Downton Abbey Forces Mary To Atone For Her Premarital Sexcapades

Won't Make Old Bones

Situation: Having accepted Carson's marriage proposal, Mrs. Hughes has been dragging her feet about setting a wedding date, because she's not sure what Carson's expectations are when they're actually husband and wife -- specifically, whether he's going to want to have sex and stuff. She's not sure Carson's going to find her late-middle-aged body ridiculous when he sees her naked; also, she's a virgin. Maybe, she suggests to Mrs. Patmore, Carson would be okay with their having a sexless marriage and living together in very close companionship without involving their junk?

What makes it awkward? She asks Mrs. Patmore to ask Carson whether he's going to want to Do Sex with Mrs. Hughes after they're married. AND MRS. PATMORE DOES.

How is order restored? "Tell her this, Mrs. Patmore," says Carson. "That in my eyes, she is beautiful....You say she asks if I want a full marriage, and the answer is, yes, I do. I want a real marriage, a true marriage, with everything that that involves....I love her, Mrs. Patmore. I am happy, tickled, bursting with pride that she would agree to be my wife, and I want us to live as closely as two people can for the time that remains to us on earth." But will that be enough to save this engagement? STAY TUNED.

Physicians, Merge Thyselves

Alert Type: Power Struggle Alert.

Issue: A hospital in York wants to take over the facility in town.

Complicating Factors: Isobel, who's on the board as well as being the hospital's almoner, is all about it: she believes the move will benefit villagers by giving doctors access to newer equipment and thus improving patient outcomes. The Dowager C is against it, for reasons that seem primarily to be about her not wanting to cede any of the power she currently enjoys to anyone from the outside. Isobel's past flames on the board are split: Dr. Clarkson agrees with The Dowager C, while Lord M is on Isobel's side. Lord G just wants everyone not to fight about it!!!

Resolution: Isobel and The Dowager C agree that the matter won't endanger their friendship.

Spoiler: The Dowager C may not have the capacity to compartmentalize disputes like that?

This Maid's Going To Clean Up

You're Telling Me That The World Is Still Changing? It's Goddamn 1925, Enough Already!

Alert Type: Changing World Alert.

Issue: While Lord G makes himself a cocktail with seltzer (frowned upon by Carson but common in London, according to Lord G), Carson says he wants to talk about the house's future staffing needs sometime soon: both the housemaids just gave notice, and they're already functioning without a kitchen maid.

Complicating Factors: Even Lord G is starting to notice that lots of households like theirs are cutting down on staff -- which they might as well do if potential applicants would prefer to work in shops and factories so they can have their evenings free.

Resolution: None, really: Lord G doesn't want to talk about it and Carson's not in a position to push it.

Spoiler: "If I could stop history in its tracks, maybe I would," says Lord G. "But I can't, Carson. Nor you nor I can hold back time." "Unfortunately," Carson replies. In other words: the world's going to continue changing.

And Baby Doesn't Make Three

Who's causing a family crisis? Anna.

How? Until hours ago, she thought she might be pregnant, but she isn't; since this is the third time this has occurred, she's pretty sure she's infertile.

Which relatives have a problem with it? She does: she knows Bates wanted a bunch of kids, and she feels like a failure not being able to give them to him.

Who's an unlikely ally? Bates, who keeps insisting she isn't letting him down and that if kids aren't in their future, they'll come up with a new dream for themselves.

Spoiler: Since her other big worry in life is about to be dealt with, Anna's going to be boring us with this one all season, I assume.

This Bitch?

Back by non-existent demand: Denker! Here, her function is as The Dowager C's improbable confidante, hearing the gossip that Downton Abbey might downsize its staff. She promises The Dowager C that she will absolutely not repeat what she's heard, and if she says she won't, we all pretty much have to believe her, right?! (This bitch.)

Learn Baby Learn

Downton Abbey knows the question that's been burning in your mind since the show was last on the air: HAS DAISY KEPT UP WITH HER STUDIES?!

JK, no one cares and no one ever has.

BREAKING: Dead Servant Still Dead

Alert Type: Mr. Green Alert.

Issue: Against all logic and reason, the investigation into Mr. Green's death is still going on -- and there's actually been a development: another woman who claims he had raped her has come forward to confess to his murder.

Complicating Factors: The primary detective thinks it's a false confession.

Resolution: Sgt. Willis thinks it's probably a good lead, so he comes to Downton to give the Bateses the probably good news, which at least serves to distract them from the baby they're not going to have.

Spoiler: This lady may be the most important never-seen character in this show's history.

Estate Of Crisis

Who's causing a family crisis? Sir John Darnley, a family friend of the Crawleys'.

