America's Kidz Got Dancing

If its own Season 10 premiere is to be trusted, America's Got Talent is the #1 show of summer, so I guess if I want to consider myself a real expert on the landscape of current television -- and I absolutely do -- then I should at least give it a shot, right? RIGHT? ...I'm not so sure either, but I did so, and here's the breakdown.

Most Upsetting Exploitation Of Children (Actual)

Elin and Noah are hip-hop dancers who, I assume, honed their craft on the child beauty pageant circuit if their mugging and especially her hair are anything to go by.

The package doesn't introduce us to the people who have raised these two affected little pukes, but that's probably because they're the grossest kind of grasping stage parents, right? Given how off-putting the kids are for every bit of footage around the display of their actual talent, I was not prepared for how good they actually are as dancers, but even so, what is the point of considering an act like this? They're going to have a residency in Vegas? They're TINY CHILDREN. "They're probably 'homeschooled' by their gross, grasping stage parents," you say? That shouldn't be rewarded!

Most Upsetting Exploitation Of Children (Artificial)

I don't care that this creep didn't make it through.

This is horrifying and those baby masks should be illegal.

Best Homage To The Fosters

A dance routine in which performers are doubled by digital doppelgängers?

Pretty cool, Siro-A, but Mariana Adams Foster got there first.

Basics' Biggest Pantydropper Since 50 Shades Of Grey

The whoop that goes up when these acrobats half-disrobe is a real bummer.

Ladies, they just took their shirts off. Please, for the sake of your own health: investigate pornography.

Worst Send-Up Of Someone's Apparently Pretty Serious Anxiety Disorder

HAR HAR, THIS HYPNOTIST IS GOING TO MAKE NOTED GERMOPHOBE HOWIE MANDEL TOUCH PEOPLE'S HANDS LIKE HE NEVER DOES WHEN HE'S IN CONTROL OF HIS FACULTIES!

I actually think Howie Mandel is faking that he was hypnotized at all -- he's not that good an actor -- but the premise of this whole bit is still pretty offensive.

Deepest V

Oh hey, Dadcrobat.

Loved you on SNL.

Biggest Overcorrection From A Divorce

Ohhhhh, Samantha.

You're putting on a brave face with this "professional cuddler" nonsense, but the barely stifled shriek in your voice tells me you are BARELY holding it together. And, again: this is not an act you can mount in Las Vegas, so it's kind of mean to put her through to the stage just for the sake of making a judge club sandwich.

Best Mel B Moment

To all the young people out there: even if your fellow judges and a whole crowd of people urge you to kiss a puppet just because he sang a song to you, that does not mean you have to do it. #RapeCulture

Good for you, Mel, for resisting the tide of public opinion in the hall and refusing to vote for this freak to advance.

Most Patronizing Response

Drew Lynch seems like a very nice young man and his personal story is certainly heartbreaking.

But if I were a physically or neurologically challenged comedian who was able to get through my act without almost crying, I would be offended at the way he trades on it for sympathy rather than polishing his set until his impairment is just part of it and not...it.