The (Man) Hunt Is On!

Our House Is A Very Very Very Fine House, If We Get One, Which Maybe Let's Not?

Alert Type: Real Estate Alert.

Issue: A planned visit to Mrs. Patmore's house has lit a fire under Carson to find the house he and Mrs. Hughes are going to buy.

Complicating Factors: She doesn't seem to be that into it anymore and pooh-poohs the three he's chosen for them to see in person.

Resolution: When he finally notices her reticence and asks her about it, she comes clean: though she didn't want to say anything because the idea of buying a house with Carson was so appealing, she doesn't actually have any savings to contribute. Mrs. Hughes has a sister, Becky, who's "not quite right in the head." When the elder Mrs. Hughes was alive, she looked after Becky, but when she died, our Mrs. Hughes had to decide whether to care for Becky herself and live on a pittance, or continue working and use all her earnings to keep Becky in a fit home. When Carson asks what Mrs. Hughes is going to do when she retires, she sadly replies, "I can't retire. I must work for as long as anyone will let me." Then they're both embarrassed -- she for "stringing [him] along," he for having "bullied and chivvied" her -- and the matter is closed with no bitterness on either side, as befits these two absolute pillars of rectitude.

Spoiler: There might still be a way the home purchase could work out.

Manage Your Time A Little Better

Hey, Mrs. Patmore? If you're excited about coming up to look at the upstairs parts of Downton Abbey during one of the rare times the whole family is away, maybe don't appear three seconds before the maids cover all the windows?

Everyone Is Going to Brancaster Castle!

The ongoing project of cementing the Granthams and the Sinderbys continues with the Crawleys descending on Northumberland just in time for Rose and Atticus to have returned from their honeymoon. Here's what you need to know.

Brancaster Castle FAQ

Q: What's the story with this castle?
A: Lord Sinderby rented it from a Lord Hexham so he could have everyone out for a shooting trip.

Q: Now, when you say "everyone"--
A: Oh, right. Not Rose's parents! Lord S is still disgusted by them due to the scandal of their divorce (and probably also disgusted by Susan in general, that rotten bitch), so they aren't invited.

Q: Has he at least warmed up to Rose at all since the wedding?
A: Nope!

Q: Is there servant drama here like at Downton?
A: Oh my, yes. The Sinderbys have brought Stowell, their own butler, with them to run the household. However, they've retained the entire rest of Lord Hexham's staff, and they aren't psyched about taking orders from a stranger.

Q: Oh, cool. And--
A: That's not all: Stowell also knows allllllll about Tom, is pre-disgusted by the idea of a former chauffeur having been admitted to the Crawley family, and has no plans to wait on or even acknowledge him.

Q: How are the Crawleys otherwise?
A: Well, Lord G keeps wincing and walking funny and won't tell Cora what his problem is.

Q: And Edith won't shut up about how much more she misses Marigold than Tom and Mary do their own children, right?
A: God, FOR REAL THOUGH.

Restorative Broth!

Every gentlewoman likes to take a break every now and then from the rich foods she's served at hours-long dinner parties and giving her "system" a rest with a nice restorative broth -- and every lady's maid worth the title knows quite well how to make one! Ask your lady's maid about Restorative Broth, particularly if she's in an ongoing power struggle with your butler and he has a lot riding on her failure!

Broth. Once you get a taste for it, you'll find you can't stop talking about it!

Tell Your Lawyer Everything

Anna's still in prison, spirits low, confidence in her case dwindling, less and less buoyed by the support of the Crawleys. So why not add to her burdens? Okay: the cops have found out about an incident in her youth, in which her stepfather used to molest her (or maybe more; it's not really clear). Anna told her mother, but she didn't want to believe it, since she couldn't risk losing his income if she were to confront him about it and he left. So one night when he started up with her, Anna threatened him with a knife, and when he wouldn't stop attacking her, she "struck him with the blade, but [she] only cut him." When the cops came then, Anna's mother persuaded Anna's stepfather to say it was an accident, and after that, she left home to go to work. But the incident must have been in her records somewhere, or else he found out she's in prison and came forward with the real story. This doesn't look super-great for Anna in terms of establishing a history of self-defense against rapists that definitely makes it look like Green's murder was part of a pattern of behaviour for her, but like, maybe if her lawyer had known he could have had a chance to come up with a strategy to frame it in a more positive light for her? And don't give me that "The working classes can't get a fair shake in the British justice system" when apparently half of Scotland Yard is working on tracking down a fucking valet's killer. Poor Murray must be getting real sick of your shit, Bateses.

