Downton Abbey Gets Its Motor Running (Around And Around And Around The Track)

Now That The Shoe's On The Other Foot, You Can Polish It

Alert Type: Vengeance Alert.

Issue: Carson is still being tyrannical with his homekeeping standards, and Mrs. Hughes is over it.

Complicating Factors: Oh nooooooo, Mrs. Hughes hurt her hand and it's all bandaged up and even though Mrs. Patmore gave her all the components of the dinner she was going to make for Carson, she's not going to be able to prepare it herself and he's going to have to do it!

Resolution: While Mrs. Hughes gently directs him from the table and hides her snickers, Carson is run off his feet with all the steps required to put this dinner together, even falling asleep at the table before dessert, and gains a new appreciation for how much work is actually involved in the era's definition of wifely duties.

Spoiler: You're not going to believe this but Mrs. Hughes's hand is totally fine! She was faking it to teach him a lesson!!!

And She Just Can't Wait To Be Mrs. Rotten Shithead!

At their latest tea visit, Isobel and the Dowager C discuss Cora's having taken over as president of the local hospital; the Dowager C is still very hurt at the way that whole business went down, but since she seems to know there's nothing she can do about it and she just has to work on getting past her anger at...you know, her daughter-in-law, whom she can't exactly cut out of her life, she's planning a secret "calm down" trip. Before she goes, though, since Isobel's just received an invitation to shitty Larry's undoubtedly shitty wedding, the Dowager C wants to pay a call to shitty Larry's unusually friendly new fiancée, find out what her deal actually is, and report back to Isobel.

Are You Still An Ally If You Have To Do It In Secret?

Mrs. Hughes finds a quiet moment in the servants' hall to pull Thomas aside and apologize for Carson's having been a stank bitch to him (I'm paraphrasing) for pretty much this entire season thus far: "He doesn't mean to be unkind, but it worries him when a plan is delayed," she explains, seeming like she knows even as she's saying it how inadequate that is. "'The plan' being my departure," mopes Thomas. Mrs. Hughes kindly -- and, as ever, very euphemistically -- replies, "You just haven't found the right person yet, Mr. Barrow, but I'm sure there are friends out there waiting for you, and a new job in a new house may help you to find him." But Thomas says that's just it: "This is the first place I've found where I've laid down some roots." I'm saying this now so it's on the record: if Thomas the cat can't find a seventeenth life at Downton (I can't remember how far past his original nine he is at this point, but that seems about right) and all this heartbreak is heading toward his suicide, I will be very, very bitter.

More Like Miss Crookshank

Who called the meeting? The Dowager C.

What's it about? What Miss Cruikshank's real aim is in trying to reconcile Isobel and Lord Merton.

How'd it go? It starts poorly: when Miss Cruikshank comes in from the garden to greet her unexpected guest, she's chilly and stiff -- probably because she's wary of the Dowager C having her number because game recognize game. The Dowager C opens strong by, since Miss Cruikshank's presumably only heard Larry's version, recapping his infamous attack on Isobel when she and his father were still engaged: "Larry Grey has spoken to Mrs. Crawley in a manner that in any other century would have resulted in him being called out and shot." Miss Cruikshank says she can't believe it was that bad, to which the Dowager C tartly replies, "Then you are misinformed." Miss Cruikshank disputes the Dowager C's characterization of Larry as "detest[ing] the mere idea" of Isobel, saying he probably just hasn't thought things through: "His father is old and alone and in need of--" "In need of care?" finishes the Dowager C.

"Which you are not prepared to give."

"I would have said a companion," says Miss Cruikshank, recovering her composure. "Which you are not prepared to be," says the Dowager C.

Aaaaand there it is. "And what of this house?" asks the Dowager C. "Will you surrender it? To be free of him?" "She won't want to live at Cavenham after Lord Merton's death," says Miss Cruikshank smoothly, saying it would be too lonely for "a woman like her." The Dowager C rumbles that it won't be too lonely for a woman like Miss Cruikshank: "I expect they'll have to drag you out as you break your fingernails catching at the door case."

"So, there we have it," the Dowager C winds up. "You want a free nurse to take a tiresome old man off your hands."

"You're a cool little miss aren't you," says the Dowager C, almost admiringly. "I'd feel sorry for Larry if I didn't dislike him so much." It's at this point that Miss Cruikshank decides to end the meeting by kicking out the Dowager C.

It remains to be seen how bad this meeting will have been, for Miss Cruikshank, when she looks back on it. Not in question: the Dowager C is still a boss.

