Beloved Old Faces Return To Surprise The Ladies Of Downton Abbey

How Soon They Forget And Start Being Real Shitheads All Of A Sudden

Sgt. Willis shows up in the kitchen wanting to talk to Baxter, OF WHICH MORE ALL-CAPS COMMENTARY LATER. As soon as she's left the room to deal with what is, in all probability, a nerve-wracking if not outright terrifying situation, the Bateses turn into The Plastics: Andy asks what the police want with Baxter, and Anna cracks, "Makes a nice change." "Good to know we can joke about it," adds Bates. Hey, um, that was you five minutes ago? Maybe try being less smug and have a little empathy, particularly for the woman who spent every one of her few days off VERIFYING YOUR ALIBI? What the hell is this attitude all of a sudden? I'm as sick of the saintly Bateses as anyone, but if this is a correction, it went too far in the wrong direction.

FUCKING YOU AGAIN?

Alert Type: Retread Alert.

Issue: A man named Peter Coyle is on bail for theft.

Complicating Factors: A chambermaid who worked with him is accused alongside him, and Sgt. Willis thought Baxter might know something about it because...long story short, this dude is the same guy who convinced her to rob their employer and pin most of the evidence on her; since this Coyle is doing the same thing again, the prosecution was hoping Baxter would testify, as a character witness, about her own experience with him, which seems like it would be irrelevant and prejudicial, but what do I know? (A lot: I've had at least forty hours of Law & Order and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit on at my desk this week.) Also, Molesley is present as Baxter discusses this with Willis, so this is the first he's hearing about Baxter's Terrible Secret.

Resolution: Baxter dicks around for a while about whether she's going to testify or not, but ultimately she agrees to do it.

Speculation: Will Molesley be so moved by her grace and rectitude on the stand that he is moved to suggest that they...think about holding hands sometime?!

Shut Up Forever, Daisy

Upstairs, the Crawleys are discussing the matter of the Yew Tree Farm tenancy, with Mary arguing for the family to take it over while Cora stands firm in her position that they should let it to a new tenant. But since nothing's happened on DAISY MASON's timetable, she's downstairs, furiously mashing potatoes and ranting about how hard done by she is: "I feel so let down. They've got Mr. Mason's hopes up! Let him think he had a future, and now what?" "To be honest, Daisy, wasn't it YOU who put his hopes up?" Mrs. Patmore reminds her. Oh my god, THANK YOU. "ONLY because I was sure that was what she intended!" yips Daisy. "She's led me on!!!" For fuck's sake, Daisy, no one promised you anything, no one OWES you anything, and if Mr. Mason has found himself in a precarious financial position, PLEASE REMEMBER THAT'S PARTLY ON YOU. When is someone going to mash HER?!

Dear Mister President, Someone Needs To Acknowledge That Mary's Husband Died In A Car Accident. I Am Not A Crackpot!

Once Mary's gotten over the shock of seeing Henry Talbot again -- he's tagged along for dinner with his aunt, Lady Shackleton, enlisted by the Dowager C to speak up for the Dowager C's position on the hospital (a task she ends up sucking at, btw, not that anyone cares) -- the conversation turns to what he's doing in Yorkshire; turns out he's in town about a car -- which, as you will recall, he races for a living. "I don't envy much, but I envy that," comments Tom.

STILL no one is going to mention the fact that Mary is even available for Henry to make eyes at because her husband was KILLED IN A CAR CRASH? Henry's aunt, the Dowager C's dear friend, didn't mention it to him, or he wouldn't have heard about it at the time through their shared social circles? They're not going to acknowledge the connection with some throwaway mention of how much safer cars have gotten since Matthew's death? It's not like I'm suggesting the show should have given Mary a phobia about riding in cars herself, but racing cars is still a potentially fatally dangerous activity today; how much dicier must it have been in the '20s? Not to mention this was still a relatively new technology of which it would be reasonable for a sensible person to be wary. Like, imagine if Scandal were about a woman whose husband was killed in a Segway accident, and then she fell in love with a guy who raced Segways exclusively in narrow mountain passes. IT WOULD COME UP. I am not a crackpot!

Dear Mister President, What Did I JUST SAY? I Am Not A Crackpot!

No, how about, "I think choosing to drive recklessly for sport is stupid given that SAFE DRIVING KILLED MY HUSBAND"?! I MEAN MY GOD.

Lord G's Still Having That Pain

Remember? Here it is again.

Probably nothing then, probably nothing now!

