'We Were ALL Rooting For You!'

Since our topic this week was reality competitions, I wanted to stay on theme with regard to The Canon, and as I flicked through my mental Rolodex of most memorable, most series-defining episodes of reality competition shows, it didn't take long for one to present itself as the strongest contender for Canon victory: America's Next Top Model Cycle 4, Episode 7: "The Girl Who Pushes Tyra Over The Edge."

After the usual rehashing of the last judging panel -- Rebecca was in the bottom two, and needs to step it up to prove to the judges that she has the capacity to be sexy and edgy and that she is progressing, and by the way did she mention she has a fiancé, named Todd, back in Minnesota? 'Cause she does -- the girls go out to dinner at Dolce, Ashton Kutcher's restaurant. Remember the early aughts, when celebrities showed their status by owning restaurants for a while? Anyway: Tiffany's hesitant response to tuna tartare shorthands that she is a country mouse and feels self-conscious and culture-shocked.

The next day, the girls all put on their flared-leg hiphuggers and go for their "Teach," at a suburban playhouse, which means acting. Acting teacher/dialect coach Larry Moss reminds them that models are sometimes called on to be spokespersons. True! With that in mind, Larry's going to teach them a cockney accent, like the ones we hear in ads for TRESemmé and Lactaid every day. Tiffany notes that the other girls' enunciation is clearer than hers, and that this will be a real challenge for her.

Back at the loft, the girls try to learn the lines in the My Fair Lady ripoff script they've all been given. Though Michelle tries to help Tiffany with her accent (which Tiffany should politely decline, but anyway), Tiffany announces that she quits, but then goes to the phone room for a restorative call with her grandmother, which allows the editors a nice opportunity to remind us of Tiffany's audition for the show -- her second, after getting into a physical fight during the auditions the previous cycle -- and her touching backstory: to wit, Tiffany's grandmother skipped an electric bill and let the lights go out in order to buy Tiffany the two swimsuits she'd need in order to audition for the show a second time. In the present, Tiffany's grandmother tells her to do her best and be herself, which I guess is okay advice.

The next day, the girls go back to the playhouse for their challenge, and learn that their scene partner will be former model/current TV dreamboat Boris Kodjoe, so everyone freaks out about how hot he is. No one is that great. Tiffany doesn't really try at all; Boris says she sounded like a girl on a plantation in Alabama.

Naima wins the challenge, and takes Tatiana and Michelle with her to share a total of $10,000 worth of very tacky diamond jewellery. At the loft, Rebecca continues feeling pre-defeated and calls her fiancé Todd for strength because I forget if I already said this but she's engaged.

At the photo shoot the next day, Jay Manuel tells them they're going to be modelling opposite a male model named, I think, Rib? They'll be having a fake pillow fight while wearing their Wonderbras and matching panties, as you do. Kahlen's nervous because she's never had a boyfriend; Rebecca's nervous about faking intimacy with a man other than Todd, the fiancé back home to whom she is engaged.

After the shoot, Tiffany talks to Keenyah about her insecurities, which presents us with another flashbackortunity, as Past Tyra bucks up Past Tiffany and tells her she's letting herself get scared about new experiences. JUST LIKE HOW TIFFANY WAS SCARED OF THE TUNA TARTARE, YOU GUYS. Keenyah reminds Tiffany that she was picked to be on the show for a reason.

Before the judging at Panel, there is a mini-challenge. The girls each take turns reading copy off a TelePrompTer, and of course the text is loaded with gotchas like "Hermès," "Gisele Bündchen," and "magenta," and no one exactly covers herself with glory, but everyone gamely tries it out and/or goofs her way through it except guess who. Tiffany starts to read, stops, and says she can't. Tyra tells her that if she doesn't do it, she's going home, and all the judges tell her everyone else sucked anyway. Tiffany tries again, finally just switching words she doesn't know with others that are close-ish ("charismatic" instead of "chartreuse," for instance), and as she trudges off, she mutters to herself that this experience is more humiliating each week.

