Battle Of The Hannibals

It's a big weekend for Hannibals on TV! While one seems to be inching ever closer to the exposure of his terrible secret, the other just wrapped his first season of Broad City and is also débuting a new hour-long special on Comedy Central! And while it may seem ridiculous to do a side by side comparison of an icy cannibal/shrink and a goofy standup comedian...I mean, they do have the same first name. So let's do this.

Who dresses better?

There is probably a segment of the reading audience for this post who will favour Buress's style of dress -- stretchy shirt, jeans -- in their day-to-day life; I married one. In fact, the way Buress dresses for his special (which premieres at midnight ET on Saturday night, so technically Sunday, March 30), which is to say, putting a jacket over his sweater and wearing dress shoes with his jeans, is probably more or less what my spouse will wear to the next funeral he has to attend. But Hannibal Lecter not only always looks perfectly turned out, in his beautifully tailored suits (made of interestingly natty prints) and fitted dress shirts; but the wide tie knots he favours, and his bold pattern mixing between suit and tie, are hallmarks of his unique personal style, not just three or four items bought off the shelf at Banana Republic.

Winner: Lecter.

Who's funnier?

Buress has held his own as a recurring performer (and staff writer) on 30 Rock, and opposite the nimble weirdos of Broad City; his standup special is loaded with lines like "Rats are dudes. No matter what. Unless it's giving birth" and "Much like New Orleans, all I do is drink, gamble, and throw parades for myself." Lecter certainly has a bone-dry wit (get it), but a lot of his jokes are just winky puns about how the food he's serving and/or secretly is people. "I can't quite place the fish." "He was a flounder." WAH-WAH. You know, they're dad jokes! If your dad is a cannibal.

Winner: Buress.

Who is living the more elegant life?

Given the care with which Lecter designed his home, plates his dinners, and (as previously mentioned) dresses, it would seem obvious that he is living the more elegant life than the guy who will spend an hour tomorrow night talking about getting spectacularly drunk or high and describing the filthiest, most rat-infested room he'd ever been in. But Buress, as far as I know, hasn't had to invest in full-body "murder-alls" to keep his clothes free of stains from the blood or other viscera that result from a particularly inelegant hobby...but then again, maybe that's just because Buress doesn't own anything that, if he got it all murdered up, he wouldn't just throw in the garbage and/or out a window.

Winner: Lecter.

Who would make the better match for Ilana?

If Broad City's Ilana were answering this question for herself, she might spew a bunch of nonsense about how dating Hannibal Lecter would just be proof of her open-mindedness and her policy of living life on the edge (see also: ignoring her seafood allergy to plow through hella shellfish). But we all know the truth. And yes, I know that Lincoln isn't technically Hannibal Buress, but he's a lot closer than Hannibal Lecter is.

Winner: Buress.

Who's contributed more to society?

This one is a little hard to answer, because even though we've never seen him do good, really, Lecter is a doctor, so he's probably helped some people to feel better, whether in his capacity as a surgeon or a psychiatrist...right? He's probably cured someone, maybe just by accident? And furthermore, since Lecter tends primarily to kill people who are gauche or rude or murderers themselves, one could argue that, on balance, he's contributing to society by removing some of its worse members from it. But Buress uttered this deathless 30 Rock line, in response to a child asking what an empty newspaper box is: "It's a toilet! Or a woman! It's whatever you need it to be!" Even if his standup special wasn't great (viz "I'm not going to let racism keep me from experiencing Cabo"), we'd all owe him a debt.

Winner: Buress.

The Victor

Let's put it this way: I'd love to spend a day furniture-shopping, having a gossipy lunch (IN A RESTAURANT WITH AN OPEN KITCHEN), and maybe trying on overcoats with Hannibal Lecter...but I'd need to stay in public areas the whole time and part before dark, and then meet up with Hannibal Buress for tacos and XBox and resist the urge to write down every single thing he said.

Winner: Buress!