taylor was something of an unlikely ally to her ex, too.

Sally and Lowe celebrate his having knocked out another commandment -- the one about having no other gods. It seems he busted into a storefront church, which may have been holding a santeria service; it's kind of hard to tell in the few seconds before he kills everyone and relieves them of their ears. "One more and you'll be free," coos Sally. Why is this something she's excited about? I kind of assumed once he was done he'd leave, and she can't, so...I guess she's just really selfless and supportive of Lowe's interests!

Donovan sneaks into Rudolph's motel room to bat him around psychologically for a while. When Rudolph, affronted by this intrusion, demands to know who Donovan is, he answers right away: "Who am I? I'm you, asshole." Maybe Donovan's actually not as dumb as he is pretty, if he can come up with a zinger like that right off the dome!

In her suite, the Countess tells a just-arrived Natacha that they need to talk. Natacha had a feeling the Countess didn't actually invite Natacha over to go through her closet: "I'm not interested in your castoffs anyway, though I know you're very interested in mine." We cut back and forth between the two switched-up pairs -- Rudolph is dismissive of Donovan, particularly his looks ("You should grow out that little beard! You know? Maybe you could find work in the westerns"); Natacha doesn't believe the Countess really does love Rudolph -- until...

To be alive in a bricked-up hallway for a century and meet such ignominious ends! Why even be a vampire.

Oh, and then Donovan keeps shooting just to make sure he really destroys the face the Countess has kept trying to find on other playthings through the years. "Not so pretty now, are you. I have better cheekbones anyway. Cheekbones for days."

"Can I Actually Get A Plasma Macchiato?"

Who's on a date? Lowe and Alex. March is super-psyched about this new plan he wants to get cracking on with Lowe after they wrap on the commandments, but Lowe's not trying to hear that; suddenly, he's laser-focused on Alex again.

Where has he taken her? That weird dining room where March has his monthly dinners with the Countess. Spare no expense, why don't you.

Are things headed in a horizontal direction? Not right away; Alex is kind of sheepish about her recent switch to a blood-based diet. But when he confronts her about having lied to him about their son still being alive (ish) and about the totally real things Lowe experienced that she claimed were evidence of his psychotic break, she's not especially sorry: I made my choice to be with Holden. I didn't tell you because I was afraid you would say something to change my mind. I don't regret my decision." That said: even though things are still on the tense side now, they're about to...relax. WINK.

Fake Self-Deprecation: There's NOTHING WORSE

Lowe and Alex eventually get around to talking about their other, non-undead child, which is considerate of them because she's easy to forget. "All this time, you've seen her twice," says Lowe. "She told me." "And how many times have you been to visit Grandma?" she shoots back. "No excuses," Lowe agrees. "We abandoned her. We're the world's worst parents." "At least that's one thing we can agree on," says Alex with a dry chuckle. Yeah, um, YOU DON'T GET TO "JOKE" ABOUT THAT WHEN YOU BOTH VERY WELL COULD BE THE WORLD'S WORST PARENTS. Gross.

Here's Looking At You, Kid

And The Cat's In The Cradle And The Silver Paillettes

Though Liz hasn't quite managed yet to reveal her identity to Douglas, she's having a wonderful time getting to know him over drinks, seeing firsthand how kind, warm, and accepting he is; not only isn't Douglas rattled to see that his bartender is apparently a biological man in a dress, he admires Liz's dress and asks what the sparkly things on it are called. (They're paillettes, and now that he's learned that vocabulary word, Douglas is more knowledgeable about fashion than about half the contestants on the last season of Project Runway were.) Before long, though, we're knee-deep in dramatic irony.

Lowes vs. VampKids

At their air-clearing coffee, Alex told Lowe that the Countess found out about the chain reaction of Alex's having turned Max, and she is piiiiiiissed -- like, so pissed that she's threatened both Alex AND Holden with death if Alex doesn't handle the situation, and I have to say that while this is a tough approach to management, she's got a fucking point: Alex is pretty much directly responsible for a murder spree that could very well draw attention to Alex -- and, by extension, to the Countess -- that neither of them needs. Anyway, Lowe is on board to help Alex contain the outbreak, to which end they've returned together to the last place she saw the VampKid gang.

When they arrive, they see police tape all around the doorway, leading Alex to assume that they took her advice and fled the area before the cops arrived. But when she and Lowe go inside and Lowe goes upstairs to investigate, Alex, left downstairs, hears faint, pitiful coughing, and soon finds a little girl alone in the middle of the living room floor, apparently dying of measles/blood dehydration (which I guess means the police department on this show is just as incompetent as the one on Scream Queens). The girl's just told Alex her name is Kimmy and that she wants her mom when Jimmy springs out of the shadows with a knife and attacks Alex, because OF COURSE these little psychos were too dumb to have left. Lowe comes back down and intervenes before Jimmy can get the jump on Alex, but not even Lowe pointing a gun in his face can rattle Jimmy: "There's a lot more of us than you." That cues all the other VampKids to drift out of the shadows, but as we saw in the last episode, cracks are starting to form: Kimmy's distress is proof that some of them are still on a hunger strike, and when Kimmy starts choking and coughing, they all start freaking out; even Jimmy screams at Alex to "fix her!"