Getting Schooled

Situation: Rosamund's joined the board of trustees of Silverton, a college for women, and in order to get Edith to get involved as well, she's organized a luncheon at Downton for the school's treasurer, a Mr. Harding. Though Edith does approve of the project, she also assumes that Rosamund's trying to set her up, but Mr. Harding's already married, and his wife will be attending as well.

What makes it awkward? Mrs. Harding is the former Gwen the Downton housemaid -- the one Sybil helped to get a job as a secretary at the phone company back in Season 1. Anna recognizes her and is excited to see her doing so well and looking so middle-class (she doesn't say that part) but doesn't put her on blast even when Mary says she thinks she and Gwen may have met somewhere before and Gwen says they haven't (which is true in the sense that Mary wouldn't have "met" a person she considered to be part of the furniture); Thomas, who's butlering while Carson's on his honeymoon, takes it very personally that Gwen doesn't announce her past association with the house, and when someone mentions Carson during lunch, Thomas is all, "You recall Mr. Carson, madam, surely." Gwen is stunned as Thomas explains, "Mrs. Harding used to work here." This appears to be news even to Mr. Harding, which, weird, but anyway, Thomas goes on: "She used to be a--"

How is order restored? After tightly taking over from Thomas under duress, Gwen tells her own story: "I used to be a housemaid for a couple of years, before the War." "I knew I'd seen your face," says Mary, not unkindly. "Why didn't you say?" asks Lord G, delightedly. Gwen says she was going to. "You had every opportunity," snits Mary...somewhat less kindly than before. Isobel thinks it's wonderful that Gwen went from service to politics and marriage to a prominent man, and Cora agrees that Gwen's is a great "twentieth-century story"; she just feels bad that she didn't recognize Gwen. "Why should you?" says Gwen generously. "We never spoke." Edith expresses guilt (but not much guilt) that the Crawleys weren't more friendly with Gwen during her time there, but Gwen -- sounding sincere -- says she never expected that they would, adding, "It was a good job." Not good enough to stay, Rosamund adds, but Gwen says she just didn't want to stay in service her whole life. "So you saw an opportunity and you took it," says Isobel. "Brava." But that's not QUITE how it went down, Gwen explains: "Lady Sybil found it." Tom's proud look at this revelation about his amazing wife about melts my black heart and makes me so glad he's back.

Come on.

"Sybil helped you?" Mary repeats, clearly feeling like a real shitheel by comparison. "She looked out for the jobs, lent me clothes, drove me to the interviews," says Gwen. "It was our secret pact. And then one day she cornered the man who was installing the telephone here and that's how I got me first job in business." Tom asks whether she kept in touch with Sybil, and she says they exchanged Christmas cards: "And then I heard the news. I'll never forget her. Her kindness changed me life." Rosamund calls that a lovely way to remember her, and Tom says Sybil was a lovely person. "Darling Sybil," sighs Mary, before thanking Thomas for reminding everyone of Gwen's time there. "My pleasure, Milady," grits Thomas, who probably feels like a SUPER-shitheel given that his attempt to out Gwen has resulted in this emotional journey through Sybil's greatest moments.

Literally Everyone Is In A Hurry To Get Away From The Bateses

Who's causing a family crisis? Baby Bates.

How? After giving Anna little twinges all day, it's waited for Mary and Anna's discussion of Gwen's visit to the house and her fond remembrances of Sybil -- "I had one of those moments where you look at your life -- I realized how much better Sybil was than I am," says Mary -- to start trying to make its exit from Anna's womb.

Which relatives have a problem with it? If "Oh, I'm losing it, it's happening again!" is anything to go by, Anna doesn't seem thrilled.

Who's an unlikely ally? Mary's a likely ally in getting Anna to London and to her gynecological specialist to put in that stitch they talked about. Tom, having just returned from America, is an unlikely ally in that he hasn't been around for any of this and Anna's pregnancy project is a giant secret even from Anna's own husband. But Tom's also a cool dude, so when Mary brings him into her confidence, he immediately volunteers to drive Mary and Anna to the train station and keep it on the QT.

Spoiler: Rich people's health care is just better.

Since the natural assumption when Mary steals away in the night with Anna in tow is that Mary has a scandalous secret to keep, the servants are speculating about what might be going on. Baxter wet-blankets at them all to knock it off, but soon may regret changing the subject, because suddenly, Daisy makes a decision: "I've had enough. I don't care what Mrs. Patmore says: Her Ladyship has cheated Mr. Mason of his farm, and I'm going to have it out with her." Molesley -- who, I'm sorry, kind of put the idea of Mr. Mason taking over Yew Tree Farm in Daisy's head in the first place with his big fat mouth -- urges her not to do it since she'll lose her job, but Daisy points to Gwen as an example of someone who's "thrown off the yoke of service to make a good life," as if Gwen did so having burned bridges at Downton. Shut up, Daisy, you're simple.

