America's Got Talent Dances Around The Obvious

If more proof were required that this show doesn't need to be two hours long (it wasn't), the fact that the episode titled "Extreme Auditions" only actually gets to the extremity in Hour 2; the first hour is just regular in-studio auditions, so if you were tuning in to see two full hours of people almost decapitating yourselves, NBC owes you an apology.

Sloppiest Dance Crew

Guys, literally no one loves a dance crew more than I do -- not even Randy Jackson, who rolled over on the cancellation of Randy Jackson Presents America's Best Dance Crew a hell of a lot more easily than I would have Tara Ariano Presents America's Best Dance Crew. But The Squad is not doing it for me.

I personally think five is right around the appropriate number of members for a dance crew, and this eleven-member crew demonstrates why: the more guys you add, the sloppier you're going to get. If you can't perform in perfect unison, choreograph something else. (And nice try with the costuming, but making all your legs black doesn't conceal the fact that they're not in sync.)

Awkwardest Auditioner

Even before we get to all the dicking around outdoors, this episode presents the performer who helps me arrive at my thesis statement for the week: there's a difference between an activity and an act.

Is Uzeyer good on the ladder? Absolutely; that shit is cool. But if he were to win, (a) he apparently isn't going to be able to deliver anything along the lines of stage patter, and (b) doesn't this look like something you could learn if you spent a week at circus school?

Second-Biggest Waste Of Time

The actual biggest waste of time in the episode -- a base jumper making us wait like ten minutes while he flew straight up in a helicopter, circled for a while, and then fell out, yawn -- didn't make it onto YouTube, but this kid is almost as exhausting.

Being great at something anyone can do on vacation is fine, but what makes this special -- that he loop-de-loops fifty times? We get it. Who's going to pay $100 to go sit beside a lake in Nevada and watch an hour of this? An activity is not an act.

Most Astonishing Approval

"Pyro Boy" has built himself a costume he can cover with fireworks.

That's it. Fucking Heidi can't even watch his "performance" and puts him through. Why? So he can prove he belongs on the Olympic Standing There team (tm Joey Tribbiani)? AN ACTIVITY IS NOT AN ACT -- and anyway, this is barely an activity.

Most Dead Weight

I have no idea what this even is.

What makes this a "talent": not dying? And what are all the other members of the group who aren't driving there for -- providing ballast? What are they celebrating? AN ACTIVITY IS NOT AN ACT, GAAAAAAAH!!!!!1!

Least Smarter Than A Fifth Grader

Okay, these dirtbikers actually put together something that is both "extreme" and a legit act.

However, I don't feel their work should be promoted until they learn that the word isn't spelled "Mulisha."