Ugh, Fucking Denker

Poor Spratt is messing around with his stamp collection when Denker swans in to be all smug about the fact that if the Dowager C's taking a trip, Denker automatically gets to go with her. I get that Spratt's disappointed that he doesn't get to sail to the South of France, but on the other hand, this is his chance to Risky Business it up all over the Dower House!

Life (With Mr. Talbot) Is A Highway

While Anna gets Mary ready for bed, the talk turns to the Brooklands trip, and then...gets kind of real.

More Like Miss Cruiksnake

Who called the meeting? The Dowager C.

What's it about? Partly about the details of her imminent trip, but mostly about the details of Miss Cruikshank's sneaky Lord Merton disposal plan that she collected at her recent visit.

How'd it go? The Dowager C doesn't relish revealing what a scumbag Miss Cruikshank is as much as, let's say, I would, so it's pretty businesslike. But she also makes clear how this revelation puts Isobel -- who does still like Lord Merton as a fellow human being -- in a difficult position: "I'd say your choice is harder now than before. When we talked, you didn't want to come between a father and his sons....Now you must decide whether to abandon him to his selfish and greedy children! Is that kind or right?" Isobel says it's still a tug-of-war she'd rather avoid. The Dowager C: "My guess is, when you take delivery from Miss Amelia, you'll be lucky if you see a Christmas card." THIS BITCH! God, I'm going to miss her.

Round And Round She Goes, Our Cassandra Jones

Edith makes one of her rare visits to "her" magazine to make sure Miss Edmunds hasn't died, I guess, and to invite her to the race at Brooklands. While she's there, Miss Edmunds pitches her the idea of adding an advice column -- apparently they're "very popular in America, which means they're due a revival here" -- and says they've had a sample submitted by a certain Cassandra Jones. This is not especially interesting, but I'm leaving it here now in case my guess is right and it's revealed in either of the remaining two episodes that Miss Edmunds is Cassandra Jones/a con artist of some kind? Because otherwise who cares?

What's On Menu At Rosamund's?

On the eve of the race, all the Downton Crawleys have descended upon Rosamund, the family's unofficial hotelier. What's being served?

Bitter Economic Realities: Though the Yorkshire Crawleys totally have Grantham House in London, they didn't bother opening it for this trip because it's not worth the hassle or expense. (Is there a skeleton crew of people who live there all the time and do basic maintenance, or do they just hire temps for the increasingly rare times they use it? WHY DO I CARE WHEN THERE'S ONLY TWO MORE EPISODES?)

Kedgereemembrances Of More Profligate Times: "In my youth, all the great hostesses used to have luncheon laid for twenty every day, and if you turned up in time, you just sat down to a lovely feed," says Lord G wistfully. YEAH, THAT'S NOT AN INSANE WASTE OF FOOD AT ALL.

Talbot Surprise (With A Side Of Hot Oil For Dipping): The meal's wrapping up when Henry rolls in, thanking Tom for having rounded everyone up for the next day's event. In a private aside, Mary comments, "It's a bit obvious, dropping in uninvited after dinner." Henry says he hopes it is obvious that he wants to be part of the family, adding, "I want to surround you with people murmuring, 'Isn't he divine,' or, uh, 'It'd be mad to let him go.'" So he's been reading my texts! Henry wants to know, did Mary mind him inviting the whole clan without running it by her? "I'm here, aren't I?" says Mary wryly. HERE FOR DAT AZZZZZZ.

The Library Isn't Open

Situation: It's midday break for the exams Daisy and Molesley are sitting, and the servants who didn't go to Brooklands for the race have gathered for a picnic and are chatting about the tests Daisy already took. She hands Andy the exam paper, commenting that #2 really threw her for a loop, and Mrs. Patmore asks him to read it to the group.

What makes it awkward? As we know but no one else does, Andy can't read. He kind of hems and haws trying to figure out how he's going to get out of this one, and Thomas tries to take the paper and save him, but finally Andy decides there's no rescue possible and admits, "I can't read, Mr. Molesley. At least, Mr. Barrow's been trying to teach me to read, but I'm too stupid to learn....So there we have it! I'm a fool who knows nothing. I am nothing."

How is order restored? Well, it is and it isn't. Mr. Dawes offers to help teach Andy how to read, but Andy's pretty pessimistic that he could: he says that Thomas has been trying but hasn't been able to break through, so Andy's just decided that he's stupid. Dawes is sure he's not, and talks about a plan for them to get together for lessons. Great! Thomas offers to pitch in at the estate and to help Andy practise and reinforce what Dawes is teaching him, but Dawes is all, "You've been very generous, but I wouldn't want to confuse Andy with different methods." Thomas:

So Thomas has one less thing to live for? COOL.

