Family Ties

Walt (Bryan Cranston) buried lots of money in the desert! He arranged for Uncle Jack (Michael Bowen) to kill Jesse (Aaron Paul) because he was pretty sure Jesse was going to kill Walt first if he didn't! Jesse, Hank (Dean Norris), and Gomie (Steven Michael Quezada) tricked Walt into leading them to his money! Before Walt realized that Jesse wasn't acting alone, he gave Uncle Jack the GPS co-ordinates to find him and come kill Jesse! Then he realized what was happening, called off Uncle Jack, and gave himself up to Hank, and Hank called Marie (Betsy Brandt) to tell her the good news, and then of course Uncle Jack showed up anyway and everyone started shooting at everyone else and then the screen went to black and we all had heart attacks!

The First Cook Is The Deepest

A flashback to a moment from Walt and Jesse's first desert cook teaches us three things: 1. Walt and Skyler (Anna Gunn) did have a good marriage once; 2. AMC invested in a pretty high-quality wig to approximate Walt's Season 1 hair; 3. Walt buried his money in a spot that had sentimental value, because that's exactly where the shootout happened.

Steven Gomez, 1969 (est.) - 2011

Steven "Gomie" Gomez objected all along to this plan to take down Heisenberg, from placing so much trust in Jesse to proceeding without the backing of the DEA. So if there is an afterlife, he's probably super-pissed that this is what ended up ending him, though at least when Hank joins him there in just a second, he'll have the satisfaction of doing his taunting "told you so" dance.

You Call That A Nest Egg?

When Hank emerges from his hiding place to try to grab Gomie's shotgun, he's been shot in the leg and things look pretty bad. And while Todd (Jesse Plemons) and a few henchmen go looking for Jesse, Walt starts desperately negotiating for Hank's life, explaining that he's family and that Uncle Jack can have all the money that Walt has buried. How much? $80 million. ("Hey, do we know any meth cooks who want to buy a website?" - Me.) Walt suggests that Uncle Jack could take the money if only Hank will "let this go," but Hank has no illusions: "He made up his mind ten minutes ago."

The Life Of A DEA Agent = > $80 million

We Used To Be Friends, A Long Time Ago

After grieving Hank for a few minutes while Uncle Jack's cronies dig up the money barrels and load them into their truck, Walt accepts Uncle Jack's generous rebate of one barrel ("Jesus, what's with all the greed here? It's unattractive." - Uncle Jack), and reminds him that he's still on the hook for one dead Jesse. "If you can find him, we'll kill him," says Uncle Jack agreeably. Good news! Jesse's under Walt's car. Walt gives the order for Uncle Jack to kill Jesse, but Todd interjects to suggest that maybe they should bring him back to their HQ, find out what he told Hank, and then kill him. Everyone's agreed to that when Walt decides to burn their relationship once and for all: "I watched Jane die. I was there, and I watched her die. I watched her overdose and choke to death. I could have saved her. I didn't." And that's a picture wrap on this friendship.

Non-Certified Used Vehicles!

When you can't drive your town car back to Albuquerque because it got shot in the gas tank and you've just rolled a barrel full of $11 million across half the damn desert, why not treat yourself to a used truck? Remember: when you have a bundle of cash, "It's not for sale" is something you'll only hear once.

The Tragic Irony Summit

Who called the meeting? Marie.

What's it about? She's giving Skyler the courtesy of letting her know that Walt is in Hank's custody and that Skyler and Walt's whole scheme has to end.

How'd it go? Pretty well, from Marie's perspective: she tells Skyler that she will support her through this crisis, and that she's sure Hank will do what he can to protect her, but her conditions are that Skyler has to hand over all the copies of the fraudulent DVD incriminating Hank, and Skyler has to tell Junior (R.J. Mitte) everything. Thinking she's about to be in a world of shit if she doesn't go along with this, Skyler agrees.

Purgatory

Turns out Todd had no plans to kill Jesse once he'd given up what he told Hank -- or, at least, no plans to kill Jesse right away. Instead, after he and Uncle Jack's crew evidently spent quite a bit of time torturing Jesse and leaving him in an underground cell, the payoff of Jesse's capture is to lock him to a cable on the ceiling in this meth lab and make him cook. Why would Jesse possibly go along with this, since at this point he probably doesn't care if they kill him?

The Dirty Hands Summit

Who called the meeting? Technically Skyler, but she wouldn't have if Marie hadn't made her.

What's it about? Under extreme duress, she's catching Junior up on his parents' whole felonious deal.

How'd it go? Junior is incredulous and disgusted, and as any parent would agree, when your teenager feels morally superior to you, mistakes were made.

Walter White vs. The World

Junior is still needling Skyler -- "If all this is true and you knew about it, then you're as bad as him" -- when they arrive home and find Walt there, packing for everyone and totally not in DEA custody. Walt tries to tell Skyler that he negotiated a deal that would protect him, but since he's frantically also telling them to grab their shit and get the hell out of the house, it doesn't take long for Skyler to figure out that Hank is dead, and though she jumps to the wrong conclusion (thinking Walt killed him), that he is dead is Walt's fault, so no one can really blame her for grabbing the biggest knife in the kitchen and going after Walt with it.

There's a struggle, in which Junior ALSO gets involved, and the only thing that seems to stop Walt's rampage is seeing his wife and son completely fucking terrified of him, regardless of his "we're a family" bullshit. As Junior calls 911 on his father, Walt slinks over to the playpen, grabs Holly, gets into his truck (holding her in his lap -- extremely unsafe; in fact, she shouldn't even be riding in it if she's still in a back-facing child seat and the truck has no back seat -- and takes off, leaving Skyler to tear off after him, futilely.

Winner: Draw.

While changing her diaper in a public restroom someplace, Holly starts crying for "Mama," and Walt realizes that having a baby on the lam is only going to slow his shit down (and/or that taking her from her family would be monstrously selfish of him -- more so than all the other monstrously selfish things he's done her whole life and before)!

Knowing that Skyler will have definitely called the cops on him, Walt calls home and puts on a show (ish) of being a controlling abuser and saying lots of stuff that exonerates her of the crimes he knows are about to come to light, Hank's death or no.

Walt leaves Holly with the world's most trustworthy people: firefighters!

Walt waits at the designated "last stop before your new life" taxi stand, gets into that red Previa, and drives off into his own personal dystopic future.