Side Effects Of Downton Abbey's Endless Hospital Merger Storyline Include...

Baby, You Can Fix My Car

Who called the meeting? Probably Mary, still officially the agent for the estate, AT LEAST FOR NOW.

What's it about? After establishing for the viewer that Mary isn't really that upset about the decision made in the last episode -- in her absence and despite her authority -- to give the living at Yew Tree Farm to Mr. Mason, they move on to today's subject: discussing a car repair shop Tom wants to put up on the property.

How'd it go? Fine/boring. Tom has a location in mind that he thinks will be good for attracting passing business, and Mary has been cured by now of any impulse to think such considerations vulgar.

"He PREFERS The COMPANY Of Men!" "Who Doesn't?!"

Situation: Thomas having just once again suggested a social outing with Andy and been denied, the Bateses have privately tried to play platonic cupid on Thomas's behalf.

What makes it awkward? Everyone knows why Andy is wary of Thomas but no one can just come the fuck out with it, as it were. When the Bateses note that Thomas and Andy got along well when they initially worked together at Downton House in London, Andy explains, "Since I've come, I've gotten to know a lot more about him. I don't like to say with a lady present." "We both know Mr. Barrow pretty well," says Bates. "The point is, I wouldn't want to give him any wrong ideas," says Andy. (To be fair, this isn't necessarily something that even very worldly people of the era would have been able to discuss openly, never mind uneducated servants. Plus "sodomy" -- a.k.a. gay sex -- is still illegal.)

How is order restored? With everyone dropping the uncomfortable topic! "We are what we are," says Andy. "Isn't that the truth," says Bates. We all know what you are, Bates! BORING.

What's On The Menu At Mrs. Hughes's?

Now that they're married and living in their own home like regular independent adults, Carson has gotten the idea that it might be nice for him and Mrs. Hughes to have dinner on their own sometimes, and by that he means for Mrs. Hughes to cook for him. Since Mrs. Hughes has been in service -- and not as a cook -- for decades, it's been kind of a while since she prepared a meal on her own, and though she had asked Mrs. Patmore to set her up with some ingredients and some tips, Carson can still find fault -- and such large helpings of it!

Lamb chops: "This plate's cold, which is a pity."

Bubble and squeak: "As a vegetable with lamb?"

Disappointing silverware: "This knife could do with sharpening."

Posh Pals

While walking around the specific spot Tom wants to set up his shop, Mary comments that she's happy he's going to be coming with her to the test track; Henry's invited her to come watch him try out a new car. (I won't reiterate all the shit I said last time about how infuriated I am that no one is talking about Mary's car-killed husband, but know that I am definitely fuming about it.) "He won't want me there," Tom smirks. Mary shrugs off the idea that they're courting: "He's attractive, and nice, and it's good to remember I'm a youngish woman again. But that's all." "Youngish?" asks Tom. Mary says she won't marry down. "Was Mr. Matthew Crawley so very special in that way?" Tom asks. "Matthew was the heir to the Earldom and estate," says Mary. "I don't want to be grander than my husband. Or richer." "It may surprise you, but I agree it's important to be balanced," says Tom, "that one should not be far stronger than the other. I just don't think it has much to do with money or position." Mary asks if that's how Tom felt about Sybil, and he ruefully jokes, "To all of you, she had everything and I had nothing. She was great lady, and I the man who drove the cars." To her credit, Mary doesn't try to front like that's not 100% true. Tom goes on: "But that wasn't true for us. We were evenly matched, Sybil and I. She was strong in her beliefs; so was I. We were a marriage of equals. We were very happy." "I think we see that now," says Mary, which...is nice, but also, like, too little too late, since Sybil's dead? Still: these scenes where Mary and Tom just chat like bros are starting to be my favourites.

Denker vs. Clarkson

In the village, Dr. Clarkson crosses paths with Denker, and when he gives her a perfectly cordial greeting, she responds by tearing his fucking head off: "'Good day'? I wonder you've got the nerve to speak to me....Throwing over my lady when she's been running this village since you were eating porridge in the glen with your mummy!" She winds up by characterizing his failure to align himself with the Dowager C as "treason." Dr. Clarkson is so shocked by this assault that all he can do is scold her for her "impertinence," and warn her that she hasn't heard the last of him on this.

Winner: I guess Denker in the sense that she gets the last word. But Dr. Clarkson wasn't wrong: this isn't over.

Just Like That? It's Over?!

