The Likely Concerns Of A Thirty-Four-Year-Old New York City Police Commissioner
- new bespoke Earnest Sewn jeans won't be ready in time to visit the site of an Occupy Wall Street protest
- all the donuts at 1PP are from Dunkin, and it's too far to send someone to get some from Dough
- getting a bad rep over racially profiled stop-and-frisks even though he "totally" has "a couple of black friends"
- hearing that it's an "abuse of power" to shut down the subways when he's seeing a movie at the Angelika
- how to get more followers on Instagram even though most photos are of meetings
- older cops never get his Sex And The City Miranda rights bon mots
- girls recognize his picture and develop prejudices when they see his photo on OKCupid
- has to go to the funeral of an officer killed in the line of duty, but can't get dress uniform pants tapered
- can't end co-op board meetings by discharging his service revolver into the ceiling -- not again
- McClure's pickles are very expensive but pickles that cost less than ten dollars a jar taste horrible
- feeling guilty after reporting friends' illegal backyard chicken coops
- Mayor vetoes his plan to grow a beard
- rice doesn't fix an iPhone 5 if you drop it in a puddle of blood
- city rejected his awesome new logo:
