Never Gonna Give It Up

First things first: making the affirmative decision not to engage in sexual activity until marriage is a perfectly valid life choice that plenty of people make for a wide variety of reasons. It's just a shame that Donna Martin, one of TV's most famous virgins, represents those people so poorly by being completely full of shit.

Today's SOAPnet reruns of Beverly Hills, 90210 focus heavily on Donna and David at a turning point in their relationship. In the first ("Windstruck"), the couple celebrated their second dating anniversary by going out for dim sum...with most of their friends...who show up with gifts? What? I mean honestly, who gives a shit about a dating anniversary other than the people dating — if they even do? I frankly don't remember even celebrating anyone's wedding anniversaries except for significant double-digit milestones. Anyway, shit gets kind of awkward as dinner ends when Brandon brays that he "learned this great game when [he] was in San Francisco" which involves reading your cookie fortune aloud and adding "in bed" to the end — which by the way was not "new" even in 1993 — and Donna gleefully joins in even though I'm pretty sure everyone knows there is no "in bed" for her, and even if only Kelly and Brenda know about her sexless stance, David is certainly painfully aware (probably literally) (because blue balls). Donna then adds insult to injury by coming home and not showing any interest even in getting to whatever base she and David generally get to, taking an antihistamine and going straight to sleep alone. Crappy anniversary, David!

However, while all this anniversary nonsense has been going on, Donna's been having dreams that suggest that her reasons for not having sex are less firm than they used to be; even her (dream) parents are cool with it if she decides that, after two years with David — the last several months of which have found them cohabitating — maybe she is ready to sleep with him after all, and she finally relays this decision in the most romantic and sensual manner she can think of.

But then I guess because Donna's vagina contains a beacon that alerts her parents when it detects condensation, just as she's about to take off her matronly satin robe and let David see what's under it, FINALLY, Dr. and Mrs. Martin show up for a surprise visit from Houston like the human cold showers they are. The good news: Donna finally tells them she's been (celibate) roomies with David this whole time. The bad news: apparently she's decided that her parents' arrival out of the blue is a sign that she should keep her chastity belt on after all. David gets frustrated with her for keeping her action on lockdown, and in the next episode, he dumps her.

Now...David is pretty wrong to dump Donna for not letting him put his tiny penis in her, particularly given that he finally cracks and tells her he's done with her on CHRISTMAS, which is also HER BIRTHDAY. In fairness to Donna, she did tell him pretty early on in their relationship that she didn't plan to have sex before marriage, and he stayed with her anyway.

THAT SAID, let's not all act like Donna doesn't treat her virginity like Lucy Van Pelt treats a football. LEST WE FORGET, this is not the first time Donna dangled her cooch in front of David: she also fronted like she might Do It with him on their prom night, before getting so drunk she got kicked out of the hotel — HOW CONVENIENT. And here she is doing it again! Donna: you can either take a principled stance, or you can figuratively jerk your boyfriend around pretending he's finally worn you down. (Hey, for all I know she literally jerks him around, too; who knows where she draws the line?)

I can't believe I'm sticking up for David, but seriously: it's bullshit. Should he have waited to cut Donna loose until Boxing Day? Yes. But she shouldn't have reneged on her promise of poon.