A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Two Fish In The Bush

The Client

Dorion, occupation unknown, in Cartersville, GA.

The Beloved

Jeszica, a model/nursing student/single mother, with whom he's been in an online relationship for more than two years, BUT WAIT! Dorion also has a girlfriend in meatspace: Raffinee, a girl he's been dating for six months, whom he's moved in with, and who knows all about this Catfish business and is letting him investigate her so that he can figure his shit out.

The Clues

Jeszica has never agreed to videochat with Dorion; on two different occasions, she was supposed to have been in Atlanta, but during those times didn't pick up her phone when he called. Despite the fact that she officially has a young daughter, none of Jeszica's profile photos on Facebook depict her with her daughter. There are multiple Facebook profiles that use Jeszica's same full name and photos. No mention is made of where she lives.

The Excuses

Jeszica told Dorion that she knows about the other Facebook profiles, but she told him she gave him access to the real one. And that's pretty much the only excuse offered for all her sketchiness.

The Investigation

A Google Image search reveals a "Catfish feeding ground" of old photos of Jeszica (or whoever), and a long list of online profiles known to use them for faking purposes. There's also evidence of exes on Jeszica's Facebook profile, and when Nev and Max talk to this guy Sammy on the phone, he says that he and Jeszica have talked a lot on the phone, about starting a family together as recently as a week ago.

The Presentation Of Findings

Though he acknowledges that the odds of him talking to the person that belongs to the face in the photos are poor, Dorion still wants to meet whoever she is. Only when Nev calls her do they learn that she lives in Texas, and thither they go.

The Confrontation

Jeszica is a lady named Alexis. She made up Janelle, her daughter, apparently intuiting that having a daughter and being a self-sufficient woman (like Dorion's own mother) would make Jeszica more attractive to him. She was just messing around with Sammy, but Dorion's the one she really loves. Making a fake profile was just Alexis's way of meeting new people when she moved to the area five years ago. (What?) Anyway, when she started to have a relationship with Dorion that felt real, she didn't know how to tell him.

The Post-Confrontation Confrontation

After Dorion has a chance to process everything that's happened, he Skypes Raffinee to tell her everything and say that she's the one he really wants to be with. LUCKY GIRL! She's guarded but open, I guess because she has no friends to tell her not to be crazy and to value herself, I don't know, one iota? Then Dorion goes to report back to Alexis on his current status -- and, hilariously, she turns it around on him, accusing him of trying to "live two lives." Which, he is, but she's one to talk, having made up a baby. Lord.

The Dénouement

Suspiciously long hug.

The Aftermath

Two months later, Dorion and stupid Raffinee are together, and Dorion is "fully committed" to her. Dorion and Alexis have had "minimal contact" since they met in real life. Her fake Jeszica profile has been deleted, but presumably dozens still exist....

The Life Lessons Learned

Don't jerk your real girlfriend around for some rando you've never met. Have enough self-respect not to stay with a guy who will jerk you around for some rando he's never met. Take a moment maybe one or two or seven months in to your online relationship to do a reverse image search on his or her photos, I mean Jesus. Oh -- and, according to Max, if you're physically attractive, like Alexis is, you should just use your real photos in your online profiles -- don't bother going through the contortions that all the uggos on this show have to go through! I'm paraphrasing, but that's essentially what he says.