Alex duly follows her oath (lol she's a doctor you guys) and performs CPR, but she can't revive her: "It's too late for Kimmy." However, Kimmy's tragic death does give Lowe an opening to set his and Alex's plan in motion: "Doesn't have to be too late for the rest of you." And maybe now that they've JUST seen one of their number expire in front of them, even this bunch of idiot children/monsters are ready to consider that someone might know better than they do how to run their un-lives.

Winner: Lowes.

Draken 2

Who's causing a family crisis? Will.

How? The Countess is in the middle of telling a couple of detectives all about how her brand-new husband disappeared seconds after their wedding (and, it must be noted that this scene features some of the shittiest acting Lady Gaga has done this season; I'm not as down on her performance as some people, but she even walks weird here. I don't even think it's that it's supposed to be THE COUNTESS badly acting because she is, obviously, lying her immortal face off to the cops about what happened to Will, since we've obviously seen her lie competently all season) when he walks in, seeming very much alive.

Which relatives have a problem with it? The Countess, since the first stage of her getting control of all his assets would involve an official paper trail and now he's delayed that by appearing in front of a couple of officers and making it seem very much like he is not "missing" at all, never mind dead.

Who's an unlikely ally? After the detectives have departed, Will('s ghost) gets salty with the Countess about her plan to have him declared dead and take over his empire, but that's not what she wants to do at all; she intends to liquidate it and enjoy the money instead. Will sneers that she's not the heir to his estate, to which she replies that he made her Lachlan's legal guardian (...uh, remember him? At least one day has passed since the wedding -- does he even know his dad is "gone"?). Will, starting to get alarmed, says that responsibility only lasts until Lachlan reaches the age of majority, to which the Countess purrs, "Assuming he ever does." She adds that she doesn't kill children, but that she might "make him a blood relative." Will takes off to check in with Lachlan, so I'm going to go ahead and say he's going to have to enter into an uneasy alliance with the Countess on Lachlan's behalf.

Spoiler: This is not the last we'll see of Will in this episode...or, at least, of a VERSION of him.

Vampire Academy Is Now In Session

The Lowes lead the VampKids through the lobby of the Cortez and up to what Alex describes as "a room at the end of the hall" that she's set up for them; she tells them to go in and says she's going to go find them something/one to eat. The kids have instinct enough to want to wait outside until she comes back, but she convinces them to go in, and they do, with extreme reluctance that turns out to be extremely prescient when we see that it's obviously not a room...

...it's the Secret Bricked-Up Soundproof Hallway Of Getting Eaten By Ramona Royale.

Stellar Diagnosis, DOCTOR

Lowe and Alex celebrate having gotten the better of the VampKids by fucking. Let's join them for afterglow pillow talk to see what an amazing judge of character Alex is!

Sally vs. Lowe

When Alex leaves to check on the kids, Sally appears to pick a jealous fight with Lowe: "Did you come inside her or did you shoot on the tits like you do with me?...With the whore, it's always on the tits. That's what I am to you: a whore." "It's not like that," Lowe mealymouths. "I told you what you meant to me." Sally growls that he said he loved her, and he agrees: "I have loved you. What we have -- it's an addict's high. In the moment, it seems like it's never-ending. But it always ends."

Then Sally starts pawing at Lowe and he responds and this scene starts yawing from fighting to (pre-)fucking and it goes on for. ev. ER. The upshot is that even though Lowe can't argue Sally's point that Alex left him, or that Alex probably isn't going to be that happy if and when she finds out he's A SERIAL KILLER, he needs to try to make things work with her for the sake of the kids, and as he storms out, Sally screams after him, "You'll be back, asshole! She'll leave you once she learns what you are! She'll leave you or maybe I'll kill that bitch!"

Winner: Lowe, but who cares, really.

Father And Child Reunion

Liz having decided that even though her drinks date with Douglas wasn't 100% frank, she's satisfied that he's grown into a good man and isn't too bitter about growing up without his dad, so Liz and Iris have given Miss Evers their parting gift of a stacked washer-dryer and are about to get back to working out the details on their suicide pact when Miss Evers informs Liz that Douglas is back at the bar, waiting for Liz.

Since (other than the stupid Lowe/Sally fight because seriously who gives shit one about either of them) I had really been loving this episode I was TERRIFIED of how this last encounter was going to go, but it's...maybe the best scene of this whole season? Liz puts on her bartendress game face and takes her position as Douglas excitedly tells her that she has news: he and Janice are Boulder-bound! He is going to follow his kayaky dreams! He thanks Liz for having given him the push he needed to make the decision. Liz says she has something to tell Douglas too, and that it's difficult...

...but Douglas gently tells her, "Hey. Dad. It's not difficult. Or it doesn't have to be. Mom gave me a few clues, I put 'em together. She warned me that I wouldn't recognize you, but I did. I mean, I do."

