Maybe Instead Of Joining A Cult, These Girls Could Start An Etsy Store?

Hey, remind me never to accept hospitality from Hodiak?

When you're coming straight off beating a bantamweight cult leader halfway to death, it makes perfect sense to break into your ice tray and fill up a bowl to soak your bloody knuckles.

But I believe if Det. Hodiak checks his Emily Post, he'll find it's not advised to serve cocktails using ice covered in his thready flesh and bodily fluids.

Also, this guy drinks his booze on the rocks?

Isn't that a little precious for someone who drank so much that, until recently, he wasn't drinking at all? I would have thought that would make him a "warm and straight from the bottle" kind of guy.

Also, this guy fills his ice trays?

I don't even fill my ice trays and I'm a responsible adult. Hodiak's got his shit sufficiently together that he can look ahead to his future cool beverage needs? Because he doesn't have bookshelves.

How psyched was Ms. Sarah D. Bunting about the aftermath of Charlie's assault?

If all we'd seen was Manson lying in bed with his face all fucked up, dayenu.

But seeing her least favourite character on the show -- maybe all of TV -- gingerly treating what seems to be two dislocated testicles has to have been a series-high moment for my esteemed colleague. That it's followed by Manson's non-genital wounds getting bandaged up with maxi-pads is an additional indignity for the little shit that's extra-satisfying.

Are we supposed to be choosing sides between Grace and Ken?

Because Ken's hypocrisy as a closeted man willing to sacrifice his daughter for the sake of his secret and Grace's concern for maintaining appearances after Emma's latest escape hasn't made me any more kindly disposed toward either of their positions -- but it has made me understand why Emma would be so determined to get away from them both, even if the alternative involves a lot of crime and the boning of sketchy weirdos.

Can we get a Bernadette spinoff?

Because look at this face.

Those anxious eyebrows! It's like she knows something bad's about to happen to that kitchen window.

Lori put on this wig to go incognita in the ER, right?

We know that Lori's cover story about how she got the injuries to her face and neck -- that a stranger dragged her into an alley and beat her up, definitely not her football star boyfriend, who'd already left the party they were at! -- is a tissue of lies. But is she also trying to disguise her identity with this ratty wig?

It looks like it came out of a dollar-store mermaid costume.

What did Janet think joining this "family" was going to entail?

Look: in a vacuum, of course it's wrong for a manipulative jagoff to mandate that his nubile female followers perform sex acts on strangers. In a vacuum. But given what we've seen of the Manson family's recruiting practices, Janet joined of her own free will and wasn't kidnapped or anything. You want to enjoy the benefits of being in a cult -- for instance, the fun of hijacking a drugstore delivery truck? Going down on some dude is part of your job description.

Get that puss off your face and get cracking. (I'm kidding. But only kind of! You don't want to blow a stranger? Learn to type!)

Maybe instead of joining a cult, these girls could start an Etsy store?

Or, whatever, a booth at a farmer's market -- whatever the late '60s equivalent to Etsy was. Because clearly they've got free time to spend doing useless busywork.

I've never shot a handgun at a watermelon but I feel like it would be just as much fun seeing its natural rind exploding everywhere without having one of my minions paint it. If the girls have so much time on their hands, maybe they could use it to launder some of the filthy towels we've seen people use? Or steal some!

This crooked landlord knew Shafe was a cop, right?

I mean, I know Shafe is undercover, but how undercover -- so far that he'd fill out his rental application with his cover identity? That seems like a bizarre choice -- as this whole storyline of trying to scare the Shafes into moving underlines, Shafe and Kristin probably had a hard time finding someone to rent to an interracial couple -- so it seems like he would have done whatever he could to make his tenancy seem appealing. But if that's the case, how reckless is this jerk to think he can mess with a cop and not...get investigated?

But also, if the point of this whole (gross, bigoted) scheme is to get the Shafes' white neighbours so scared about the encroachment of non-white families in the area, why would the landlord rent to the Shafes and then turn around and try to get them out? Is a family headed by one person of colour not terrifying enough, so the guy's trying to replace the Shafes with a more intimidating option? Whatever: the purpose of all of this was probably to show us that despite his self-description as someone who doesn't like black people, Hodiak is actually not really racist, and if Kristin is cool with him then we should be too? I'm just happy the Shafes get free rent and that no one's going to mess with Bernadette anymore.

Does a huckleberry pie mean nothing anymore?

Opal will send Cutler off to work with a huckleberry pie...

...but I guess he shouldn't assume that's a symbol of her love since she goes ahead and bones Hodiak hours later. I know your kid is missing, but come on, Opal. Not cool.

If Emma's return home was pleasant enough for her to sit for a beaming photo, then why did she run away again?

Of course, I kid. But here's the photo Grace moons over in the closing montage.

And here are Grace and Emma facing off over the breakfast table in the last episode.

No one thought we'd notice they're both in those outfits in this photo from "happier times," a.k.a. two days ago when they were hating each other's guts? Sloppy!