How? Plagued with debt, and with his own children uninterested in trying to salvage it, he's selling Mallerton, his country estate, and all its contents.

Which family members have a problem with it? Using the term "family" loosely: Mr. Mason, Daisy's father-in-law, who's been working on the property for decades.

Who's an unlikely ally? Daisy is horrified on Mr. Mason's behalf, but she's only "unlikely" in the sense that she's not in a position to do anything that might help him.

Spoiler: We haven't begun to see the degree to which Daisy's good intentions might be unhelpful.

Denking With Spratt's Head

Alert Type: Chaotic Evil Alert.

Issue: The Dowager C having (unwisely) told Denker that the staff at Downton might yet see more cuts, Denker's using this information to fuck with Spratt by broadly hinting that the same is soon to occur at the dower house -- and that, since The Dowager C doesn't strictly need a butler but she definitely needs someone to get her dressed, Spratt is far more expendable than Denker is.

Complicating Factors: Denker, as a new arrival, doesn't understand how Spratt's relationship with The Dowager C works, and thus cannot have expected that Spratt would ask The Dowager C straight up to give him sufficient notice to find another job if she no longer requires his services.

Resolution: The Dowager C decides to respond by fucking with Denker more or less the way Denker did with Spratt, "accidentally" telling Denker she's going to miss her and then quickly "correcting" herself. Isobel, who's visiting when this exchange occurs, asks after Denker scuttles off whether The Dowager C is really going to try to live without a lady's maid, to which The Dowager C replies, "Sometimes it's good to rule by fear."

Spoiler: Less a spoiler than speculation: does The Dowager C seem like someone who's going to put up with Denker's brand of bullshit much longer?

"Class, Shmass." - Rita

I can't say I love the scam Rita's trying to run on Mary, but I do love how little she cares about the old class divisions. For instance: when Rita shows up to try to put more pressure on Mary, she not only ignores Carson's attempts to give her the bum's rush...

...she blows right past Lord G and parks it in the library! Points for style, Rita.

Treasured Daddy-Daughter Time

Mary comes home and gets a warning from Carson that Rita's there, commenting that he knew she was trouble. "She may cause trouble for me," says Mary, "but only because I have been foolish." "We can all be foolish, Milady," says Carson reassuringly. "You know, Carson," she comments, "someday, there'll be something I've done that even you can condemn me for." "I doubt that very much," chuckles Carson -- and though on any other show that would be hardcore foreshadowing...I doubt it as much as Carson does.

From her surrogate father, Mary heads into the library just in time to see her biological one writing Rita a cheque, while Rita brags that she told him everything: "Aren't you the lucky one. But then I suppose you always are." When she's flounced off, a very ashamed Mary asks how much Rita told him. "Enough," says Lord G. "I find I'm most disappointed in Tony Gillingham," says Lord G, but Mary defends Tony, saying that he wanted to get married and that their "week in sin" was part of his plan to convince her that they should. When Lord G asks why they didn't get married, then, Mary says, "Because when it came to it, he wasn't right, at least not for me." Lord G gets as judgmental as he's going to in this conversation when he asks whether she didn't think of George -- REMEMBER HIM? -- but Mary says she thought of everyone before she did it; she just needed to be sure. As for Rita, Mary was prepared to "let her publish and be damned," which Lord G comments would have been kind of hard on the now-married Tony and Mabel -- something that maybe should have been brought up a little more during this whole escapade?

Anyway, Mary says she'll pay back Lord G's £1000, but he tells her it was only £50 -- and in exchange, he extracted a signed confession to blackmail: "I told her she could either have £50 on condition of signing, or leave with nothing and be reported to the police." I mean, of course it wasn't the full thousand -- does Mary really think anyone still lets Lord G have direct access to that much money after the railroad incident? As to how Lord G knows she won't be back? "I said if anything were published, or if we ever see her face again, I'd use it and she'd be prosecuted." Mary's legitimately impressed, and Lord G calls it "money well spent." Mary doesn't know what he means, so he adds, "To learn that my eldest child is a child no more, and quite tough enough to run this estate -- indeed, she could clearly run the kingdom should she be called upon to do so." Because she...boned a guy in Liverpool while unmarried? Is this a skill required for her to run the estate alone, now that Tom's gone? I don't know much about property management! He adds that, after this, he's "more interested than ever to see who, in the future, does come up to [her] exacting standards." "I'd rather be alone than with the wrong man," says Mary, as though she didn't just meet one who looks like Matthew Goode in the Christmas special, I MEAN HONESTLY.

It's an improbable scene, but a nice one: since they're not going to do shit to the actors' faces to remind us that more than a decade has passed since the series started, I appreciate that this progress in Lord G's parochial thinking, and in his relationship with Mary, can do it a little bit.

