Juan Pablo Seeks Couples Therapy Even Though...Are He And Nikki A Couple?

A new crop of fame-seeking jackasses has descended on the Couples Therapy house (with one more pair yet to come -- this season's "arriving later than everyone else" power move will be performed by porn star Jenna Jameson and some dude), and you know what that means: a lot of exposition about the couples, and very little therapy. How much of the premiere can you safely skip?

Meet Juan Pablo & Nikki!

Dr. Jenn recaps what we already know about Juan Pablo, namely that he's a fuckbag, and that his failure to propose to Niki or say he loved her made him a target of media/general loathing. Juan Pablo claims that he's held off on the love declaration and proposal for cultural reasons, while Nikki says that she still tells him she loves him, not expecting him to reciprocate but hoping maybe one day he will. Also, they still don't live in the same city and apparently never have since he picked her in the Bachelor finale. So when she says she knows he's serious about their relationship, you might disagree?

As they wander awkwardly around the house, he takes a moment to comment that it's good there's a pool, so she can get a tan. He's still a prince.

Meet Deena & Chris!

Just like Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars, this season of Couples Therapy features alumni of both The Bachelor/ette franchise and Jersey Shore! Deena wants to have babies like yesterday; Chris is just thinking about them maybe moving in together. In addition to being at different points commitment-wise, their big issue is apparently that she has a lot more money than he is, and it makes him feel weird when she gives him very elaborate gifts and he can't do that for her, since he sells furniture and is twenty-five to her twenty-seven (which...that's a rough twenty-seven, guys).

When Chris and Deena walk in, Juan Pablo is not so cool that he doesn't identify Deena to Nikki as a former star of Jersey Shore (or else he just saw her styling choices and made an educated guess), but when the new couple sits down with Juan Pablo and Nikki to get acquainted, Deena either doesn't recognize Juan Pablo from his two past reality outings or pretends not to (yet another power move?). Insightful Deena zeroes in on how it may have been hard for Nikki to have had to "fight for" Juan Pablo against eighteen other girls, to which Nikki sadly replies, "It is what it is." When Deena asks what the two of them are working on, Nikki mentions the location issue, and the fact that Juan Pablo has a daughter, to which Juan Pablo jumps in to make a joke that is obviously (a) old and (b) not Nikki's favourite: that he has one daughter who's five and another who's fifteen, and that the latter is Nikki. Charming! I guess if he makes her fifteen in this fantasy it means she can't legally get into his car and drive away from him forever (preferably over his foot).

Meet Cicely & Treach!

Treach is from Naughty By Nature; Cicely is his girlfriend of many years. She was an aspiring actor and thought he'd be able to help her career with his connections, but that didn't pan out after he got her pregnant; now she's the mother of two of his six children. Their issues? "It is very, very hard being with someone as famous as Treach is," says Cicely. I mean...okay? Granted, this is not really my area of expertise, but I feel like I'm pretty familiar with celebrities and I'm pretty sure this episode is the first time I'd seen his face or heard his name (though, yes, even I had heard of Naughty By Nature, since I was in high school when they had their big hits, and given that it was more than twenty years ago, Treach should maaaaaaaaybe get over himself). Anyway, what makes this segment worth watching is that Treach and Cicely can't even get through their intro without cursing each other out: she's pretty sure he cheats on her constantly, and he's so defensive about it that it seems clear her suspicions are valid. (In a solo interview, he uses the "we were on a break" defense to excuse past instances when she's caught him in his infidelities.)

At the house, Juan Pablo thinks Treach's name might be "Trash." Nikki's like, "Treach. Like 'treacherous.'" Juan Pablo does not seem to be familiar with that word.

Meet "Evel" Dick & Stephanie!

Ugh, god. Dick won the last season of Big Brother I ever watched AND EVER WILL. He and his girlfriend Stephanie broke up ten months ago, but they're coming on Couples Therapy to get paid see if there are grounds for reconciliation. They're kind of vague about what made them break up in the first place but I assume it's because he's a fucking asshole.

