Exit Brenda, Stage Right
Unlike my esteemed colleague's rewatch of The X-Files, my approximately semi-annual revisitation of Beverly Hills, 90210 is always a pleasure for me, and always too short. I say "approximately semi-annual" because it coincides with SOAPnet's airing of the show in syndication, at a rate of two episodes per weekday. I could watch the show year-round, if I wanted to, and many perfectly respectable people make that choice. But I am a Beverly Hills, 90210 originalist: I only watch the first four seasons. When Brenda (Shannen Doherty) peaces out, so do I. And today, SOAPnet aired "Mr. Walsh Goes To Washington," the two-parter that closed out Season 4, which means that SOAPnet as a channel -- nay, as a brand -- will be dead to me for the next several months, while it runs through the subsequent six inferior seasons. But while we wait for that series pilot to come back around, here are some of the highlights of Brenda's glorious final year.
- Kelly, Donna, And David Kick Off Their Homage To Three's Company, While "Brenda Beverly Hills" Realizes She's Made A Huge Mistake
- As Brenda Gives Up On Minnesota (Already? Already), New Yorker Jill Fleming Gets Over Having Been Raped At Knifepoint In Brandon's Tiny Arms
- Andrea's Rush Week Star Of David Fails To Spring A Trap On A Suspected Anti-Semite/Secret Jew
- Gabrielle Carteris's Pregnancy Is Starting To Show So We Better Get That Guy To Sleep With Her
- Introducing Cress Williams As A Black Person! Guess What Else, He Plays Basketball And Is Lazy And Bad In School! (Cress, It's Not Your Fault. You Are Aces.)
- Dylan Is Only Cured Of Gun Lust When He Almost Shoots Brandon, But Fortunately Both Survive To Witness Brenda's Ridiculous Betrothal To Stuart
- The Foiling Of Brenda's Vegas Elopement/Caesar's Palace Is A Great Place To Vacation With Your Family
- Steve Prevents John Sears From Raping An Underage And Homeless Rayanne Graf
- For Five Minutes Donna Considers Doing It With David, Until Felice The Human Cold Shower Magically Appears
- David Starts Using Crystal Meth, The Powdered Drug You Take By Dissolving It In Orange Juice
- Brandon Is Invited To Join The Chancellor's Educational Task Force, Which He Will Bring Up Constantly For The Rest Of The Season/Until The End Of Time
- Andrea's Disapproving Parents, Whom We'll Never See Again, Attend Her Just-In-Time Wedding, While Brandon Starts Fucking Lucinda, As Anyone Would Do
- Remember How We Found Out Stuart And Brenda Were Still Engaged Last Week? Never Mind, They're Breaking Up
- Enter Clare, The Chancellor's Daughter, And By The Way Did You Know University Chancellor Is Largely A Ceremonial As Opposed To Functional Role?
- Brenda Suddenly Cares About Animal Testing, Animals
- Brenda Gets Way Too Into Animal Rights And Breaks Into A Lab, Ending Up In FBI Custody, Oops!
- Brenda Finds Wendy's Diary From The '60s, Imagines Herself And Her Friends Living Out Every Cliché Of The Era Just Like Wendy Did
- The KEG President's Gay, And He's Played By A Different Guy Who Presumably Quit Because He Was A Homophobe Or At Least A Wuss
- Brenda And Laura Compete For The Lead In Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, And Though Laura Is Seriously Crazy, The Way Brenda Initially Got The Role Is Sketchy As Hell
- Suzanne And Kevin Are Clearly Running A Long Con On Dylan
- BRENDAAAAAAAAAA! DON'T GO!