Battle Of The Arranged Assholes

Whose aggression is more direct?

I figured we should start out with an easy one! Lisa's constant criticism and competition for Josh's love must feel like death by a thousand cuts to poor Meghan, because it is: in the manner of Southern bitches for hundreds of years, Lisa's theory is apparently that she can say whatever she feels like as long as it comes out through a smile and amid copious "bless your heart"s. But while Meghan can have no doubt about all the ways her cooking, housekeeping, and figure fail to meet the high standards Lisa apparently set for Josh's wife, at least Lisa can claim deniability (however implausible) about her motives. Christian has said to Maria's face that he hates spending time with her because she's boring, which: (a) there's no misinterpreting that, and (b) since this week's episode shows us that he is aware of how he may come off in front of the cameras, I'm horrified on Maria's behalf for all the shit he may have said or done to her whenever he knew he wasn't being recorded.

Winner: Christian.

Whose abuse is more damaging to his or her victim?

As bad as Lisa is -- which is very -- at least Meghan does get some respite from her, since they don't live together, and there's a chance that eventually Josh will acknowledge how Lisa is poisoning his relationship with his wife and stick up for Meghan in the face of Lisa's constant -- if cheerful -- verbal assaults. Maria, on the other hand, is joined for life -- I don't know if you know this because they don't bring it up that much, but Gypsies don't tend to get divorced? -- to her abuser; her best and apparently only ally in her daily life is her Gorgon of a mother-in-law, who admits in this episode that Christian is terrible but then LITERALLY SHRUGS. When Christian "jokes" about how much he hates being married to Maria, even her own grandfather thinks it's hilarious. Christian's refusal to treat Maria decently ruins her life daily.

Winner: Christian.

Who's more sexist?

Christian is definitely committed to traditional gender roles, from what we see of the way he orders her around while she's cleaning (in a skirt), scolds her for raising her voice (which she doesn't do, anyway), and flat-out declares, "You're wrong for even questioning me." But then, Lisa's on the record saying not only what household tasks she thinks men and women should be responsible for around the house, but that she doesn't think a woman should be president. Meghan's more progressive mother Maria increasingly seems like she wishes she could chew her own leg off to get out of her joint THes with Lisa and it's because of shit like this. Tough call!

Winner: Draw.

Who, in addition to his/her other failings, cheats at sports?

@TaraAriano Lol no I didn't travel, I picked the ball up, did a euro step and missed with my left hand

— Christian N Maria (@ChristianNMaria) May 27, 2015

Uh huh. Load up the episode at around 01:52 and tell me what you see.

Winner: Christian.

Whose fashion sense is worse?

Both Christian and Lisa have enormous, overworked hair, so that's a draw. But while Christian's jewel-toned buttondowns (pressed by Maria, obviously) are boring/Guido-y...

...I mean, the only excuse for this is elaborate Behind The Candelabra cosplay.

Winner: Lisa.

Verdict

When this season started, I never would have thought any other Arranged cast member could pose a serious challenge to Christian for the title of Most Irredeemable, Hideously Gaping Asshole. So even though Lisa has not actually taken the prize as of the latest episode, I am a little in awe of the fact that she came so close. Maybe if she wants to win it unofficially, she should shoot Meghan a quick text asking for a pic of that ceiling fan to see if it's still dusty!

Winner: Christian.