How Much Of A Punishment Is Peralta And Santiago's Terrible Date, Really?

Think back, waaaaaay back, to the series premiere of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. The characters have gone through so many changes: getting assigned to new jobs (Gina), getting cleared to return to the field (Terry), getting their portraits painted (Holt); getting shot in the butt (Boyle). One thing that hasn't changed — the pitched battle between Peralta and Santiago over which of them would rack up the most felony collars in a year — was established in the series premiere and has, of course, been referenced in every episode since then as the ongoing tally has risen. Just kidding! It hasn't really come up since the pilot, which would be more annoying if the show didn't admit it...by denying it.

Hitchcock: What bet? What are you guys talking about?
Terry: Seriously? The bet! They've been keeping score all year. It comes up all the time. What are you doing all day?
Hitchcock: Nothin'. Why, you wanna hang out?

Anyway: it's been a year. If Santiago wins, she gets Peralta's beloved (shitty) car; if Peralta wins, he's going to give her the treatment received by the many (six) ladies he's allegedly seduced in said car, taking her on the very worst date of Santiago's life. And in the last hours of the day, just when Santiago thinks she's pulled ahead and will get to use the tips she's learned from calling 311 with regard to the safest way to set a car on fire, Peralta busts a bunch of johns and triumphs. Poor Amy, the defeat has got to sting even more once she knows it's on the backs (as it were) of a bunch of sexual deviants.

Apparently, the only thing Peralta's been working harder on than his record is his planning for this night. As soon as he officially beats Santiago, he plays "Celebration" in the squad room and takes a knee to open a ring box (containing a ring he bought for a dollar) and ask her, "Will you go on the worst date ever with me?" He requires that she wear a cheap '80s party dress and give herself a side braid: "You look like every girl at every bat mitzvah I ever had a crush on." He will not only control the night's activities and what she eats; he'll also grant her only three bathroom breaks. His most important rule for the evening? "No matter what happens, you're not allowed to fall in love with me."

It's at this point in the episode that I realized this might be a show that didn't actually go through with pairing up the two characters who seem destined to be paired up. These are two colleagues who (grudgingly) respect each other even though they have completely different professional styles, but whose chemistry is kind of more on the sibling tip than like a couple of people whose bickering is barely concealing simmering sexual tension, you know? Speaking for all of us who've valued totally platonic opposite-sex workplace friendships — it does happen — I was kind of happy to think that our experience might be represented on a sitcom, for once, even though, yes, I realize that it's the less-frequently-portrayed version of workplace friendship for the obvious reason that it doesn't involve people taking their pants off.

But then, of course, Peralta had to parade Santiago in front of all their co-workers out drinking, and of course, a newly candid Boyle can't resist suggesting to Peralta that all of this bad-date business is actually just a (moderately) grown-up iteration of a boy pulling a girl's pigtails because he likes her. And then, when Peralta and Santiago have to suspend their terrible date to do some impromptu police work, Holt offers backup, and Peralta refuses, so that he and Santiago can have a little time alone, because Boyle's suggestion has actually affected him. And when Santiago later hears that Peralta refused the backup, it's clear that she's thinking differently about him too.

I would probably be a lot more annoyed by the turnaround if not for the scene when, on their case, Santiago and Peralta get close to the perps by pretending to be a couple fighting over whether they're lost: somehow, that was the moment that made me buy into them as a potential couple, someday, way down the road. Getting them from their current brother/sister status to a couple vibe we'll buy for more than a few minutes at a time will be difficult, but at least they have less ground to make up, now, than Boyle and Diaz. Those poor bastards.