What Does It Presage For A Marriage When The Bride Craps On The Groom In The Ceremony?

What's the anti-nauseant budget for the crew covering Christian and Maria?

Because they have to listen to some pretty horrible shit -- including when Michael clearly believes he's putting a good face on the Grimm's fairy tale that is Maria's imprisonment with the Miller family. For instance: advice from Michael's cousins. Asked what Maria's biggest complaint is in their marriage, Christian claims it's that he spends too much time playing videogames. REALLY, YOU THINK THAT'S the problem? Not that it's a symptom of the real issue, which is that she knows you don't want to spend time with her because you think she's boring and said so to her face? Anyway, no one present can fact-check Christian's version of events (well, other than said crew, but I guess they're not allowed), and cousin Josh, with two years of marriage under his belt, authoritatively replies, "I have a news flash for you: that's every woman." Maybe just "every woman" these guys know, because the women are oppressed -- and, from what we've seen, verbally abused -- by the mores of Romani "culture"? "As long as you ain't in a club," offers cousin Chris, "as long as you ain't drinkin', as long as you ain't doin' anything crazy, she's gonna be fine!" Yeah, Maria should be grateful that Christian isn't an active cheater/substance abuser! The feelings she's expressed have been invalidated! Now let's hit some balls! BARRRRRRRRRF.

Are all Sangeets this much of a (non-beef) sausage party?

I get why Ragini left early -- the leg she keeps saying is "broken," even though it clearly isn't.

But did she take literally all the other female guests with her?

Do Josh and Meghan really expect us to believe they've never talked about money before?

First of all, I'd like to say that the more we see of Josh and his gross mother, the more I feel Meghan got an unfair edit in the season premiere. Meghan's obviously been spoiled by her parents her whole life, but Josh has too, which becomes very obvious late in the episode from Josh's put-upon reaction when he finds out from his dad that he no longer intends to let Josh live rent-free in the town house he'd bought for him once Josh finishes med school, which he is just about to do. It also seems like Josh has developed a skewed view of what women are capable of understanding with regard to personal finance from his crappy "I want my husband to get care of me" mother and "You don't put your foot down now, you're not going to have much leverage later on" dad, if his response to Meghan's interest in going over their budget is "It's just gonna be a bunch of numbers." Yeah, she's...getting her Master's in hospital administration; I think she's heard of those?

All that said, are we expected to believe that Josh and Meghan are discussing their household finances for the very first time in front of the Arranged cameras? Because if they're both still full-time students, I feel like even someone like Meghan, who overspent on her wedding because she knew her daddy would make up the difference, would have thought to ask about this matter before, if for no other reason than to confirm absolutely that they had no other option but to live with her new husband's brother AND THEIR LIZARD.

Has Maria been living as though she's under actual house arrest?

I feel like someone on the production suggested that she not tell Nina or leave a note about running out to the store for forty-five minutes in order to capitalize on the fight that ended the last episode and remind us that the Millers' biggest fear is that Maria will leave Christian and thus shame his family. But when Christian comes home and sees she's not there, he immediately starts panicking, so I have to wonder: how much is Maria able to leave the house under normal circumstances if Christian's very first thought when she's not sitting in their room waiting for him to get back from the batting cages is that she's gone for good? And if he thinks that walking out to the sidewalk and SCREAMING HER NAME is likely to result in her return? Has she got one of those invisible fence dog collars on her wrist or something?

Seriously...WHAT IS WITH THE STYROFOAM CUPS?!

The wedding was a month ago. Run the dishwasher.

How fucked is Maria if Nina is supposed to be her best advocate?

I'm going with "very"? Very fucked? Not that the answer to Christian and Maria's problems is for Nina to hit him in front of Maria (though someone should), but if Nina and Michael have only figured out now, a month into their son's marriage, that they need to "make sure that they are the right match," and not even they really seem to think that Christian can be fixed, I'm not sure the way to convince Maria that she's thrown in her lot with the right family is for her to find an ally in Nina. In addition to being mean as a snake in general, it's clear that she thinks what Maria's going through now is just normal gypsy bride hazing and that if she went through it, Maria has to do it too; it also seemed last week, after Maria appealed to Nina to put herself in Maria's shoes with regard to Christian's behaviour, like Nina pretty much agreed with Christian's assessment of Maria, so...yikes?

Later, when Nina shows Maria how to wrap and sell flowers and Maria says, "I feel like me and my mother-in-law are very close"...I don't know, guys. Stockholm Syndrome?

What does it presage for a marriage when the bride craps on the groom in the ceremony?

Much as I think the "Maria too off" and "Meghan budget woes" storylines were faked up for the camera, I don't buy for a second that Veeral was actually still writing his vows on his way to his own wedding ceremony. I have spent less than four hours with Ragini and I wouldn't try that shit, so I'm pretty sure the guy who's been living with her for a while knows better and was just pretending for the sake of a plotline. But I'm kind of disappointed to see not only that he didn't end it by reassuring her that he was just fucking with her and really wrote his vows weeks ago, but also that she had to introduce their vows by snarking, "Mine might be a little longer than Veeral's." I don't go in for the concept of "emasculation" -- frankly, most men could stand to go down a notch or five, manwise -- but announcing to their 300-350 guests that she already thinks of herself as Veeral's superior is not a very kind way for any human to treat any other human, particularly one she's about to pledge the rest of her life to.

Does Christian really have a career as a roofer?

Obviously none of us was surprised to hear Christian announce -- proudly, almost? -- that he's never worked a day in his life. But I'm not sure this kind of manual labour is his destiny if he can't start his workday without getting his sleeves rolled up for him by his wife.

How did Ragini not know to wear both necklaces?!

Unless this was her version of pretending not to have written her vows? When your mother-in-law gives you jewellery to wear at your wedding reception, put it all on. Will your neck be sore tomorrow? Sure. Are you going to look overdecorated in those photos? Absolutely. But it's worth it not to have to hear about the necklace you rejected for the entire remainder of your marriage, which Ragini definitely just signed herself up for. Now if she ALSO doesn't learn to cook, she's basically ruined her life.