Live Free Or Die

Todd (Jesse Plemons), Uncle Jack (Michael Bowen), and the rest of the neo-Nazi crew killed Hank (Dean Norris) and kidnapped Jesse (Aaron Paul) to cook meth for them! Skyler (Anna Gunn) and Junior (R.J. Mitte) finally turned on Walt (Bryan Cranston), who briefly took off with the baby and then placed a very mean call to Skyler so that the cops could hear him say he was the mastermind of all things Heisenberg and forced her to go along with him! Then Walt took his one sad, lonely barrel of cash and Toyota Previaed off to a whole new life.

Saul Goodman, 1999 (est.) - 2011

Though Saul Goodman (Bob Odenkirk) -- which was almost certainly not his real name, but one he adopted after whatever was the last bad trouble he got into (bad trouble that probably now looks absolutely adorable in retrospect) -- did what he could as a super-shady lawyer to offer decent advice to keep his client, Walt, from the world of shit he currently lives in, he didn't anticipate that the former chemistry teacher would turn out to be an actual living monster who would pull Saul down into his personal hell and require Saul to abandon his name, practice, and life for one in Nebraska, of all places. Goodbye forever, Saul!

And Then There's Todd

After Uncle Jack et al tighten up the loose end that is Jesse's confession (+1 Continuity Point), and bring it back to their lair to watch it, they learn (apparently for the first time) that Todd killed that kid during the infamous methylamine heist (+2 Continuity Points). Uncle Jack, no fool, then wants to kill Jesse, but Todd argues for keeping Jesse for another couple of cooks. Uncle Jack is like, "What do we need to keep cooking for? We are frillionaires!" (+3 Continuity Points). And Todd's like, "$70 million isn't cool. You know what's cool? Making literally as much money as we want for the rest of our natural lives thanks to our own personal meth slave." Uncle Jack is like, "You're just doing this to get a leg over Lydia [Laura Fraser] [+4 Continuity Points], but sure, why not continue using up Jesse until he's nothing but a dried-out husk and just blows away?" Meanwhile, Jesse has cleverly purloined the paper clip (+5 Continuity Points) that was holding up the photo of Andrea (Emily Rios) and Brock (Ian Posada) that reminds him why he's co-operating, and works on picking the locks on his shackles....

Seeking New Counsel

You thought Oscar and Felix were bad roommates? Meet Walt and Saul! While client and attorney hang out in the basement of a vacuum cleaner repair store, waiting to be relocated into their crappy new identities, Saul is resigned to his fate, while Walt remains defiant, asking Saul for hit man recommendations so that Walt can take out Uncle Jack and his crew, steal back all his cash, and get it to Skyler before finally getting out of her life for good. Saul reminds Walt that Skyler is going to be the main target of the Heisenberg investigation as long as Walt himself is on the lam, and that any money Walt gets to her -- if he's even able to get her any -- will just be seized by the authorities anyway, as had happened when Mike (Jonathan Banks) kept trying to give money to his granddaughter. When The Wolf (Robert Forster), the new identity artisan, appears to tell Saul that his shit's ready and it's time to go start over in Nebraska, Walt's like, "He's coming with me," but his attempt to intimidate Saul into agreeing is scuttled when Walt is overcome with a coughing fit, and Saul quietly grabs his luggage and peaces out. Since I doubt Walt's revenge road trip will include a stop in Omaha to take out the guy who (a) really did the best he could by Walt, and (b) certainly will have no more resources to come after Walt anyway, let's call this a series wrap on both Saul and his professional and personal relationship with literally the worst client any lawyer could ever cross paths with.

Why Are Those Skiers Hanging Out Around Holly's-- OH SHIT

Who called the meeting? Todd.

What's it about? Knowing that Skyler has been co-operating with the Heisenberg investigation, Todd wants to make sure that Skyler isn't going to implicate anyone she doesn't absolutely have to -- like Lydia, for instance, a.k.a. the twitchy lady who brought a rental car to the car wash (and didn't have an A-1 day).

How'd it go? Well, Skyler probably pissed herself with fear, and Holly didn't seem to enjoy it much either, but Todd made his position very clear, and Skyler definitely won't forget this encounter the next time she's called upon to volunteer information about her former husband's illegal activities and the people he worked with in those enterprises.

The Albuquerque Tea Party

When you're having a clandestine chat with your primary meth chef to determine that he's sufficiently intimidated a federal witness who has looked you square in the face and knows you're probably involved in her husband's nefarious doings -- and are prepared to stop pushing your luck now and get out of the meth business for a while, or were thus prepared, until he informed you that his purity is up to 92%, a.k.a. "Heisenberg levels" -- you don't want your throat to get dry.

Chamomile Tea: Of course someone as jumpy as Lydia is going to reach for a soothing herbal beverage over coffee.

Stevia: And if you want a low-calorie sweetener, Stevia is a healthier choice than your Equals or your Splendas.

MILK?! WHAT KIND OF WEIRDO PUTS MILK IN HERBAL TEA?

In The Tank

You'd think one of the perks of having a barrel full of $10 million in cash would be that when you have to get from Point A to Point Totally Off The Grid, you can at least do it in first-class comfort. Wrong! Curl up in that propane tanker. And no, you can't read Twitter as you go.