Dick arrives at the house alone, introduces himself as "'Evel' Dick" (though the spelling will be lost on everyone who didn't watch that season, which is probably everyone). He tries to be cute by pointing at Juan Pablo and identifying him as having beaten him out for some website's ultimate reality villain title, and in an interview Juan Pablo proudly owns it? Even though he "won" that title by scumbagging the woman HE'S IN THERAPY WITH? Cool. Then Stephanie arrives, and everyone's clearly shocked by the enormous cuteness gap between her and Dick. But once she starts talking it seems clear that what he lacks in looks, she lacks in smarts.

First Session With Dr. Jenn

As the couples wait, we learn that Stephanie's not sure if she wants kids -- and the fact that she's even entertaining the idea apparently comes as a shock to Dick, who says he got a vasectomy the day his daughter turned eighteen. Then they all troop in to meet Dr. Jenn, who says nothing of import. The only reason to watch the segment is to see her weird turtleneck/choker combo.

And now you have, so let's move on.

Caaaaasual Mingling

Over dinner, Dick brings up the whole Fantasy Suite construct, and how he's never understood how the women are okay with having to take their fuck turns, pretty much. "I was the third," says Nikki, and given how gross this whole experience has been for her, I give her credit for being able to joke about it. Then Juan Pablo tells Dick, "That's the beauty of that -- that just me and and her, me and the other -- will know what really happened and what didn't." I mean, I'm pretty sure we know what happened with Andi? But the fact that Juan Pablo thinks the fact that the actual sex wasn't nationally broadcast means he's the soul of discretion tells you everything you need to know about him. "Okay, well that answers that: you fucked all of them," says Dick in a TH. I mean: seriously. Deena's pretty sure Nikki's going to cut off his dick when he's sleeping, and god I hope it's true.

Juan Pablo & Nikki's Two-on-One With Dr. Jenn

Juan Pablo mostly keeps a lid on his natural disgustingness -- or, at least, if he winks a lot at Dr. Jenn, we don't see it. Nikki's issue is that she feels she's working harder on the relationship than he is; Juan Pablo says she feels that way, but doesn't go further and say whether she's right? So I assume she's right. Nikki kind of accepts the cultural explanation for Juan Pablo's reticence about expressing his love by using the actual word "love," but admits to Dr. Jenn that, as an American, she does expect to hear that from a dude she's dating. "I don't want to force anything from him," she says, "but there still is a part of me that like, 'Maybe today it's gonna come, maybe tomorrow it's gonna come.'" Juan Pablo's fascinated amusement at Nikki's description of her wasted hopes -- he sits forward in his seat and turns to her with a delighted grin, saying he didn't know that's how she felt -- is what turns this segment from a Skip to a Watch because it is SO FUCKING CREEPY. It's like he's just found more evidence that he's got her on the hook, without even intending to, and proven to himself that negging works. It's chilling. Dr. Jenn, naturally, then asks what it would take for Juan Pablo to tell Nikki he loves her, and he says he couldn't say it unless he felt he couldn't "live without the person," and as of now he can only say that if she left him, he'd be very sad. But he squeezes her knee reassuringly as he says it. Don't worry, Nikki: maybe tomorrow it's gonna come. Dr. Jenn observes that because of how Juan Pablo and Nikki met, Nikki might still feel insecure about being in a position where Juan Pablo can pick her, or not. Deena already got there, Dr. J. They all think that Nikki and Juan Pablo's living together in the house will be good practice for future cohabitation that, as of now, I sure hope never comes to pass, for Nikki's sake.

Cicely & Treach Fight About Her Career

Cicely wants to be Treach's assistant. He thinks it's because she wants to keep tabs on him. Then she pivots to say she wants him to cast her in something and that she shouldn't have to audition because he cast some other lady in something without requiring her to read for whatever it is. They scream at each other for a while until Cicely's like, forget it, I don't want to be your assistant anymore, and Treach is like, I never gave you an application. This is your act-out?

Verdict

All the intros make it pretty boring. Everyone's still mostly on their best behaviour and none of the couples hate each other yet, though given Chris's complaint that Juan Pablo "must have winked at [him] six hundred times" on the first day, that won't take long.