Taciturn Authority Figure + Infectious Disease = Great Moments For Brooklyn Nine-Nine's Captain Holt

As so often happens, the latest episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine finds Jake's very best intentions leading to horrible consequences for himself and those around him -- though at least this time they're unforeseeable for a change? Since Captain Holt is miserable with Kevin on sabbatical in France, Jake digs up one of his old unsolved cases and tries to distract Holt from his loneliness with an urgent (not urgent) police matter -- tracking down a Mob guy named Garibaldi -- that they need to attend to immediately. But their very first interview exposes them to mumps, which they both contract. The good-ish news is that Holt and Jake both have to be quarantined for nine days, and Holt accepts Jake's suggestion that they do it together, which will also alleviate Holt's solitude. The bad news is that mumps is pretty serious and the fever and/or overuse of cold medication is not great for their cognitive faculties. The very best news, for the viewer, is that a mentally compromised Holt is a pretty delightful Holt, and here are his most winning mumps-fueled moments.

1. Battle Of The Bulge

   The doctor who diagnoses Jake and Holt with mumps warns them that they may develop goiters, and guess what: he nails it. Jake wakes up on his first full day of quarantine with one on his neck: "His name is Simon, and I hate him." "Hello, Simon!" says Holt, before turning with a flourish.

   

   I assume it's only because touching it is painful that Jake doesn't draw a face on his, btw.

2. À Votre Santé! (Italian.)

   How much is too much OTC cold medicine to treat what ails Holt? The limit does not exist.

   
3. Safety First

   Poring over FBI surveillance footage gives Holt and Jake a lead: a chef at Garibaldi's favourite restaurant, who may know where Garibaldi is. They want to run out immediately and interview him, but Amy -- who, of course, is up to date on all her vaccinations ("I'm immune to stuff you never even heard of") -- reminds them that they're quarantined and "can't go outside spewing mumps like a couple of mump fountains!" And she's right. Which is why both Jake and Holt take very scientific precautions.

   

   Too bad for our crime fighters: Amy can move at a normal pace ("Amy is Usain Bolt!" - Jake) and easily stops them.

4. "He's Writing The word 'Case' Over And Over Again"

   Only Amy and her robust immune system are able to recognize that Holt, while normally the "genius" Jake believes him to be, is not at his very best right now.

   

   "Augh, now he's spelling it with a 'k'!"

   
5. "Balthazar Has A Sister"

   Mumps, it seems, is un-fun for the whole family.

   
6. No Illness Can Disable This Palate

   When Amy tries to soothe her patients by making the baked ziti whose recipe she found in the case file, the disgusting result clues all the cops to the fact that its bizarre ingredients are actually a code -- and the fact that Amy couldn't tell when she was actually following the instructions suggests that no one should ever consume food she prepares.