Beyond 'I Was Drunk!' And 'I Lost A Bet!'

There's no question that America's Worst Tattoos delivers on the promise of its title: if what we see, each week, aren't some of the worst tattoos currently walking around this great country, I hope I never see the ones that are even more poorly drawn, menacing, and/or offensive than the ones that have made it to broadcast. (And if I often feel that the tattoos participants are not getting covered up are as bad or worse than the ones that are, and that perhaps the tattoo coverees should seek out artists that haven't had their own whole throats tattooed, I will grant that it's my issue.) But while the tattoos themselves don't disappoint, the stories behind them generally do: it's always "I lost a bet" or "I did it myself" or "I was drunk" or "I got drunk and did it myself." Why must we keep hearing about how much reality-TV producers manipulate their footage if they're not going to punch up these tales of inky woe?

If you have a regrettable tattoo and are looking to get TLC to pay to cover it up, I recommend boosting your TV-Q by coming up with a novel excuse for why you got it. One of these, for instance!

• "I was trying to get jumped into a gang, but then they disbanded."
• "This restaurant wouldn't consider my sous-chef application unless I had at least twelve tattoos, and I could only come up with eleven good ideas."
• "I needed to project more authority to my kindergarten students."
• "A lot of shit happened to me in prison, of which this tattoo was maybe the seventh-worst."
• "I was the first to fall asleep at a pretty gnarly sleepover."
• "I just wanted to feel something, you know?"
• "I liked that dude's look in Memento. I should probably finish watching that sometime."
• "It was the only way I could think of to piss off my parents. And it worked!"
• "I love bagels, and I love Lou Bega, so...yeah. Lou Bagel."
• "My son dared me."
• "I only recently learned this was a tattoo; I thought it was a birthmark."
• "My wife was taken hostage and the kidnappers accepted my getting this tattoo in their honour in lieu of ransom."
• "They didn't tell me it was going to be permanent!"