The Princess And The C

Situation: After months of wrangling, The Dowager C has succeeded in having Princess Irina brought to England to reunite her with her husband, Prince Kuragin.

What makes it awkward? Princess Irina is a bitch, but she has specific beef with The Dowager C due to the emotional affair she had with Prince Kuragin back in the day. Furthermore, Prince Kuragin pretty obviously would have been much happier if she'd never been found and/or died so that there would be no impediment to his finally getting together with the woman he actually loves: our Dowager C. So when Princess Irina comes down to the dinner party The Dowager C has arranged to welcome her -- wearing the dress The Dowager C provided for her, since she has nothing -- it's extremely uncomfortable for everyone. When Isobel tries to make pleasant small talk, for instance, telling the princess, "I would so like to go to Russia -- I'm afraid I never have," Princess Irina sneers, "Then you've missed it." The Dowager C tries to change the subject to the princess's comfort, saying she gave her that dress because she didn't know if Princess Irina would have her luggage with her, the princess snaps, "I have no luggage. I have no possessions to put in my luggage." "Come, my dear," says Prince Kuragin. "Nothing is more tedious than other people's misfortunes." WE WERE ALL THINKING IT! He asks her to be grateful to The Dowager C, to which the princess snarls, "Last time we met, the circumstances were rather different." "I don't remember!" chirps The Dowager C. "I think you do," drawls the princess. OH SHIT YOU GUYS.

How is order restored? The Kuragins leave? Really, it's awkward the whole way through.

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served By An Unwitting Butler

Alert Type: Snob Comeuppance Alert.

Issue: Stowell is still being so rude to Tom that others have noticed, and Atticus has been forced to apologize for him (since Lord Sinderby won't), so Mary has let Baxter know that if Thomas has any ideas as to how to correct Stowell's attitude, he has free rein to pursue them.

Complicating Factors: Mary may not understand the full extent Thomas is willing to go to pull off an evil scheme.

Resolution: Thomas writes a sabotaging note to the cook, and at dinner the next night, Lord Sinderby gets a very plain, unseasoned dish and fucking LOSES IT. Stowell sputters that the dish was prepared according to Lord Sinderby's wishes, as relayed via his valet, but quickly realizes that he's been tricked. As Stowell unravels what must have happened, he makes the mistake of saying, "Obviously, Mrs. Brennan--" "WHAT," barks Lord Sinderby. "Do you dare to use the word 'obviously' when you contradict me? Now, take this away, fetch me some dinner, conduct yourself more professionally in the future" -- and then, addressing Thomas: "And bring that back, you stupid fool." So the plan works inasmuch as Stowell gets in trouble, and Lord Sinderby tells him to stop being so rude to Tom, but even Mary probably wasn't expecting or hoping that it would be this humiliating and public.

Spoiler: Calling Thomas "a stupid fool" in front of everyone is a bad idea.

Broth!

When your lady's asked for a break from rich food and you're still new enough to need to prove yourself: make her a broth!

Grandfather Knows Best

Who's causing a family crisis? Fucking Edith.

How? Trying to keep Marigold's true parentage a secret even though everything about her story is sketchy as hell.

Which relatives have a problem with it? She's pretty sure Lord G would, which is why she's ordered Cora not to tell him. (Mary wouldn't have a problem with it -- she'd just use it as another plank in her anti-Edith platform, which is why Edith doesn't want her to know either.)

Who's an unlikely ally? Well, wouldn't you know it: Lord G! Since he's finally confessed to Cora that the reason he went to see a doctor in York was that he was having weird pains in his side and stomach and that the doctor -- pending more tests -- thinks it might be angina, he's decided that it's unwise to leave things unsaid that might make the people he loves happy, so he goes to Edith's room and tells her he figured out that Edith and the late Michael are Marigold's biological parents. Edith:

After some logistical talk about who in the family knows -- basically, everyone except Mary and Tom, and Edith suspects that Tom may also have figured it out -- she asks Lord G's forgiveness. By way of answer, Lord G says that Michael was an honourable man, and that if he'd known, he'd have married her as soon as he could -- you know, if he hadn't gotten all murdered first. Even if this isn't how Lord G would have liked things to have happened, now they have to do what's best for Marigold, which means keeping it in the family: "Even in 1924, there are plenty of people who might be unpleasant." BUT DOES HE FORGIVE HER?! Lord G: "Oh, my darling. I'm sure I need your forgiveness quite as much as you need mine." Aw. A completely anachronistic response, probably, but anything else would make Lord G totally unsympathetic to a contemporary audience, so what are you going to do?

Spoiler: This new connection is not going to make Mary roll her eyes at Edith any less.

