Consciously Re-Couple-ing

VH1 put a call out to its five seasons' worth of therapees, and: good news! Four of the couples plus Farrah were available! It's so lucky that so many of them didn't have anything else to do on the day the network wanted to tape it! At the halfway mark (there's another hour of this next week), how do the couples (plus Farrah) stack up in terms of how much I want them to thrive? Behold: a list!

1. Catelynn & Tyler
   This is such an obvious top pick that it feels kind of boring, but obviously Catelynn and Tyler are both the couple I most want to stay together (out of this pile of various kinds of garbage, anyway), and the couple I think probably has the best shot. Having survived all the shit they've already gone through and managed to stay together is probably a good predictor of long-term success. Plus now Catelynn's pregnant again, and I'm not a total monster.

2. Shayne & Nik
   I am, however, enough of a monster to note that it's a pretty canny reality-show move to start your recap of what's happened since we saw you last by telling the wrenching story of your miscarriage. Which is legitimately terrible even if I'm not sure I buy Shayne's claim that she's never heard Nik tell his version of the experience before. The two of them are still total dicks -- whatever I may think of Courtney and Doug, even I wouldn't ask if Doug dumped Courtney because she turned eighteen -- but they have each other and it's probably for the best that they don't try to attach themselves to anyone else.

3. Jojo & Tiny
   I had totally forgotten everything about Jojo. Then he started talking and I was like, "Oh yeah, that asshole." He's still an alcoholic -- his attempts to say he's slowed down don't seem to be corroborated by his partner -- and evidently Tiny is still enabling him by staying and, I assume, managing the house and the kids and whatever else. I feel like if she were actually attending Al-Anon meetings regularly, she wouldn't be so cavalier in her claim that her response to Jojo's carousing is to go out and party herself. But at least they're united in their hatred of Farrah, and I sincerely believe that you can't have a solid relationship of any kind if you don't hate the same people and things.

4. Doug & Courtney
   I love how people were incredulous about Doug taking Courtney back even after she cheated on him on TV. Of course he did! For one thing, Courtney without Doug is still a living, wriggling cartoon of sexuality who could get attention on her own, whereas Doug without Courtney is just a dirty old has-been. For another, cheating or not, Courtney is still a barely legal sex kitten; from what I understand, that's something straight men find appealing? All that said, these two should break up for a variety of extremely obvious reasons, starting with: the basis for their own arguments in favour of their union -- that they're really in love for real, and not for the shock value or built-in publicity opportunities -- have now been proven false. I doubt there's an age-appropriate woman who would have Doug at this point (other than Courtney's mother), but that doesn't mean he shouldn't aim for that and let Courtney continue her childhood.

5. Farrah
   I can't wait for Farrah to take her turn to describe how much she learned from being on the show and how she applied those lessons to the relationship she's not in. Don't get me wrong: being single doesn't make you a bad or unlovable person. It does, however, disqualify you from participating in couples therapy. I know it's pointless for me to tell Farrah to have some shame and re-examine her choices, but I still wish she would, if not for her own sake, then for that of the poor child who did not ask to be part of Farrah's circus.