Which D-Listers Actually D-Serve True Love?

Pity the poor, love-starved idiots on Couples Therapy Season 04. I fully admit that I didn't think the show could ever top the season that starred Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stodden (RIP to their marriage), because I had no idea that producers would follow it with a season that starred Joe Francis — one of the actual worst humans that's ever lived, I'm pretty sure — and his girlfriend, Abbey Wilson. It would be too much to hope that VH1 would be able to find another couple half as terrible as Joe and Abbey, and judging by last week's Season 04 premiere, it hasn't. But there's still plenty of human garbage on display among this season's couples, and on the eve of their second episode together, I feel confident not just in passing judgment on which of them I hope will find happiness, but in ranking them according to who deserves it most. Let's run them down, from most to least worthy of love!

Taylor Armstrong and John Bluher

If you, like me, watched all 24+ hours of VH1's Happy Endings marathon over New Year's Eve and New Year's Day (good times), you had multiple opportunities to see the promo in which Farrah Abraham asks Taylor how her divorce went, and Taylor matter-of-factly states that she filed for divorce, and then "found him hanging." (First of all: yikes. Second: how is it possible for Farrah not to have known that Taylor's husband killed himself? It's not like Farrah and Taylor aren't cheek by jowl in all the same shitty glossy tabloids.) The point is: as we all (except idiot Farrah) know, Taylor Armstrong has already been through kind of a lot in her life — not just her husband's suicide but the physical abuse he perpetrated on her that preceded it. This new guy seems nice, and if he's willing to take her on, even given her history and notoriety, then mazel to them both. Maybe he can even persuade her to make this the last reality show she stars on.

Whitney Mixter and Sada Bettencourt

I pride myself on watching everything and knowing a lot about everything else and these two were a complete mystery to me. Turns out they were on The Real L Word on Showtime, at the end of which they got married. Their issues don't really seem that complicated to me: they have an apparel business together, and one of them thinks the other one doesn't work on it hard enough. Big whoop. That's nothing two cute lesbians can't overcome. Just make a chore wheel or something!

Ghostface Killah and Kelsey Nykole

I'm not saying I'm not a very hip and happening young person. But right up until the moment I saw Ghostface Killah onscreen interacting with other people I recognized, I would have bet money that Ghostface Killah was the guy from the Wu-Tang Clan who died. (Wrong! I was thinking of Ol' Dirty Bastard.) Anyway, the big problem for Ghost and Kelsey seems to be that he cheats on her all the time, which may make them this year's Temple and Chingy — not just because they're from the same industry and have the same basic issue but because they may realize over the course of the season that they would be better off apart (and that maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship with anybody).

Jon Gosselin and Liz Janetta

Haha, okay, so if you watched the aforementioned Happy Endings marathon, you probably also saw a lot of the promo in which Jon Gosselin calls someone on the phone and emphatically states, "I need to see my kids." And if you're like me, you laughed and laughed, because Jon Gosselin doesn't care about his kids! He wants to go to shitty parties and get his greasy face in magazines. I mean, I don't think Kate cares much more about the kids than he does, but at least she actually manages to live with them. On top of that, Jon and Liz are this year's Heather and Dustin in terms of being so busy and important that they can't even get to the therapy house in time for the process to start, which suggests, to me, that he may not be all that serious about making things work with this Liz person. But whether he's actually serious or not, do any of us want Jon Gosselin to be happy in a romantic relationship? No. He's gross.

Farrah Abraham and ?????

Not since Rachel Uchitel went on Celebrity Rehab to try to treat her "love addiction" has there been a fake job this obvious. See, the Couples Therapy premiere would have you believe that Farrah travelled to L.A. for the show with an open heart and sincere intentions and believed that her boyfriend, Brian Dawe, was happy to take the therapy journey with her. And then he just gave her a major fadeaway, failing to answer her calls or texts and leaving her to go on this SHOW ABOUT THERAPY FOR COUPLES all by herself. However, despite the way things have been portrayed on the show, Dawe has publicly stated that he and Farrah were never actually dating, and that he had a very-late-in-the-process epiphany about this whole charade being a really bad idea. So then, instead of having the dignity to leave the show BECAUSE SHE IS NOT IN A COUPLE, Farrah is going to spend the rest of the season just working on herself, I guess? And why she chooses the wrong men to be in fake relationships with? Like we care, when we know she waxes her toddler's eyebrows? (I actually think that's worse than her porn tape. ...Okay, they're equally bad.) I realize that no one actually thinks reality shows are "real" in any meaningful sense, but this Dawe thing is not great, and I'm mad at myself for needing to watch the whole season for all the obvious reasons but ALSO to see if the show ever addresses Dawe's account of the situation. I'm also hoping Farrah's terrible mom comes to visit so that Dr. Jenn can yell at her.