The Series 4 Finale Of Downton Abbey Is Kind Of Bazaar

The pigs lived! Thank God, it means that Mary didn't ruin a dress and scramble one or more eggs for nothing! And since Drewe has been doing such a good job taking care of them since their arrival, Mary and Tom want him to manage both Yew Tree and the pigs. And though dealing with two farms might seem like too much for one dude to handle, he's grateful for the opportunity: "Work's like old age, milady -- the worst thing in the world, except for the alternative." Plus I guess this way he'll be able to pay back that secret loan Lord G made all the faster. THANKS, PIGS! When Drewe is eating your bacon at some point in the future, he will taste his dignity and also salt.

Can Open, Worms Everywhere

Alert Type: Horrible Secret Alert.

Issue: Tony is coming to visit AGAIN, and Anna finally can't take it anymore and tells Mary that Green raped her.

Complicating Factors: Mary promised to keep Anna's secret before Anna told her what it was, so even though now Mary's freaking out, she can't really do anything...or can she?

Resolution: Mary takes Tony to lunch and basically orders him to fire Green, but says she can't tell him why. He's so in love with her that he only puts up the tiniest, token-iest amount of resistance before relenting.

Spoiler: Tony shouldn't bother spending too much time rehearsing his sacking speech.

She's Out Of Your Ivy League

Situation: Alfred's father died, and he's coming back to Downton AGAIN for the funeral. He's also written ahead to ask Ivy to marry him.

What Makes It Awkward? Ivy's still not into him, and also, who proposes in writing? Daisy is also still experiencing conflicted feelings about Alfred, which he isn't making easier by coming back and getting in her face all the time.

How is order restored? Mrs. Patmore gives Daisy the day of Alfred's return off so that she can go hang out with Mr. Mason and avoid Alfred, but then he tells her that she shouldn't avoid seeing the people she loves and owes it to herself to give Alfred a proper goodbye. So she races back -- just in time for Ivy to have rejected Alfred in person -- with a giant picnic basket to send him off with, and says, "I loved you, Alfred. I'll not deny it. But that's done with now." She wishes him well, they're friends forever (read: we'll never see him again), and Mrs. Patmore tells Daisy that she couldn't have been prouder of Daisy if she were Mrs. Patmore's own daughter, and I think we all hope this is the end of the world's dullest love triangle.

Don't Bring Your Secret Boyfriend To The Tiny Town Where Everyone Knows You

So because it's about to be time for the Downton Bazaar and Rose has to help set it up, she didn't get to go to London to kiss Jack under any other bridges, and somehow convinced him to come out to Thirsk to hang out with/be publicly caressed by her, and of course, Tom totally sees them. Literally any teenager could tell Rose how to conduct a relationship with someone and keep your family from finding out, but she's sheltered and stupid and confused by her hot pants.

Miss Bunting Sure Is Judgmental

When Tom (and his terrible knowledge about Rose and her beau) and Isobel get back to Downton, they run into SARAH BUNTING, who's shitty about what a bad socialist Tom is, and implies that his job as the land agent at the Abbey means he's full of crap. She challenges him to defend his beliefs, but Tom either doesn't want to get into it in front of Isobel, or doesn't want to get into it at all. So Isobel sticks up for him as "a keen political thinker." That seems to be good enough for SARAH BUNTING, who gives them a huge smile, suggesting that all she wanted was a debate, and as she takes off for her job at the school, Isobel admiringly says that SARAH BUNTING seems to know her own mind, and Tom agrees that she does.

Lady Don't Preach

Alert Type: Adoption Alert.

Issue: Edith is still pregnant.

Complicating Factors: Now that she's decided she's not going to terminate, she needs to figure out how to carry the baby to term while maintaining her position in society -- and, also, what's going to happen to the baby after it's born. She's had the great idea of giving the baby to Drewe to raise: he can keep her secret and then she can totally see the baby all the time! I mean, if he's already looking after the pigs, what's a baby on top of everything else?

Resolution: Rosamund declares Edith's plan too reckless (which it is), and says they'll just go spend a few months in Switzerland to "work on their French"; then, they can place the baby with a Swiss family.

Spoiler: People who know Rosamund well may figure out that this plan is bullshit.

Don't Be Real Specific Describing Where You Live In Front Of Your Rape Victim's Husband

Hey, Green? You kind of already pressed your luck last time you were at Downton when you blah-blahed IN FRONT OF BATES about ducking out on the Nellie Melba concert and hanging out downstairs instead, so maybe when the subject of where you live in London comes up, you should consider just giving the general neighbourhood? And have some awareness of your peripherals so you know when a possibly homicidal valet is trying to glare holes through you with his hate rays? Or maybe do. It's not like you don't deserve every terrible thing that may possibly happen to you.

Roseo And Jackiet

Who called the meeting? Mary.

What's it about? Tom having narced on Rose and Jack, now Mary has to deal with the situation.

How'd it go? Predictably terrible as are all things Rose-related. Rose jumps to the conclusion that Mary's going to lecture her about racial purity and that Jack deserves to be horse-whipped for "daring to dream," and then finally blurts out the real reason she's so "in love" with Jack: to get back at her bitchy snob of a mother. "I want to see her face crumble when she finds out." If there's a better reason to get involved with someone, I haven't heard it.