Damned Yankees

Atticus got a job in New York so he and Rose are moving right after Christmas. She's a lot less annoying than she used to be, and he seems fine. But they won't be missed.

Broth!

Can't make broth yourself? Ask a cook at a neighbouring home to teach you!

Ooooh, Larry

Alert Type: Shitty Kid Alert.

Issue: Lord Merton still wants to marry Isobel.

Complicating Factors: Isobel's still holding off due to how opposed his terrible sons are to it.

Resolution: Having confirmed that his sons' disapproval is their only impediment, Lord Merton asks if Isobel would relent if her sons were to drop their objections and welcome her, and she's like, sure?

Spoiler: That will not occur.

Broth!

Did you try making broth yourself only to discover that it sucks? Chop up some ingredients to leave around, staging a "food prep" scene, and then have your cook friend bring you hers in a bottle so you can just heat it up!

Shooting The Shit

What's the game? The original game: game! ...Shooting birds.

Who's playing? Among all the others we don't really spend time with are Henry Talbot, a friend-of-a-friend of Atticus's; and Bertie Pelham, the estate agent who's been invited even though his actual boss isn't there. Keeping them company are, respectively, Mary and Edith.

What's at stake? Mary's perversely happy to have been paired up with Henry because his mooching an invitation unbalanced the numbers and has meant that, as host, Atticus had to give up his place; she wants to make good use of her time by making this stranger feel guilty, and it works! However, when she hatched this plan, she hadn't taken into account that he would be a total fox who's also impressively good at shooting. Elsewhere, Edith is finding this not-particularly-ambitious agent pleasant company too.

Who wins? CUPID. And not the birds, that's for sure.

Broth!

Has your butler intercepted your secret stash of broth and poured it down the sink before you could pass it off as your own? That's why you can never have too big a stockpile!

Love Child! Never Meant To Show Up At This Castle!

Who's causing a family crisis? Lord Sinderby.

How? When he told off Thomas in front of the whole table at dinner the other night, he made a powerful enemy: Thomas has gone to Stowell, hung out with him while he drank, and listened while Stowell started spilling all the Sinderby secrets -- including the identity of Lord Sinderby's mistress and love child. So Thomas has written to said mistress, a Diana Clark, and invited her to the castle!

Which relatives have a problem with it? Probably everyone would if they figured out who she is, which is why it's a good thing Lord Sinderby has an unlikely ally....

Who's an unlikely ally? Rose, of all people, who sees the young woman in the doorway of the drawing room, Lord Sinderby blanching at the sight of her, and somehow puts the whole situation together like a goddamn detective. She hisses at Lord Sinderby that she can protect him if he quickly tells her the woman's name. He does, and Rose smoothly goes over to greet her "friend," who understands what's happening and plays along with Rose. Mary, intuiting that her having unleashed hell Thomas went too far, goes over to help Rose sell the cover story, as does a slightly less smooth Lord G, who seems to regret that he did when he belatedly groks the situation.

Spoiler: Finally, by covering up for his SECOND FUCKING FAMILY, Rose has earned Lord Sinderby's love. He's so pleased he's even going to invite her parents to come out. ...Yay?

Back Again For A Return Engagement: The Noblest Man In Britain

After Anna's revelation about her childhood sexual abuse, Bates has apparently decided that there's no point trying to go through the justice system with actual facts, and before fleeing into the night, he gives poor Molesley a couple of letters that, DUH, turn out to be his false confession, and instructions for Lord G as to how to get in touch with him securely. I feel like doing this makes Anna look even more guilty and can't really hurt her case, but clearly this isn't a man who thinks things through before choosing whichever option is going to make him the biggest martyr. Fucking Bates.

The Ends Justify The Means?

Thomas may not have issued a proportional response to Stowell's rudeness, but (a) Mary don't care, and (b) it gives her something to talk about with this hot new piece of ass.

Tom DID Figure Out Where Marigold Came From

Obviously, Tom is fine with it -- "Where I grew up, there were quite a few Marigolds" -- he just wants Edith to know he knows. Got it. God, if Mary ever DOES find out, and realizes she's literally the last to know -- last after THE DOWAGER C, for Christ's sake! -- she is going to be furious.

There's A PRETTY GOOD REASON Mary Shouldn't Be Into A Guy Who's Into Cars. I Am Not A Crackpot!