Vroom Vroom...Screech

So the race is underway, and Mary hates it, though she'll only admit to her frustration at its apparent endlessness -- "It feels as if we're trapped in some witch's curse for all eternity" -- and not, you know, the inherent danger. While she's turned away from the track to complain to Tom, there's the sound of a crash, and all hell breaks loose.

Mary takes off running; when Anna goes to follow, Bates stops her, citing her "condition."

To Anna's credit, she goes anyway. We then cut to the scene of the crash, and...

...OH THANK GOD, THAT GORGEOUS FACE AND THE BODY IT'S ATTACHED TO ARE FINE. (And also foooooine.) But Charlie, Henry's teammate (who, in retrospect, I should have paid one tiny bit of attention to in any of the several episodes he's appeared in before this one, OH WELL), is trapped under his car, which is on fire. Henry makes to go under there himself and pull Charlie out, but everyone else there screams at him to stop and finally convince him not to be a hero when, I might add, he doesn't know what the hell he's doing. I mean, neither does anyone else -- automotive and firefighting technology are probably both poorly understood at this point -- but this toff especially doesn't.

By the time Mary gets to the scene, it's still chaotic, and she has no idea whose car is on fire and therefore who might be under it. Mary -- quite reasonably under any circumstances, but particularly in hers -- is freaking out until Bertie tells her that it's Charlie.

This hot-ass motherfucker knows how to make an entrance. And, uh...that will be Charlie's final exit.

Smoking and car racing are both dumb but damn if this guy doesn't make them look goooood.

Might Molesley Escape His Miserable Cave?!

Mr. Dawes stops by the servants' hall with some pretty great news: he's graded Molesley's exam and he rocked it. Like, rocked it so hard that Mr. Dawes is there to offer Molesley a teaching job right there on the spot.

Molesley accepts, of course, and emotionally thanks Mr. Dawes. While Mrs. Patmore prepares a celebration, Daisy asks whether this is the end of service for him, and Molesley replies, "Service is ending for most of us, Daisy. I've just got a head start." She asks if he'll miss it, and Molesley sighs that he was never going to make butler: "Well, not in a proper house like this one. And from now on, there's going to be more and more people chasing fewer and fewer jobs, so it's probably time, and this seemed like a good way to go." Yeesh, guess Daisy better hope she aced her exams too or she's fucked. Daisy says she's glad for Molesley: "You deserve it." He laughs: "I never think I deserve anything!" Aw, and that's why he's one of the better characters on this silly show.

But Not For Me

Andy tries to involve Thomas in the party for Molesley, but he sends Andy ahead and hangs back...

...and watches everyone ELSE enjoying a happiness that will never be his, emo-ly. This isn't getting worrisome at all!

[Cough]

Situation: It's dinnertime at Rosamund's again.

What makes it awkward? Everyone at the table watched a guy die in the middle of a "sporting event." To break the silence, Miss Edmunds -- who everyone barely knows -- comments, "One talks of risk and danger and it sounds like fun, but of course the reality behind it is sudden death." "Sudden, stupid, wasteful death," breathes Mary. "That was a bloody awful business," adds Lord G. "Bloody, bloody awful business." "The English language never lets you down," murmurs Rosamund. "Oh, SHUT UP," snaps Lord G.

How is order restored? Rosamund suggests that they all "go through," but Cora announces that Lord G is going to bed. Maybe everyone should? Is this really a night for liqueur?

Mary And Tony Crash And Burn

Mary is, in fact, having liqueur when Tom comes in to say that Henry's on the phone. Mary tries to make Tom tell him to call again the next day, but Tom tells her he thinks she should speak to him, and since Tom's the only person whose advice she ever listens to, she does.

When she takes the receiver, Mary tells Henry he should try to sleep, but he replies, "I found that I had to hear your voice first. The truth is, I won't sleep until I know where we're headed." Mary tries to dodge by saying that they shouldn't worry about Them when Charlie's very freshly dead (I'm paraphrasing), but Henry says Charlie's death has made him realize he and Mary don't have a moment to waste. (This seems like kind of a slam on all the due diligence Mary's been doing on every guy that came after Matthew died under almost the same circumstances Charlie did -- by the same means, at least -- but she doesn't say so.) "This is my carpe diem moment, I must seize the day!" says Henry. Mary:

Mary says in so many words that she wouldn't have said it now, but the day's events have made her realize that she and Henry aren't meant to be together: "We're not right." Henry starts to say, "I can--" but Mary says he shouldn't give up racing, or anything else in his life, except Mary herself. Henry says he can't give her up, and begs her not to end things, but she says she must, and hangs up.