Eight Thousandth Verse, Same As The First

As Tony gets ready to leave Downton after his 400th visit this year, he makes sure to tell Mary that even though he's engaged, he's probably totally going to call it off. Mary tells him she's off the market. GET SOME SELF-RESPECT, TONY.

The Dowager Columbo

Who called the meeting? The Dowager C.

What's it about? This whole spending-several-months-in-Switzerland business.

How'd it go? Kind of awesome. After lulling Edith and Rosamund into complacency by gossiping about Mary and the four hundred men who all want to marry her, The Dowager C's like, "I see I'll have to take the slow path." Between Rosamund calling to tell The Dowager C to be a little extra nice to Edith but not why, and then showing up to announce a retreat to the Continent, The Dowager C is going to have to call bullshit. Edith whines that if she told The Dowager C what's really going on, The Dowager C would never speak to her again, so she's like, well, I guess that's my answer, but go ahead and spell it out rather than treat me like a moron, please and thank you.

Pep Boy

Situation: SARAH BUNTING's car broke down, and apparently the first person to drive by happens to be Tom, who stops to help.

What Makes It Awkward? SARAH BUNTING's hostile flirting means one of the first things she does is express surprise that Tom's actually going to meet with suppliers and do practical estate work, since she thought that when a manager is a cousin or a son-in-law, he just gets "free shooting for life" and dicks around, so he has to correct her, saying he came to the estate as its chauffeur. Bet she feels like an asshole now!

How is order restored? Tom fixes SARAH BUNTING's car, they talk about Sybil and how cool she was, and she finally comes around to the notion that if the Crawleys could let their precious baby marry a servant, maybe they're not so bad and she can stop being so salty with Tom all the time.

Blind Luncheon Date

The random chance of the whole Crawley family having better things to do (except Edith) (of course) throws Isobel in the path of what may be her perfect, age-appropriate dreamboat.

Let Mary Put Asunder

Who called the meeting? Mary.

What's it about? Stupid Rose's even stupider engagement.

How'd it go? About as well as could possibly be expected. Rose has called ahead to warn Jack, so he's prepared. And he doesn't intend to marry Rose anyway: as much as he loves Rose and admires her optimism, he knows that marrying him would spoil her life, particularly since she's primarily doing it to stick it to her mother. He's going to write her a letter breaking it off, but adds, "It doesn't mean I think it's right." Mary doesn't need to care what he thinks, as long as he doesn't press the engagement, but it kind of also seems like she likes him better than stupid Rose.

Flowers!

Are you a Peer of the Realm trying to endear yourself to a sweet widow? Did you make your first interaction awkward by (a) suggesting that her late husband became a doctor because he wasn't as high-class as you; (b) ask about her children because you forgot hers was dead; and (c) volunteer that your own marriage to your late wife wasn't particularly happy and left you without any wonderful memories? All is not lost! Send her flowers and an apologetic note. She might still want to hang out with you; she's probably so bored most of the time that the chance to nurse her sick frenemy was the highlight of her month.

Look Who Cheered Up Enough To Treat Himself To A Fun Day Trip!

While Mary was in London breaking up engagements and getting rapists fired and Anna was there to do her hair or whatever, Bates treated himself to a nice day in York, and why not. He works hard. Probably won't come up again. Why even mention it?

Lord G Is Home!

And he has so much to report!

America FAQ

Q: What happened to Cora's crooked brother Harold?
A: He was reprimanded, but don't worry: he's still rich.

Q: Was it Lord G's presence that saved him?
A: Lord G doubts it, but he's probably just being modest.

Q: How did Thomas like it?
A: It was "interesting" and "modern." Translation: he totally picked up some "fish" down at the docks.

Tony shows up at the Bazaar, and not, for once, as part of his campaign to be named "the most unconvincing fiancé" in history: it's to tell Mary that Green is dead! He was in Picadilly and fell into the road and got totally run over by a lorry! So can Mary tell Tony now why she wanted Tony to fire him? She cannot!

Mary grabs Anna and tells her the news! There were lots of witness! Anna says, "That's a relief," and then tries to take it back, as if it's not okay to want your rapist to be dead!

Molesley destroys Jimmy at a strength-testing game and Jimmy's all like, my controller's broken!

Thomas checks in with Baxter to see what intel she's gleaned while he was fucking sailors in America, but then Molesley swoops in and steers her away from her evil tormentor! He really is a Popeye-esque hero! What kind of forearms is he hiding in that livery?

Lord G says how good it is to be able to drink in public again, and The Dowager C is so shocked that Prohibition kept him from drinking the whole time he was in America that she generates a monocle so it can fall into her lap!

Charles buttonholes Mary to make sure she knows he digs her mucho, and she's like, join the club, because there literally is one.

Anna is like, sure wish I knew what you were doing in York yesterday, and Bates is like, OH, YOU KNOW, STUFF, and Anna's like, I WISH I COULD JUST ASK STRAIGHT OUT IF YOU MURDERED SOMEONE BUT I GUESS I CAN'T!

And after Lord G toasts Cora for the best goddamn bazaar anyone has ever seen...

...all the guys who are in love with Mary carpool back to London, except Evelyn, who if he's smart is out on the road setting an IED to become even kind of competitive in pursuit of her ivory hand and parts beyond!!!