As Henry prepares to leave, Mary comes out to say a perfectly innocent, cordial, friendly, hot-pantsy farewell. She says she feels guilty for having made him feel guilty about the shooting, but he says he's taken on her criticism and will be less cavalier next time. She asks whether he's ever in Yorkshire (I don't know why, it seems like she's in London all the time), and he says he has an aunt there. Of the car he's packing up, Mary remarks, "Mr. Rogers clearly has hidden depths," and Henry smirks, "It's mine. But thanks for the compliment!" And this is how Mary reacts:

O RLY? She thinks this is a totally sexy hobby when HER HUSBAND WAS KILLED IN A CAR ACCIDENT?! Under the circumstances, I kind of feel like this reveal would be a cold shower for her girl parts, actually! I AM NOT A CRACKPOT!

Welcome Back, Stranger! Ha Ha! Heh. [Sigh.]

Situation: The cops have accepted Bates's clearly false confession, so, as is logical, they've released Anna.

What makes it awkward? Anna's not really happy about the circumstances under which she got out.

How is order restored? Only one way for order TO be restored, really.

Broth!

So you were forced to make your own broth even though you're terrible at it! If your lady tastes it, obviously hates it, but fakes like she doesn't to stick it to the butler who's been trying to stick it to you, then you know you've got a friend for life!

After the successful sale of the Della Francesca during the Brancaster Castle trip, Carson took note and asked Lord G to hire a new footman...and after a time jump from the Crawleys' return from Northumberland to Christmas, we see the new footman is our old friend Andy! Good thing for you there aren't any gambling halls in Ripon, buddy!

Molesley and Baxter come out of a pub, move on to another! Fun, a pub crawl!

And Carson tells Mrs. Hughes he bought that house he liked after all! They talk a bit about which Crawleys are going to America and when! Carson makes a face, and Mrs. Hughes says she knows Carson's uncomfortable with him, but that she's liked having Tom as a bridge between downstairs and upstairs! "I'm used to him, I'll say that," says Carson! That's about as ringing an endorsement as a man as buttoned-up as he can give! He'll be giving you a hug next! (Not really though!)

The Innocence Project

So after Bates left, Baxter and Molesley went into the cottage, found a photo of Bates, and since then have spent their days canvassing every pub in York trying to see if anyone remembers seeing Bates in there on the day of Green's death. Luckily for them, Bates and his limp are memorable -- even more so in the case of the publican who did remember Bates, because they were both Boer War veterans and chatted for a while. Everyone is astonished by this achievement as though WE DIDN'T ALL KNOW ALREADY THAT BATES'S CONFESSION WAS FALSE SO THIS JUST BRINGS US BACK TO SQUARE ONE IN TERMS OF ANNA, as Mary says. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," says Lord G. YEAH, WHY NOT, THAT'S THE KIND OF THINKING THAT'S GOTTEN US THIS FAR!

Goodbye, Old Flame

Shocking a nation, Lord Merton's attempt to bring his shitty sons around on the Isobel question has come to nothing. Well, not nothing: a nasty LETTER from Larry to Isobel that, unlike his speech at dinner, she can treasure and re-read whenever she's feeling too good about herself. Isobel has brought Lord Merton over to say, with regret, that she's not going to marry him, and that nothing will change her mind. "Well, that sounds more final than if you'd spat in my eye," he sputters. He tells her again that he loves her: he knows he's "old and played out," but he loves her with his whole heart. Isobel denies that he's "played out," but says she won't poison the years they have left by setting herself against his children. I mean, I feel like everyone who knows Lord Merton's sons -- particularly those who were at that awful dinner -- wouldn't blame her for being the wedge that finally divided Lord Merton from this pair of shitheads for good, but no one asked me. The Dowager C enters at this unfortunate moment and jokingly apologizes for interrupting "a lovers' tryst," to which Lord Merton snaps, "Thank you for injecting humour into this moment of misery." He's obviously very disappointed, but tries (sort of) to be gracious as he makes his exit. I don't know, I feel like this isn't over. He really does love her, you guys! Maybe there's still a chance both the Grey boys can get kicked into the sea.

Goodbye, Old...Fellow Single Parents

All three of Downton's young parents run into each other in the nursery, hanging the kids' stockings on Christmas Eve. Tom asks that they take a moment to think of Sybil, as the three people on earth who loved her most and should have grown old with her, and as they take one another's hands -- Mary even takes Edith's! -- it's actually kind of moving in the midst of all the schlock. Mary addresses her directly: "Darling Sybil, wherever you are, we send you all our love and kisses for the happiest of happy Christmases" The nice moment is cut short by Lord G -- enjoying a tipple for the first time since his ulcer diagnosis, however many months ago that was -- getting way more maudlin than any of the kids about how it's Sybbie's last Christmas in the house she was born in. He actually tries one last time to convince Tom to leave HIS CHILD in England, but Tom nicely replies, "But I love the way you love her." I wish everyone who gives Tom shit for being a chauffeur could see him in these moments when he shows more grace than all the toffs combined.