Upstairs, Cora wants to take advantage of Agent Mary's sudden exit -- "It's just Mary being dramatic," sniffs Edith -- to offer Yew Tree to Mr. Mason. The grubby financial truth is that the Crawleys would make more money if they farmed the land themselves and let the house...but in light of Gwen's recent return and impromptu eulogy, Cora thinks they should ask Tom what Sybil would do. Dirty pool! But also, it's not that I'm the #1 fan of Mary's behaviour in this episode, but she is the agent; how about they wait for Mary to come back and let her do her fucking job? It's not like any of you other lazy jerks have ever had one (Edith semi-excepted).

Downstairs, Daisy is making her way toward the stairs to tell Cora some shit, while everyone else begs her not to, reminding her that she'll not only definitely get fired, but on top of that will have to try to find another job without a reference from this one. Daisy doesn't care, I guess because she thinks knowing some facts about Charlemagne makes her extremely employable as an assistant cook? Anyway, if Daisy is determined to become the office Tina Turner on this one, Baxter declares that she's going with her.

When Tom returns and is asked to offer his opinion, he agrees with Lord G that giving Yew Tree to Mr. Mason isn't a "businesslike decision," but when Cora brings up the question of what Sybil will do, Tom smiles, "Well, we all know the answer to that." He adds, "I was reminded recently of William's death. And I suppose I do feel old Mason's in our charge." Cora agrees. "Shouldn't we wait for Mary?" asks Lord G. GOOD POINT. "No, I'll handle Mary," says Tom. OH TOM, WHY ARE YOU PISSING ON ALL MY GOODWILL WITH YOUR PATERNALISTIC PHALLUS ALL OF A SUDDEN? "Handle Mary"? That ain't you. Ugh.

Decision made, Cora heads out into the hall, where she runs into Daisy with Baxter in tow. Baxter tries one last time to stop Daisy shooting her stupid mouth off, and Cora's like, "I don't understand what you're doing here." Before Daisy can screw up the courage to say something horribly regrettable, Lord G comes out all, "Will you tell Mr. Mason the news or should we?" "Tell him what?" breathes Daisy. "He's got the farm if he still wants it," says Lord G. "Isn't that why you're here?" Cora's face betrays that she suspects Daisy's there because she was about to do something extremely risky and ill-considered, but she doesn't correct Lord G. "What wonderful news!" says Baxter. "Wonderful!" agrees Daisy, who's clearly about to throw up her heart. Baxter escorts Daisy away, and when they're gone, Lord G comments, "That was rather peculiar." "I have a feeling I've just dodged something, and I don't know what," Cora sighs.

Dear Mister President, Now I Feel Like They Are Just Trolling Me! I Am Not A Crackpot!

Definitely nothing more than that plus THE THING THAT KILLED YOUR HUSBAND, MARY, OR DID YOU ACTUALLY FORGET???

Vroom Vroom Vroom, Let's Go Back To My Room

Who's on a date? Mary and Henry.

Where has he taken her? The aforementioned club, because god forbid the episode let pass a single opportunity to infuriate me with its handling of Henry's dumb car-racing job.

Are things headed in a horizontal direction? Not really. Once they move on from cars (rrrr), Henry asks Mary about her passions. The first thing she mentions is her job as the agent at Downton and how determined she is not to let the estate go under, by which Henry says he is "extremely impressed." He adds, "And you have a son," and Mary's like, oh right, that guy. She adds, "He'll take over eventually, I assume, and when he does, I want to make sure he's the master of a modern going concern," which, nice cover for the fact that you totally forgot he existed. She briefly adds that George will inherit Robert's title, making it all "very neat and tidy." Henry says it is, except for Mary herself, "rather at a loose end." "I hope this means you're boiling up to make a pass before we're done," flirts Mary. Henry asks if she'll accept, and she does not lead him on: "No. But I shall enjoy the process enormously." After they sort out Anna's parts, maybe the specialist can recommend AN OPTOMETRIST, because MARY CLEARLY NEEDS ONE.

Daisy and Mr. Mason walk the grounds at Yew Tree, and while I have no beef with Mr. Mason, Daisy the barely-informed rabblerouser looks so fucking smug I kind of want to slap her face off? Mr. Mason says he's happy he's going to be safe, since the Crawleys won't sell the estate in his lifetime. "Lady Mary wouldn't allow it," Daisy agrees. FORESHADOWING???