Imagine this as the most tentative, wary thumbs up you ever saw, because while I'm thrilled that the Peter Coyle trial has literally ended before it began -- Baxter and Molesley have arrived at the courthouse only to be told that Coyle has decided to plead guilty, possibly as a direct result of his learning that Baxter intended to testify -- I don't TOTALLY believe it's actually over and that Julian Fellowes won't find a way to drag it out far longer and more boringly? PROVE ME WRONG, SHOW.

...Something About Ernest Hamingway?

Situation: Mary, who's very protective of the pigs' welfare now that she's a porcine award winner, has some concerns that Mr. Mason may not be up to the physical labour involved in pigkeeping -- so she and Tom have popped by the house to make sure he has a plan. Mr. Mason is kind of caught off-guard by the question, but fortunately Andy is there and quickly volunteers to be Mr. Mason's pig midwife. Once Tom and Mary have gone, Mr. Mason loads Andy up with some books to get him started on some pig basics, which Thomas sees Andy looking at in the servants' hall later.

What makes it awkward? When Thomas asks which one Andy's going to start with and Andy says "the yellow one," Thomas figures out that Andy never learned to read; when he later hears frustrated noises coming out of Andy's room and checks in on him, Andy confirms that he just kind of drifted through school, and eventually it was too late for him to tell anyone he'd never quite gotten it.

How is order restored? Thomas offers to help Andy read -- privately, so none of the other servants finds out that he ever was illiterate. Maybe then Andy will quit gay-panicking around him all the time? THAT WOULD BE NICE.

The September 1925 Issue

#Patson

Daisy, Mrs. Patmore, and Andy having just finished helping him settle into the house at Yew Tree, Mr. Mason brings up the idea of Daisy moving in there to share the house, and I guess that, with time running out on the series...

...Sophie McShera decides to make one of the most purely derpy faces Daisy's ever made. But that (idiot) face soon falls as Mrs. Patmore starts playing hostess and Mr. Mason dares to smile at her. Daisy responds by getting all territorial and keeping eyes on Mrs. Patmore while she pours Mr. Mason some tea like a common prostitute.

When's someone going to push Daisy in front of a truck?

Not-So-Fit Bit

Cora and Lord G are looking after the kids when he has another one of his episodes.

But don't worry, it quickly passes, and they can go back to having raucous fun with the children: looking very carefully at some books laid out on a high table!

SUCK A DICK, CHUCK E. CHEESE!

Who's Running HR At The Dower House These Days?

Situation: Isobel's come by for a visit with the Dowager C, who can't wait to crow about how she's (still, always, from now until eternity) pushing her hospital agenda -- this time, by finagling a visit to Downton from the Health Minister, Neville Chamberlain. (HEARD OF HIM?!)

What makes it awkward? The Dowager C is sifting through her mail while they chat and opens one envelope that turns out to be extremely disturbing: it's a letter from Dr. Clarkson, in which he informs her about the way Denker, as the Dowager C puts it, "disgraced herself" with him. "Well, how distressing for you," says Isobel. "That means I shall have to find a new maid!" gasps the Dowager C. Isobel: "Yes, I see. A real punishment." hee.

The Dowager C summons Denker to tell her off, and when she repeats the word "traitor," even Isobel shows how far over the line Denker was by laughing, in total disbelief that Denker possibly could have said such a thing. "It is not your place even to have opinions of my acquaintance, never mind express them!" sputters the Dowager C. Denker ignores this advice and expresses the opinion that Dr. Clarkson can't call himself the Dowager C's friend after the way he's behaved, to which the Dowager C shoots back, "If I withdrew my friendship from everyone who had spoken ill of me, my address book would be empty!...For a lady's maid to insult a physician in the open street! You've read too many novels, Denker! You've seen too many moving pictures!" Denker thinks it makes a difference that she was rude, without provocation, to Dr. Clarkson because she was standing up for the Dowager C, to which the Dowager C sighs, "And for that, I will write a tepid character [reference], which may enable you to find employment elsewhere. But from this house you must go, forthwith."

How is order restored? Denker uses her knowledge of Spratt's secret harboring of his fugitive nephew to extort him into speaking up for her with the Dowager C, and even though we had to see it every single fucking time Daisy got a wild hair about property rights or Baxter vaguely mentioned her scandalous past, this conversation happens entirely offscreen and we only hear about it later??? This show, I swear. Anyway, Spratt's intercession works, and when he says he trusts this will be the last they ever talk about his nephew, Denker's like

Aye, There's The Pub

Who's on a date? Henry and Mary (and Tom, who's actually the one who suggested it back at the test track).

