Broad City Teaches Abbi And Ilana A Tough Lesson About Food Co-Op Ethics

It may come as a shock to viewers of Broad City to learn how closely Ilana follows the tenets of the USDA food pyramid. On the one hand, this is a woman who regularly uses illegal drugs (and weed, which: gray area) and has no compunction about introducing foreign objects to areas south of her face. On the other, someone who's known to nap on the toilet would value the effects of a diet high in produce, as Abbi brags when Ilana brings up her recent shopping at her local food co-op: "Your meals have given me, like, the healthiest shits of my life, it's like, 'Dump out, FLAWLESS. Dump out, FLAWLESS.'" Unfortunately for someone as selfish and disorganized as Ilana, the benefits of food co-op membership -- a smug feeling of general well-being; spectacular bowel movements -- come at a price that Ilana hasn't thought about paying: namely, working six hours per "moon cycle." And as we catch up with her in the latest episode, she's informed that it's the last day she can fulfill her obligation. Ilana has another appointment -- she's on her way to Long Island for a medical procedure that also has a hard deadline of this very day -- but having tasted the wonders of organic co-op produce, she can't go back to what passes for vegetables at the likes of Key Food. There's only one thing to do.

Obviously, that one thing is to dress Abbi as Ilana and send her to work Ilana's shift. It seems like a victimless crime: what difference does it make which brunette idiot restocks the shelves, as long as it gets done? But it apparently never occurred to Abbi, when she agreed to this scheme, that she might arrive at the store and find herself bean-handling with Craig, the filthy hippie of her dreams.

Committed both to her friend and to the success of this caper, Abbi starts her acquaintance with Craig by doing as convincing an Ilana impression as she's able. But the more Abbi gets to know her manbunned colleague, the more perfect he seems as a potential partner for the actual Abbi. He's an artist just like she is! He likes Phish, just like she does! And the more "Ilana" talks up her "friend Abbi," the more interested Craig is in getting set up with her. But when "Abbi" shows up, Craig is let down: though her personality is a perfect fit with his, she's just not his type physically! He wants a girl with an ass...which is all the inducement the actual Abbi needs to let Craig in on the scam and confess that his perfect woman has been standing in front of him all day, only occasionally pretending to jerk off the eggplants. Maybe she should have guessed from Craig's wild, unkempt, totally exposed armpit hair that he takes co-op ethics extremely seriously -- like, so seriously he goes straight from telling her off about her violation of this "place of trust" to narcing on her to the manager.

Ilana is brought to the back room and confronted with the billion-year contract she signed, prohibiting the sharing of shifts.

Abbi and Ilana are both Polaroided as SPs -- "Shitty Peoples" -- and "disconnected" from all area co-ops PLUS Whole Foods, for life: nothing but vending machine food and "bodega veggies" from now on. Maybe it's a comfort to know that those will also lead to prodigious poops...if not ones that anyone would describe as superlatively healthy.