The servants are hanging up celebratory decorations to welcome the Carsons back from their honeymoon when Anna returns from London looking very spry. Bates warily asks whether the trip went well, and she replies, "I think so, yes." "I believe I know what you're hiding," says Bates in his usual unintentionally creepy way, "and I've felt sure I know what it is that took you to London in a rush, and I hope I'm wrong." "You're not wrong in all of it," says Anna, "but you're wrong if you think I'm hiding something sad. What I've been hiding is very, very happy." Bates bubbles up the first actual giggle we've probably ever heard from him, and even though these two are fucking bores, it's sweet.

And then the Carsons are back! Punch for all!

Upstairs, the Dowager C is led into the drawing room, and immediately accuses the gathered Crawleys of "plotting." Cora asks whether it's really so important that the Crawleys stay in charge of the hospital, because yes, that debate has still gone on, but I've spared you most of it, because unlike Julian Fellowes, I LOVE YOU AND RESPECT YOUR PRECIOUS TIME. Affronted, the Dowager C rhetorically asks, "That is my sole motive, is it?" "Isn't it?" asks Isobel. Apparently, this isn't about Crawley supremacy at all; it's that the Dowager C is a libertarian or something, and doesn't trust the government: "Less control by the people, more control by the state." That's why she considers it her duty to resist the proposed reforms: "The point of a so-called great family is to protect our freedoms. That is why the barons made King John sign the Magna Carta....Your great-grandchildren won't thank you when the state is all-powerful because we didn't fight." "I won't have any, so I can live with that," Rosamund shoots back. hee! But wait, nothing's been decided! GODDAMMIT, THE ISSUE LINGERS.

Meanwhile, Mary has been informed that her authority as agent was usurped when she dared to leave the house (I'm paraphrasing). Tom, who told her offscreen, admits that she's annoyed, but says that her trip to London went so well that she's less upset than she would be otherwise. And then the toffs are on their way downstairs to welcome back the Carsons! "I haven't been into the kitchens for, oh, at least twenty years," sniffs the Dowager C. Isobel: "Have you got your passport?" hee.

In the kitchen, Tom asks the Dowager C whether it's changed much since she was there last, and she can't help being snotty: "I only know I shall need Ariadne's thread to find my way out!" Mary:

The subject turns to Edith and her magazine; she says she's going to try to find a woman editor to replace the departed Mr. Skinner. "I applaud you," says Isobel. "Well, of course you do," snips the Dowager C. But guess who ELSE thinks it's a good idea? Mary! She really is in a good mood about Anna's pregnancy if she can deign to treat Edith like a person and not a slow child. Rosamund murmurs to Mary it's nice of her to compliment Edith, and Rosamund should note the occasion since this might the first time it's ever happened. Mary: "A monkey will type out the Bible if you leave it long enough." THERE it is.

Molesley and Baxter quietly discuss Peter Coyle's trial; she doesn't know when it will be. OH GOOD, I HOPE IT'S MANY MONTHS AWAY SO THERE'S FRETTING ABOUT IT IN EVERY FUCKING EPISODE. "At least he can't hurt you now," comments Molesley. Baxter: "Can't he?" Well, sure, he's out on bail, but he's about to go on trial, and it's the '20s, and I doubt he's in the British servant mafia, and she lives in a house with like 500 people, so he probably can't do much.

Of the Dowager C, who has made a hasty exit, Rosamund worries to Lord G, "I'm afraid she won't give up -- about the hospital." YES, I AM WORRIED ABOUT THAT AS WELL. "I shan't think that at her funeral," jokes Lord G. Rosamund: "Who says she won't be at yours?" MORE FORESHADOWING???

Carson asks Thomas whether he has anything to report; apparently, nothing except that being a butler is more complicated than Thomas had realized. More foreshadowing? Is Carson going to die so Thomas can take over???

Cora tells the Carsons that their cottage is set up with all their things in it, and that they must let her know if there's anything left to be done. In the meantime, the Carsons have an announcement: everyone should continue calling the legal Mrs. Carson "Mrs. Hughes," and Lord G, who hates the changing world, rejoices -- "Hallelujah, you've made me a happy man!" -- before making a toast: "Let us raise a glass and drink the health of the newlyweds, still to be known -- in this house, at any rate -- as Carson and Mrs. Hughes!"

Carson tells Mrs. Hughes he's going to go check his room to make sure nothing's been left behind, and then climbs the stairs so slowly and deliberately that I swear I thought he was about to collapse of a heart attack...

...and glances around the room that's been his only home for decades...

...and then moves on to the next phase of his life! Which I certainly hope will be very long and happy despite all this chapter-closing imagery that's giving me a sense of terrible foreboding!!!