Tom comes in just in time to hear the end of it and tells Mary, "I wish you wouldn't." Mary, who had held it together pretty well on the phone with Henry, loses her composure and cries that when she saw it was Charlie who'd crashed and not Henry, she was glad: "Think of that! I was glad!!!" "You're not seeing straight," says Tom -- but kindly, not mansplainfully. "Today brought up Matthew's death and all the rest of it. You're in a black mist....You're frightened of being hurt again. But let me tell you this: you will be hurt again, and so will I. Because being hurt is part of being alive. But that is no reason to give up on the man who's right for you." Tom is right (besides which if Mary listens to him she ends up with Henry who is HOT AS SHIT). But the more we see Mary taking no one's counsel but Tom's, the more I think this Henry business has just been killing time until Mary ends up with Tom. (British people or others who have flown to England and know how the season ends: DON'T TELL ME.)

Daisy and Mrs. Patmore talk about their eventful day, touching on Andy's imminent literacy (if Mr. Dawes is to be believed). Daisy, kind of snottily, says it will be worth it to Andy to learn how to read even if all he uses it for is to read about farming and help Mr. Mason with the pigs. Mrs. Patmore is then forced to tell Daisy that, even if Mr. Mason loves other people -- like Andy -- it won't make Mr. Mason love her less, but that Daisy's grating behaviour very well might. Oh wait, that last part was me. Mrs. Patmore promises Daisy that she's found a father's love in Mr. Mason so maybe she should just CHILL. Oops! That was me too.

At Rosamund's, Anna and Baxter find each other in the hall, where Baxter hesitantly asks if she has a reason to congratulate Anna. Quietly pleased/smug, Anna confirms it, and should probably be grateful that her secret accidentally came out in front of literally the most tight-lipped servant on the staff (who is very sweet and sincere in offering her best wishes, of course). When Anna goes into the bedroom, Bates is already in bed, and she reports on the Mary/Henry breakup. Bates comments that it doesn't seem like the night to have done it, but Anna says she's sure, adding, on his question, that she thinks Mary was probably right. IT'S LIKE NO ONE'S LOOKED AT THIS FUCKING GUY THOUGH.

Bertie and Edith are cuddling on a couch when the clock strikes and Bertie says he has to go. Edith says he's been "such a help," and that she's never been so "comfortable" as she is with his arm around her. Again talking about how settled they already are? That's...hot. Bertie says she makes him happy when she says such things, if it's okay to be happy on a day like this one; does she really feel that way? "It's not a trap," jokes Edith. "Today has been sad and wretched, and having you here has helped me face it, that's all." "The thing is, I'd like to be trapped," says Bertie. "And...well, I'd better just say it: I want to marry you."

Bertie checks to make sure Edith's not offended, which she isn't -- she's thrilled and delighted; she's just surprised. He tells her she knows he's "mad" about her, to which she Ediths that she's not the type men get mad about. Bertie takes his cue and tells her she's wrong, before admitting that he can't be what Lord G dreamed of for Edith, but that he's got lots of love to make up for the money he lacks. Edith asks if she could bring Marigold. Bertie: "Your family's ward?"

Bertie doesn't mind as long as they can also have children together "before close of play." Edith says she has to think about it. Bertie says he'll go, and Edith tells him, "Kiss me first, and I promise I won't keep you waiting too long." He does, while her wheels presumably start spinning about how she's going to tell him the truth about her scandalous past!

At her B&B, an almost-giddy Mrs. Patmore helps her niece Lucy dish out breakfast, and then serves it to her very first guests!

When Mrs. Patmore leaves, we see there's a guy with a camera and a notebook watching from some bushes! Oh shit, TripAdvisor's here already!

When the Crawleys return from London, Isobel's waiting in the library, feeling awkward about the letter the Dowager C's given her to pass on informing them about her trip. Cora knows the Dowager C left because of her, but Lord G says that the letter only mentions "a change of air" and that Spratt is bringing a gift by way of goodbye. Lord G asks Spratt to bring it up, but Carson cagily says that Spratt might be right to insist on staying with it in the servants' hall. WHAT EVER COULD IT BE?!

IT A DOOG! The Dowager C picked this pup out her very own self! Meet Tio, everyone! See, as Lord G explains, he's still hewing to his doog naming convention, because Tio was a wife of Amenhotep II and the mother of Thutmose IV...but who cares!

NEW DOOG! WOOF WOOF! WELCOME, SWEET IDIOT PUPPY FACE!

Lord G can't wait to bring her upstairs! Lord G ignores Spratt's warnings that Tio isn't housebroken yet! Lord G doesn't care if she poops on everything! LORD G'S ABOUT READY TO WEAR HER AS A HAT!!!