Where has he taken her? To a pub, which is extremely exotic to the likes of Lady Mary Crawley.

Are things headed in a horizontal direction? Not for Mary and Henry, though he mentions Evelyn Napier and his view that Evelyn still seems to be pining for her. Mary shrugs that he's pining in vain, though she's fond of him, and Henry "spontaneously" floats the idea that, the next time Mary's in London, the three of them can have dinner together. Mary says she'd love it.

Tom thinks it's hilarious how they both keep coming up with pretexts to spend time together: "You to watch him drive cars, you to have dinner with a friend. Why can't you just say, 'I'd love to spend more time with you? When can we do it?'" "You see?" Mary jokes to Henry. "He may have assimilated in some ways, but he still fights playing by the rules." These two, at least, are not banging yet. But when Tom mentions again how much he loves cars and Henry curses himself for not having offered Tom the keys at the track...

...I wonder if maybe Henry's in there? AND BY THE WAY WOULDN'T BE MAD IF HE WAS.

Bert Plus

Despite Edith's semi-denial back at Downton, she does, in fact, have a date with Bertie, and she's invited him to have a drink at her flat before they go to dinner -- at a restaurant, as it happens, that he picked and she loves. He compliments her taste in decor, and she credits it all to Michael, adding that she would like to live at the flat more: "I'd like a life away from Downton...The house, the estate, they're all Mary's now -- more than Papa realizes. It's time for me to strike out in my own direction, not just dawdle in Mary's wake." That said, having hired Miss Edmunds, she is going back to Downton the next day, since she can't very well miss the Chamberlain dinner. And then...

"God, what a relief," says Bertie post-clinch, which is adorable. "I thought I might be pushing my luck." "Oh, no," Edith assures him. Now that they've broken the seal, he gets very effusive: he thinks about her all the time when they're apart, though he doesn't have much to offer her. Edith disagrees: "You've a great deal to offer, and I'm not sure I'm worthy of it." OH GREAT, SOMEONE GETS TO START RE-KEEPING AN OLD SECRET FROM SOMEONE NEW.

Daisy, Green-Eyed Monster

Mrs. Hughes asks Daisy and Mrs. Patmore how things went at Yew Tree, and Mrs. Patmore observes, of Mr. Mason, "He's a lovely chap, though -- kind and considerate. He wants Daisy to live there. I suppose that's understandable; he must be lonely." "He's not lonely," snits Daisy. "He's lived on his own for years -- he's used to it!" "He enjoyed a bit of company today," Mrs. Patmore notes, more hesitantly. "He was just being polite," Daisy declares. "I expect he was LONGING for us to go."

When Mrs. Patmore has left the room, Mrs. Hughes gently suggests to Daisy that maybe she shouldn't be such a nasty rag about Mr. Mason wanting to make friends -- or, perhaps, "friends" -- with people other than Daisy even if they didn't shoot their stupid mouths off all the time about justice without actually knowing what they were talking about. I may have added the last part.

You're Going To Be Eating Those Words, Old Man

And THEN Carson rolls in and thanks Mrs. Patmore for the dinner she (mostly) prepared the other night, but CAN'T HELP ADDING -- for the benefit of Mrs. Hughes, who is standing right fucking there -- "Another time, I wonder if you might go through the cooking of it with Mrs. Hughes....It's been a while since she's played with her patty pans, and she's got some catching up to do. You'd be glad of the help, wouldn't you?" "VERY GLAD," replies Mrs. Hughes, instead of "YOUR NEXT MEAL'S GONNA BE A KNUCKLE SANDWICH, BRO."

Things Lord G Will Temporarily Stop Doing When, After The Chamberlain Dinner, He Attempts To Improve His Health By "Tak[ing] Things Quietly For A Few Days" As Opposed To Sticking To His Normal Very Busy And Stressful Schedule

• Buttering his own toast
• Walking slowly around the grounds (flat ground only)
• Writing short correspondence
• Reading non-fiction
• Talking on the telephone
• Telling time

Appease Porridge Hot

What's the occasion? Neville Chamberlain, the Minister of Health, has come to Downton at the Dowager C's invitation, and everyone is super-psyched to talk about the hospital merger some more.

What are the refreshments? Cocktails, toff food, savory smothered threats. To wit: "I remember so well when you and [your wife] were young and carefree, looking for fun wherever you could find it!" says the Dowager C to Chamberlain. "I know you do," grits Chamberlain. "Yes, well, I always say, let the past stay in the past," she adds. "I always say that too," says Chamberlain. HMMMMMMMMMMM.

