Battle Of The Crappy Brothers

Whose backstory is less of an excuse for his shitty behaviour/attitude?

After a life as the coolest bro in all of Minneapolis, Brandon's father takes a job in Beverly Hills, forcing Brandon to start over as a dingus with a Napoleon complex in a succession of comically enormous wristwatches. And sometimes he doesn't get to do stuff because his parents are slightly less rich (and generally less indulgent) than his friends'.

When Christopher is a young teenager, his father dies, he learns that his parents had been biologically related, and he is moved back to the palatial home of his very wealthy but disapproving grandparents and imprisoned in a secret attic room for years. While there, his mother tries to poison him and his three siblings with arsenic-coated donuts, and succeeds in killing his brother, whose corpse he later learns had just been left in a trunk in the attic.

Winner: Brandon.

Who is more obnoxious about getting extremely invested in his sister's relationships with dudes?

Brandon brays "SHE'S A VIRGIN" at a guy Brenda has, at that point, gone out with like twice; regularly narcs on her activities to their parents; and, after she tells him about her elopement in confidence, convinces all their friends to follow her to Las Vegas and fuck up her wedding.

Christopher refuses to acknowledge his sister Cathy's need to form relationships with men other than himself and punches Cathy's live-in boyfriend Julian...though to be fair, Julian had formerly hit Cathy and is in the process of feeling up their teenaged sister Carrie at the time.

Winner: Brandon.

Who is less respectable in other aspects of his life?

At the point in the series just before his sister leaves his life literally forever, Brandon is an ascendant student politician who's just shaken hands with the president, and who also pretty much manages a locally beloved diner.

Christopher becomes a doctor, a beautiful way to honour Dr. Sheffield, the kindly man who had taken in Christopher and his sisters, raised them until his death, and provided for them in his absence. But then he screws over his fiancée, the daughter of his mentor, and has to move out of state and start a whole new life in another career FOR SOME REASON.

Winner: Christopher.

Who, completely aside from his relationship with his sister, is an actual criminal?

Brandon is just a cultural criminal, whereas Christopher is an accessory to arson who lets his paraplegic stroke-victim grandmother burn to death in her bed.

Winner: Christopher.

Who fucks his sister?

Yeah, okay, this is kind of the most damning question, right? Christopher doesn't just have sex with Cathy (who, to be fair, only ever puts him off for three or four seconds at a time before agreeing with him that they should fuck and then fucking him): he creep-stalks her when she shows any interest in other guys and puts the moves on her way harder than he does his actual fiancée.

Winner: Christopher.

Verdict

The character of Brandon Walsh certainly hasn't aged well over the past twenty-two years, and Brenda would probably be among the first to say she's not in a giant hurry to hang out with him. But for all his faults -- and they are myriad -- Brandon didn't carry on a multi-year sexual relationship with his biological sister and get caught frenching her by his fiancée (who up to that point probably thought his total lack of sexual interest in her was due to the fact that he's gay), requiring him to leave his community in abject disgrace and move across the country to escape the scandal. Though all that could still happen in another Beverly Hills, 90210 reboot, for now, the winner/loser is clear.

"Winner": Christopher.