Liz is, of course, moved, but maybe overreaches just a tad when she sighs, "And I recognize myself in you. How did I get so lucky to raise a child so compassionate?" Without any rancor, Douglas replies, "Mom raised me. You left. That hurt," because seriously, Liz, come on. Anyway, Douglas adds that he told Janice he was going to "make things good" between himself and Liz, and that Janice is happy for them. Misty-eyed, Liz asks, "You have no problem with the fact that your father is a woman?" "I really learned something when Pedro died on The Real World," says Douglas shyly. "I kept learning. Plenty of time to talk it out, Liz. But hey -- there's plenty of room for another woman in my life."

Me too, Liz. Me too.

Pretty Sure The Countess Isn't Cleaning Up Anything Ever Again, If She Ever Even Has?

Over dinner, Donovan and the Countess chat about their days. He's surprised to have heard from her, since he thought she'd be on her honeymoon in Paris, but she says she did something dumb -- which, though it felt good in the moment, has left her with a mess on her hands:

Death Doesn't Quite Become Her

Who called the meeting? Liz.

What's it about? Ye olde suicide pact.

How'd it go? The best. First, Liz is amazed to see the sheer volume of potential suicide tools Iris has assembled for them to choose from.

Next, Liz is moved by the corniness of the tribute video Iris has made...for herself.

It's set to "I Hope You Dance," because why wouldn't it be. Liz has an editing note on it so that the image of the chimp lines up with the "never lose your sense of wonder" lyric, but Iris correctly guesses that Liz is stalling, and Liz admits that, now that her relationship with her son has been healed, she's not as sure as she was that she still wants to kill herself: "What if one day he has kids? I'd be a grandmother, Iris." This launches Iris into her default self-pity: "Yeah, well, I've lived alone all my life. Every single person I've ever loved has abandoned me, so why should you be any different?" But Liz is not having it!

"You and I are women of a certain age," says Liz, once she's dramatically gotten Iris's attention. "We have suffered more than our fair share. Dammit, we're the ones who should inherit the earth! We should freakin' take over this damn hotel! Spiffy it up! Turn it into a place with as much hope as your rainbow montage -- Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. We're entitled to a second chance -- a glorious, blazing final act. My friend: the best is yet to come."

Who wouldn't be won over by a speech like that? Hell, now I want to take over the Cortez with Liz. I'm a woman of a certain age!!!

"If we do this, there's no going back," Alex warns Lowe, before pushing open the door to the nursery where Holden is hanging out playing videogames, as one does. Lowe is, of course, over-the-top thrilled to be reunited with him, since this is the first time it actually counts and he's aware of it, unlike the dozens of times Lowe's already seen him but thought he was dreaming or crazy or whatever the fuck. "That's exactly how I remembered him," Lowe drools, like, does he maybe not ACTUALLY get what is happening here? "And that's exactly how he'll stay," Alex promises. And then it's time for the Lowes to go home. Hope you like the idea of getting homeschooled and never reaching physical sexual maturity or...leaving the house, Holden! THIS IS YOUR LIFE FOR ETERNITY OR UNTIL SOMEONE IS KIND ENOUGH TO MURDER YOU!

Lowe has both Alex's and Holden's hands in a death grip as they march through the lobby...

...and of course fucking Sally has to lean over from the mezzanine to scream at him like the crazy junkie ghost she is: "JOHN. I'M GOING TO KILL YOU. I SWEAR ON MY SOUL I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!" What soul.

Hilariously, Donovan is smoking and drinking and slinking around Drake-style to "Hotline Bling" when the Countess tearfully returns from her visit with Rudolph's ruined corpse. "You didn't run," she marvels. "Why would I run?" he breathes. "You'd only find me." "I couldn't find him," she burbles. "For almost a century. I didn't know if he was dead or had abandoned me. Neither of which were true, because he'd been trapped here the whole time." "He's not the only one who's been trapped here," Donovan notes. "We all have. At least now he's free. And this time you know he didn't abandon you." The Countess asks if Donovan killed Rudolph and took credit for it because he wished to be set free, and Donovan replies that he knew what it would mean when he did it; he knew what Rudolph was the moment he saw him. "He made me everything I am!" the Countess squeaks. "And you made me in his image," Donovan replies. Ew, Donovan, you killed your own grandsire!!! The Countess admits that she did try to turn Donovan into her new Rudolph, because she thought she couldn't be without him: "You were never him. You could never be him. So you destroyed him." "First chance I got," Donovan immediately agrees. "And you knew I'd come back here to kill you." "Yes," he tells her. "And you don't care," she guesses. "I do," he says. "I do care. I just don't mind. Dying is the only way you'll let me love you."

"I don't know how else to do it," Donovan tells the Countess, putting her razor-gloved hand on his throat. "Beautiful boy," she coos. "Willing to sacrifice everything for the love of me. What a beautiful thing I've made." And just when we're about to find out whether the Countess is going to avenge her one true love or decide that maybe Donovan is an okay replacement...

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS KWEENS! HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO US ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!