God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen, Gentleladies, And Commoners

What's the occasion? Christmas!

What are the refreshments? Punch (which the servants, even though they're being treated as guests, shouldn't let Carson catch them drinking); mince pies; salty tears over Tom's last Christmas at Downton. (It's also Rose's, not that anyone particularly seems to care, though I guess she was only Cousin Olivered in later.)

Whose embarrassing public scene will everyone be talking about tomorrow? Definitely how Lord G -- with his tolerance low from months of teetotaling -- got so wasted that Tom had to step in and stop him from making a speech that would surely go entirely off the rails and cause him to lose face in front of all the servants and farmers who are supposed to revere him as a god on earth.

Our favourite old buddies/biddies sneak away to a quiet, empty parlor to reflect on the year that was! Isobel says she wishes The Dowager C would, at last, tell her why she worked so hard to rescue Princess Irina when the two clearly were not...uh...fans of one another! The Dowager C must figure there's no point holding back anymore now that the Kuragins are gone to Paris and, I guess, will never come back, so she spills! She and Prince Kuragin were serious enough about eloping that they were, like, in a carriage on their way to the port they were going to sail away from! But The Dowager C's maid narced on her to the princess, who followed them, caught up to the carriage and yanked The Dowager C out: "By my arm, by my hair, by my leg -- anything to get me out of the carriage." The princess sent the then-Lady Grantham back to her husband! "You must have looked rather disheveled!" Isobel remarks. "Men notice nothing," The Dowager C replies. Princess Irina saved The Dowager C from "ruin and a life in the shadows tk," and The Dowager C was grateful for her rescue! "She saved me. And I saved her." And The Dowager C never strayed again? asks Isobel. The Dowager C: "I've never risked everything again." "That's not quite what I asked," says Isobel. "That's all you'll get," says The Dowager C imperiously. "Remember: we were the Edwardians."

OH HEY DRUNKY! MAYBE HAVE A GLASS OF WATER?

Old Loves

We interrupt this "Wrap It Up" for an actual plot development! In her parlor, Mrs. Hughes gives Carson a glass of punch, and though he refuses -- upright to the end -- she insists that they have to toast his new house. With great import, Carson says that though she referred to it as "[his] new house," it isn't only his: it's registered in both their names: "I hope you don't mind, but I hate to change a plan when there's no need." Mrs. Hughes is touched and grateful, but says she can't accept: "Who knows what the future may hold, or how much longer we'll even be here? Suppose you want to move away and change your life entirely -- you don't want to be stuck with me!" "But that's the point," he tells her. "What is?" "I do want to be stuck with you." Mrs. Hughes isn't sure she can be hearing Carson right, so he clarifies: "You are if you think I am asking you to marry me." Mrs. Hughes:

"You're not offended?" he checks. "Mr. Carson, I can assure you, the very last thing in the world that I am at this moment is offended." Now they definitely have to celebrate, she says. "What exactly are we celebrating?" he asks, with adorably touching tentativeness. She jokes that they're celebrating the fact that she can still get a proposal at her age. "And that's it?" he presses anxiously. "Of course I'll marry you, you old booby!" she breathes. "I thought you'd never ask!"

Aw, you guys! I didn't know this was coming at all, and in the middle of all the other bombast, it's actually the sweetest, most moving moment of the episode. These two have had such a journey! I think we all were shipping them way more than we ever were Isobel or The Dowager C and their suitors-come-lately. Way to seize the day, Carson. Who knew you had it in you!

And then Lord G, a little less visibly wasted than when Tom had to cut him off earlier, tells Tom they'll all miss him very much. Tom says it's not like Lord G to get sentimental, but Lord G says he's grown very fond of Tom, adding, "Always remember you have a home to come back to."

What should Marigold call Lord G? he asks Sybbie. "Donk," says Sybbie confidently. "Why not, everyone else does!"

Finally, Lord G sneaks in a speech about how great Tom is, how well he safeguarded Downton's future, and how much they all wish Tom and Sybbie well in their new life!

Even The Dowager C looks heartbroken!

Mary and Edith tearfully lead the guests in "O Come, All Ye Faithful"!

"But you didn't sound drunk at all! How did you do that?" "Concentration!"

And then Bates is back!

Like a creep! Anna asks how he's managed to come back, but he doesn't want to talk logistics (or logic)!

"We'll worry about everything else later, but for now, let's just have a very happy Christmas!" Yes, what could be more festive than CHRISTMAS IN MARCH?! Thanks, PBS! And let's not forget what got us here!