Your Official Couples Therapy Midseason Checkup

After the first episode of this current fourth season of Couples Therapy, I did something kind of risky: I ranked all the couples according to how much a reasonable person (which I'm not, necessarily, but let's pretend I am) would want them to achieve the show's stated goal and find love. But now that we're past the halfway point of the season and a lot of shit has gone down, some of my views have changed. It's time for a re-ranking -- from the couple I'm rooting for the hardest to the couple that should do society a favour and jump into an active volcano.

Sada & Whitney

You know, I've never missed an episode, and yet, I'm still not sure exactly what Sada and Whitney's issues are. Whitney got jealous one time when it was Sada's birthday and Sada got kind of drunk and started getting sort of flirty with Ghost, but then nothing came of it and she and Whitney were over it the next day? Sada admits that she needs a lot of attention because she had kind of a rough childhood? AND? Whitney and Sada are obviously in love and will be fine. And honestly, even if they're putting a lid on their problems and acting out because they want to draw a distinction between themselves and all these other idiots, to me that's still evidence of good mental health.

Original Rank: 2

Kelsey

Everything else being equal, Kelsey is not a person I would root for. She has totally ridiculous hair.

She has a tattoo of HER OWN NAME. And hooking up with Ghostface Killah just proves that her judgment is not the greatest. But she dumped Ghost when he decided to rub it in her face that she was the second of his two girlfriends that we know of, and apparently also second in his heart, so I have to give her credit for having some sense and some self-respect. After all, we are grading on a curve here. (Hey, is Ghost going to hang around now that she's chucked him? He's made it pretty clear that he's not getting anything out of therapy, nor do I imagine that he's just trying to keep his face in front of hers in case she wants to take him back, because he clearly doesn't care if she does.)

Original Rank (with Ghostface Killah): 3

Jon & Liz

Don't get me wrong: Jon Gosselin is still human garbage. It's just that he SOMEHOW is not the rottenest garbage in the bin. He's not even the most egregious fame whore in this crew, if you can believe it. There's a lot going on with these two: he's a mix of self-importance and self-hatred. She is not into guys, or such is the impression I get from how she comes across on TV, which is all I can know about her, and I am no expert on psychology or gaydar. But if that's the case, it might go a ways toward explaining her basic hostility toward him, if he's just fundamentally not what she wants in life but she doesn't think she deserves better. But they kind of strike me as one of those couples who fight all the time but stay together forever.

Original Rank: 4

Taylor & John

OH, TAYLOR. I mean, speaking of self-importance! The tantrum about the terrible house and food and bathroom towels! The drunken spat with Farrah at the bowling alley! The "emotional" declaration that she hasn't gotten anything out of her relationship with Farrah because she wanted so badly to mentor Farrah! Taylor is keeeeeeeee-razy, and not only shouldn't she be romantically involved with anyone at this stage of her life, but she probably shouldn't have any interaction with any other humans. She is constantly drunk, unbalanced, and bonkers, and if Dr. Jenn is any kind of therapist, the words "borderline personality disorder" will be all over her notes about their sessions. Taylor is terrifying. I realized as I was writing this that my worst nightmare is getting cornered by Taylor at a cocktail party. Wait, scratch that: I just imagined sharing a ski resort chairlift seat with her when the machinery breaks down.

Original Rank: 1

Farrah

I won't speculate about what kind of terrible stuff Farrah told Dr. Jenn when she ordered the cameras off and made Dr. Jenn cry, because if we ever find out and it really is terrible, I'll feel like a dick. But I can judge her on what we've seen on-camera, which is that she's a complete narcissist. Remember all her big literary plans? A girl who thinks that a porn star (which she is, regardless of how she decides to split that hair (ew, sorry)) can go on to write a Christian parenting book is a girl who either can't attract anyone to her team who will give her good career advice, or isn't paying attention when she gets it. (An erotica series? Sure.) I guess it's theoretically possible that Farrah will transition out of the reality TV world and turn herself into a real person instead of an umbrella for a bunch of different, very sad brands -- which are enumerated on her LinkedIn profile, by the way -- and in that case, maybe she'll be able to bring something to a romantic relationship. But I'm not that hopeful, and if you've been watching the show, neither are you. Good luck, Sophia!

Original Rank: 5