There are photo critiques; no one's is especially notable except guess whose. Janice Dickinson calls Tiffany out for the closing "this is so humiliating" thing we just heard, and adds that it won't matter how beautiful she is if she has a defeatist attitude; Tyra agrees that she can't keep telling Tiffany to do things and threatening her with elimination if she doesn't; Tiffany needs to motivate herself.

There is judging, and then the distribution of photos. Tiffany and Rebecca are in the bottom two, and in a surprise move, Tyra reveals that the last photo in her hand is BLANK and that they're BOTH going home. Rebecca and Tiffany go over to the remaining girls for hugs and goodbyes, during which Tiffany quietly makes self-deprecating remarks to the other girls and gently teases them for being so sad about her leaving. To any of us NORMAL PEOPLE watching, this is obviously Tiffany trying to put on some bravado and leave with some dignity, but Tyra does not interpret Tiffany's behaviour the same way. She calls Rebecca and Tiffany back to the shame spot on the carpet, where she tells Rebecca that she can tell from the fact that Rebecca's crying that she really feels sad about getting eliminated. Not so Tiffany -- and this takes us into the moment which, if you remember this episode, is why you remember this episode.

The thing about Top Model -- and, really, about any competition show where the outcome is determined not by math (the vote counts on Survivor or Big Brother) or time (crossing the finish line on The Amazing Race), but by the subjective whims of judges -- is that the supposedly iron-clad rules governing what will determine one's success in the game actually change from week to week. On The Apprentice, you have to look out for yourself, except when you need to demonstrate that you can be a team player. On Project Runway, you need to show versatility, except when you need to define your signature style. And on Top Model, you need to be able to sell swimwear when you're standing in frigid water, except when you need to stand up for yourself and look after your personal and professional interests viz not freezing to death. Tyra's reaction here strikes me as the same kind of bullshit: the panel had just finished telling Tiffany to be herself and have fun with the TelePrompTer even if she fucked it up, and here Tiffany is trying to be herself and raise the morose tone of the room by making completely innocuous jokes about the situation, and she gets two barrels of Tyra Banks crazy for her troubles.

Part of what may be going on here is related to the background that the episode (and this season) remind us Tiffany comes from. When she washed out of the auditions in the previous cycle, it's because she was pushed into a bad situation and felt that, in order to save face, she had to fight her way out. Here, the judges get frustrated by Tiffany's unwillingness to throw her all into challenges that she thinks are going to make her look foolish; goofing around, knowing the result might be public failure, doesn't seem like something Tiffany would have ever learned is okay.

I also think there's a lot of material here for a psychologist to dig into in terms of Tyra taking Tiffany's attitude especially personally because she sees so much of her own background in Tiffany, and that there's maybe a question of racial identity at play -- that Tyra would have so loved to have had the opportunity she thinks Tiffany's insufficiently grateful for, and thus that Tiffany is letting down her community -- but since I'm so white I'm practically clear, that's all I feel qualified to say about it. In fact, even that is probably too much.

My point is that there's more underlying Tyra's freakout than just Tyra's freakout, and when you scratch the surface a little, it makes the moment more significant (and pivotal for the whole series). But honestly, even if you don't go along with me on the layers below Tyra's temper tantrum, the tantrum alone is still FUCKING GREAT.

Tiffany gets one last chance to speak for herself: she says Tyra was right, and that the only reason she hadn't quit sooner was that she didn't want to let down her grandmother. And don't worry about Rebecca: this experience has taught her What Really Matters: "I'm going home to get married." Barf. Uh, I mean "I wish you joy."

I know we seldom consider reality shows when it comes to the makeup of The Canon. But if we consider The Canon to be the repository for the quintessential, unmissable, most iconic, most memorable, most important episodes of any given series, I feel like "The Girl Who Pushes Tyra Banks Over The Edge And Into A Valley Of Insanity" qualifies.