Taking Auction

The Crawleys have all shown up at Sir John's auction -- partly to support the family, and partly to get a close-up look at what will happen to them if they don't get serious about bringing the management of Downton into the twentieth century. (Sir John doesn't bother putting on a brave mask when he greets them, all "This life is over" and "Learn from us.") Daisy also hitched a ride with the Crawleys to support Mr. Mason, who shows her around to the items on sale, including a wedding gift that all the estate servants chipped in to buy. When Mr. Mason tk makes the tactical error of pointing out the Hendersons, the new owners, Daisy decides to pull a Sarah Bunting and make a giant scene. She raises her voice to accuse Mr. Henderson: "So it's you who insists on serving notice to men who've given their whole life to the land. Poor Cora and Lord G are already mortified...

...but that's just the overture. "You boot out families who've been here for generations! What gives you the right to do that?" Sir John, Cora, and Lord G all try to intervene/shut Daisy the fuck up, but she's not having it: "Mr. Mason has given his whole life to this farm, like his father and grandfather before him, but where's the gratitude?" Seeing there's no point trying to silence Daisy, Cora instead apologizes for her to Mr. Henderson, who snaps, "She can't imagine that if I do keep on some of the tenants, her father-in-law would now be among them?"

FUCKING FINALLY

And then Sgt. Willis shows up to tell Anna and Bates that they've found a witness to corroborate Green's real murderer's confession. "This time, it is over," Willis declares.

I think I speak for everyone still watching this nonsense when I say IT GODDAMN BETTER BE. Even more shocking and unconscionable than Anna's rape is how long Julian Fellowes let this storyline draaaaaaaaag on. (Okay...it's a tie.)

All the swells come down to join the servants in toasting the Bateses, non-murderers! Lord G specifically toasts "British justice, envy of the world!" Everyone other than him seems to agree that it would be even more enviable were it not so goddamn slow, but sure!

Edith asks what they know about the actual murderer, to which Willis says she wanted Anna to know she's sorry she let Anna take the rap for so long! Anna, the saintliest Bates since Bates, tells Willis to send her regards, and make sure she knows Anna forgives her!

Anna is excited to wake up tomorrow without "that rock on [their] chests," and Bates says he's going to Thirsk to talk to real estate agents and start planning for their future again! Anna can't help adding, "But not for a family. I'm afraid we can't plan for that." This forces Bates to remind her that they're free and sade, and to reassure her yet again that she is enough for him! "I know you want it to be true, and I love you for it," Anna, quit fishing and enjoy what you caught, damn!

The Crawleys are messing around in the kitchen inexpertly looking for snacks ("Is this the refrigerator?" - Lord G) when Carson enters, clearing his throat, and wanting to talk about Daisy! That business at the auction was a dismissible offense, he thinks, but Cora and Lord G think that Daisy's probably very regretful and that getting yelled at by Carson will be sufficient! He's not so sure, but unlike Daisy, he knows better than to argue with his social betters!

And then Carson's yelling at a wet-eyed Daisy. In response to his question, she says she didn't think she'd suffer no repercussions; she just wants to know how bad it is. "Bad enough, I hope, to make you feel small and foolish and immature, and unable to control your feelings in an adult manner," he replies, giving us all flashbacks to the last time our own dads yelled at us or maybe that's just me! "I feel all those things already," says Daisy quietly. "But not bad enough to lose your place," says Mrs. Hughes primly. Carson makes sure Daisy knows that if it were up to him she'd get super-canned, but that Cora stood up for her, and that Daisy should get lost before he changes his mind! PHEW I'M SO GLAD DAISY'S NOT LEAVING SO WE GET TO HEAR MUCH MORE ABOUT HER FUCKING TRIG LESSONS!

And then Carson and Mrs. Hughes are having a private moment in his office! She knows she's been avoiding him, and that Mrs. Patmore had that talk with him about...YOU KNOW. Carson decorously says he hopes she wasn't shocked, but that since she brought up the issue, he thought he should be honest; she agrees. Neither meets the other's eye as Carson says that if she's had second thoughts, they should tell the staff in the morning that the wedding's off -- no big announcement or fuss, they'll both get over it. But Mrs. Hughes says he's misunderstood her: she was afraid she'd be a disappointment to him, and that she couldn't please him at her current stage of life: "But if you're sure--" "I have never been so sure of anything," Carson replies. "Well, then, Mr. Carson," says Mrs. Hughes, "if you want me, you can have me, to quote Oliver Cromwell, 'warts and all.'" And then they totally go to town on each other all over the floor of his office!

Just kidding.