From The Ren Faire To The Rockies (Of Major League Baseball), How Fake Is This Week's Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever After??

Dear reader, I need to apologize to you if my New Show Fact Sheet on Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever After? led you to tune in to the show past that series premiere and get smeared with so much budget fakery like a Ren Faire turkey leg thrown straight into your face. There's so much phony shit in this episode that there's only one thing to do with it all: count the moments down from least fake to most.

1. The Lauren/JoJo Summit

   This...rang true to me. I know a lot of editing goes into these shows, but when it comes to those long stretches of dead silence, I believe they were exactly that lengthy and that tense. In a TH before the big sushi-and-mimosa sitdown (weird combo), Lauren tells us that people ask her about Ben's dual "I love you"s all the time, and I believe that's true too. I guess I'm happy for Lauren that seeing the lack of chemistry between JoJo and Ben makes her feel better about her own relationship with Ben? So no one tell Lauren that she has no chemistry with Ben either.

2. Lauren's Heart-to-Heart With Mollie

   Of course I believe that Lauren -- concerned that Ben is "overwhelmed" by talk of setting a wedding date -- would seek relationship advice from her sister Mollie, and what could be more casual than a couple of sisters meeting in a park for coffee and gal gab? These three minutes of screen time are definitely worth Mollie's flying in to Denver from Los Angeles, where she lives.

3. Ben's Heart-to-Heart With His Pals On The Broncos

   But at least Lauren and Mollie have a pre-existing relationship such that their discussing Lauren's engagement makes sense. Is it really necessary for Ben to journey to Sports Authority Field so he can compare notes on how much room girls take up in the bathroom with TWO MEMBERS OF THE DENVER BRONCOS?

   

   Credit to Ben: he does admit in a voiceover that he's made "friends" with these dudes as a consequence of his having been The Bachelor, but in that case, we better not EVER see him pretending he still works in any office for the rest of the season. He and Lauren are now professional Who?s, and to suggest otherwise is an insult to all our intelligence.

4. Lauren Bushnell: Prankstress

   A new skein in the rich tapestry that is Ben and Lauren's fairy tale love, introduced in this episode, is that Lauren loves pulling pranks on Ben. This is established when she tries to get him to squeeze an egg and he refuses to do it; later, we get a scenelet in the middle of the episode in which she tricks him into turning on the water after she's rigged the tap to spray him...except the dialogue between them that leads up to it is so stilted that I was sure it was going to turn out to be sponcon for Maytag or something. But the egg and the tap are just prelude to Lauren's big prank: Ben's been invited to throw out the first pitch at a Rockies game, and she's convinced several members of the organization to go along with her gag that he's been asked to sing the national anthem too. The one and only compelling element of this whole production is that Lauren knows she can pull it off because she's sure Ben will agree to do it even though he is completely tone-deaf because he's such a fame whore. In light of their testy exchange at the Bachelorette finale in the series premiere, I really hoped Lauren did all this to teach Ben the lesson that he can AND SHOULD say no to some of the opportunities he's offered. She doesn't, but I will.

5. Everything Related To The Offer To Televise Ben And Lauren's Wedding

   We're supposed to believe that ABC flew Chris Harrison to Denver; that Chris Harrison (or his assistant) bought a folding TV tray and left it at Ben and Lauren's front door with a "date card"; that the way Bachelor couples are invited to televise their weddings is over tea and what Ben thinks are called "scrumpets" at an elegant old hotel; that any part of the Bachelor machine would present this offer for the very first time on camera; that Ben would seek Chris's advice about whether he and Lauren should do it as though Chris is going to tell them anything about it other than that it'll be great; that Ben and Lauren take days to mull the decision. I feel fairly certain that every contestant who goes on the show probably signs a contract, before a single frame of footage is shot, agreeing to sign away all decisions related to their weddings, should an engagement arise, and that all of this is theatre -- and poorly acted theatre at that. (Related: why do both Ben AND Lauren keep describing Ben's reaction as "overwhelmed"? Is this supposed to be a more manly term for "scared shitless"?)

6. Jordan's Claim That He Never Watched The Bachelorette Before Going On It

   This thirsty motherfucker? No way.

7. Ben's "Guilty Pleasure"

   Ben "confesses" to his Broncos "buddies" that there's one thing Lauren doesn't know about him, and then, in an extremely staged scene, he makes a meal of the reveal like he's about to come out of their bedroom in a corset and a ball gag. But no: he's just in a generic velvet jacket and knickers we're supposed to believe he owns, because he loves Renaissance Faires.

   

   Cut to Ben escorting Lauren to her first Faire, because I guess Freeform signed a deal with the Chamber Of Commerce to showcase at least three fun Denver activities per episode. But if the show really wanted me to believe Ben had ever been to ONE Ren Faire before, maybe this episode shouldn't have also included the scene in which Ben's practising the national anthem and doesn't know what ramparts are. A real doublet-owning Ren Faire nerd would know all that castle shit. And would probably correct his dumb fiancée when she failed to recognize the difference between "Renaissance" and "Mediaeval."