Whose big public scene will everyone be talking about tomorrow? It probably would have been the way the Dowager C basically takes over the conversation and starts lecturing everyone about why the hospital should stay independent while Chamberlain realizes anew that every dinner invitation has a hidden cost. But then, as the discussion gets increasingly heated, Lord G impotently pleads for calm...

...and then he...bleeds...for calm. Sorry. But shit! Those little fits he kept trying to ignore were something after all! IF ONLY HE HAD GIVEN UP HIS EXTREMELY TAXING NON-FICTION READING SOONER!

Dr. Clarkson springs into action and diagnoses Lord G with a burst ulcer!

"If this is it," Lord G tells Cora, "just know I have loved you very much." I've heard of drama queens but I didn't know there was any such thing as a drama EARL.

Downstairs, Carson hands out assignments to the servants, concluding, "Life is short, death is sure. That is all we know." As he bustles off, Mrs. Patmore comments, "There is a man who's been shaken to the roots of his soul. Everything he's based his life on has proved mortal after all!" If Carson loses Lord G, WHO IS HE ON HIS OWN other than a man married to a woman whose cooking he pathologically can't stop criticizing!

As the ambulance pulls up, Chamberlain tells Cora he'll consider the new plan, but she says he shouldn't: "Let us let it stand. I believe the change will work well for both establishments." Chamberlain is relieved to be...relieved from being at this party, and takes off.

Once Chamberlain's left the area and the bearers from the ambulance are coming in with a stretcher to get Lord G, Cora tells the Dowager C not to reprimand her: "I think the new system will be better and I haven't got time to be diplomatic." "You think I have enough things to worry about?" snaps the Dowager C. "Better we should be honest," hisses Cora. "There've been too many secrets -- let's have no more of them." Hurrying after her, the Dowager C raises her voice a little as she asks, "If you mean Marigold, that's settled, and you know I am sorry."

RUH ROH, SOMEONE OVERHEARD THAT WHO WASN'T IN THE CONE OF SILENCE!

Once the Crawley women have gone off behind the ambulance, Tom tells Chamberlain that someone's bringing his car around; Tom's going to stay back, since he doesn't want to crowd everyone at the hospital. Chamberlain asks Tom to let his office know Lord G's outcome, and while they wait, Tom figures he might as well get some gossip in and asks how the Dowager C got Chamberlain to come, anyway. We already know that there's a family connection to Chamberlain's wife -- a now-dead Crawley was her godfather -- but there's more! Reluctantly, Chamberlain says that his wife has a brother called Horace de Vere Cole. Tom's face lights up with recognition as Chamberlain goes on: years ago, Cole and some friends dug a trench around Piccadilly Circus...and Chamberlain was one of the friends. They basically ground traffic to a total standstill. "And old Lady Grantham threatened to give you away," Tom surmises. It was ages ago, Chamberlain says, but it would still make him look bad in the press: "And a dinner seemed a price worth paying to avert it." Why not? It's not like he was going to draft a bill at the table; isn't listening to people yammer about dumb shit and immediately forgetting about it 95% of what politicians do?

Later, Carson gets off the phone and reports what he's just heard from Mary: Lord G had a gastrectomy, and is resting now. "What's that?" asks Thomas. "No business of ours," says Carson firmly.

In the hall afterward, Mary and Edith agree to take turns at the hospital the next day. "It only takes a moment for everything to feel quite different," Mary muses. Edith, obviously, has no idea what she's on about, and says she'll go check on the children. "Of course you will," breathes Mary. I will not lie: I am VERY excited for the confrontation that will inevitably arise from this slip!!!

Tom checks in on Lord G's prognosis, and Mary says that from now on, the two of them REALLY need to shield Lord G from stress. Is he even allowed to handle money anymore? WHAT STRESS? Anyway, Tom agrees: "So long live our own Queen Mary." I CONCUR.

Anna is waiting for Mary in her room. Mary just wants to go to bed...but first: "Is there any talk in the servants' ward about Miss Marigold?" Everyone thinks she's lucky, says Anna, but they would think that, of course. "And that's all you want to say?" asks Mary suspiciously. "Why?" asks Anna. "What else should I say?" Mary sighs that she's too tired to talk more about it tonight...

...but she is not done PONDERING SUPER-HARD! LOOK OUT EDITH, SHE'S GOING TO HAVE DAYS OF PREPARATION WHEN YOU TWO FINALLY HAVE IT OUT! YOU WILL BE VASTLY OVERMATCHED IN THE ZINGER DEPARTMENT!!!