The Cabin In The Woods

The good news is: you're alive; no one knows where you are; it would be basically impossible for anyone to find you; you have a literal barrel of money. The bad news: you have no TV, no internet, no phone, a paltry selection of DVDs (who wants one copy of Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, never mind two?!), apparently no books, and no supplies or human company for another month; also, it's freezing out; though you could walk into town, you're going to be too scared to do so for fear of discovery; and your barrel of money is just mocking you because you can't spend it. If I'm Walter White, this is a situation where I just end up eating my cash until I choke to death because what am I even living for?!

Ben & Jerry's!

Fan favourite flavours Peanut Butter Cup and Americone Dream will give you the quick energy you need to sell a story about wanting the tarp left off your underground cell so that you can see the stars, so that you can stack up your meager belongings, free yourself from your cage, and run to a fence in a desperate bid for freedom! (The Ben & Jerry's Corporation makes no claims as to whether this will actually work out for you, or if your captors will spot you as you race past a security camera and cut your escape plan short.)

Andrea Cantillo, 1986 (est.) - 2011

It's a real shame that you had to be in the same NA group as Jesse, because it led to your being used as a prop to remind Jesse that his captors would never kill him just because he dared them to. Obviously, there are worse fates for Jesse -- namely, watching from a truck across the street as Todd shoots you in the back of the head. That'll probably kibosh any future escape attempts for a while. After all: "Remember, there's still the kid."

Exposition Efficiently Delivered During The Wolf's Visit, Some Months After Walt's Relocation To New Hampshire

• Walt apparently still hasn't left the cabin since arriving
• Walt's been losing weight quickly enough that The Wolf thinks Ensure is a good idea
• Walt's eyesight has deteriorated
• Skyler is living in a shitty apartment
• Holly and Junior are still living with Skyler, "for the moment"
• There's no court date yet
• No date for the Grand Jury yet either
• Skyler's lawyer, a public defender, looks to The Wolf like "a deer in the headlights"
• Skyler is working part-time as a taxi dispatcher
• A neighbour babysits Holly while Skyler is working
• Skyler has gone back to using her maiden name
• The auction on the old White house is still pending
• The bank put up a fence around it to keep out teenage vandals
• The Wolf is providing Walt with chemotherapy with a hobbyist level of expertise

Mr. Lonely

Walt only gets human contact once a month when The Wolf stops by with supplies and news, so it's natural that he might use some of the money that's just going begging in its barrel to ask The Wolf to stay just a little longer. Too bad The Wolf looks out for one guy: The Wolf.

One Hour Of Hang Time With The Wolf = $10,000

This Is Your Executor?

First You See The Ring....

The Symbol: Walt's wedding ring.

The Scene: As Walt writhes in post-chemo nausea under a wall of clippings from his old life, he rolls over, and his ring falls off.

The Meaning: "I give you this ring as a sign of my love and devotion" is what you say at a wedding, so the ring itself is already a symbol. But the fact that Walt can't wear it anymore -- partly because he's lost so much weight that it doesn't fit, and partly because he's the world's worst husband -- makes it a symbol that's, like, two symbols?

Walt vs. Walt (Jr.)

After finally hauling his failing carcass into town with the notion of mailing an Ensure box's worth of cash (around $100,000) home, Walt concocts a ruse to get Junior to a phone that won't be bugged -- the one at school -- by getting some New Hampshire barfly to pretend to be Marie (Betsy Brandt), calling with an emergency. On the phone, Walt runs his whole smooth-talking gigolo game on Junior, saying he wants to get them some money and checking on the address of one of Junior's friends, so that Walt can mail the cash to that dude and Junior can just grab it from him, nbd, because Walt cares about him so much. I feel like if Walt knew how to have arranged this conversation with Skyler, it might have worked out, but Junior is NOT HAVING IT, all "You killed Uncle Hank!" this and "I don't want anything from you" that. Walt is caught totally off-guard by this outburst, which Junior has within earshot of school authorities, and which ends with Junior asking, "Why are you still alive? Why won't you just die already?"

Winner: Raging Junior.

Walter White, Credit Whore

Walt is so shaken by his conversation with Junior that he immediately calls the DEA, asks to speak to the agent in charge of the Walter White investigation, identifies himself as Walter White, and leaves the pay phone receiver dangling so that the call can be traced. He heads over to the bar for one last nice glass of scotch while he waits to be apprehended, so he happens to be sitting in front of the TV as the bartender flips through the channels and past a Charlie Rose featuring his old science pals, Elliott and Gretchen Schwartz (Adam Godley and Jessica Hecht), who are promoting a $28 million grant they've just given for drug treatment centers in Albuquerque, and hey, isn't this just a publicity stunt to boost the flagging stock price at Gray Matters because of the company's association with Walter White? Elliott and Gretchen are like, "That's so funny, because he basically didn't do anything with Gray Matters anyway! He just helped us come up with the name!" Walter White, Credit Whore, is like, "Well, that I will not stand for," and so when the local sheriffs swarm the place...Walt is gone.

The Particle "Walter White, Credit Whore" is brought to you by Tara Ariano, Credit Whore.