Humans Faces UnREAL In The Battle Of The Toms Brittney

Which makes a better first impression?

Given how last week's episode of Humans found Niska reinventing herself as a female avenger, drawing a hard line against a would-be pedophile (the hardest, in fact, in that she kills him), one assumes this week's episode is going to involve her resuming her duties, starting with Brittney's City dork, Greg, who chats her up in a bar when she's just trying to have a drink and read a book. "Sorry, uh, just a warning," he says, getting her attention by helping himself to the back of her arm. "A girl like you sitting around in this pub -- you're going to get bothered. By blokes." Niska gives him the briefest of appraising looks before responding flirtatiously: "Oh dear. What should I do?" "Well, run a mile, obviously," advises Greg. He winks and starts to move off, before remembering something and turning back: "Unless they're wearing a gray suit. Talk to them, they're the good guys." Looking down in astonishment, he marvels, "Oh my god, that's so weird!" It's a pretty lame rap, and certainly wouldn't work on any woman or womanlike personage who wasn't playing along with it just long enough to get him alone and murder him.

UnREAL's Roger, best mate to suitor Adam, starts off much better by comparison, perhaps because he's not expected to come up with his own dialogue. Standing confidently on his mark as directed, Roger behaves as though he takes very seriously the task of choosing which of the women vying for Adam's hand will get to spend special time with both gentlemen: "From looking around, I can see that Adam is one lucky man....I know what he likes in a woman, and what he needs." When, moments later, he strips down to his Speedo for a pool party and the whiteness of his legs blinds everyone around him, it seems only to burnish (as it were) his credentials as proper English gentleman -- you know, like his friend Adam, who's on this show because he needs to make his own money after being disowned by his wealthy family for being caught with prostitutes.

Winner: UnREAL Tom Brittney.

Which is less smarmy?

Given Greg's well-rehearsed pub pickup line, you'd think this would be close, but once he's alone with Niska, he's actually warm and sincere: he asks about her job and life and...uh, name, and seems hurt when she doesn't want to talk about any of them. By the time we get to the pivotal reveal that the evidence Niska's spotted that a woman might live with him can all be traced back to his daughter, we're all swiping right.

I mean, look at this lovestruck goon. Adorable.

Over on UnREAL, Roger's humble attitude upon his introduction quickly gives way to predatory behaviour: encouraging the ladies he's chosen for his group date with Adam to get real drunk; getting handsy in the hot tub; calling them whores behind their backs; and...worse. Much worse.

Winner: Humans Tom Brittney.

Which places more importance on cleanliness?

In the day we spend with Roger, we see him enjoying a hot tub, and a pool, and taking a shower -- the latter two fully nude, the better to expose his entire epidermis to the cleansing properties of water. But every bit of Greg's flat that we see points up what an indifferent housekeeper he is, from the food prep detritus on his kitchen counter (you want ants, Greg? 'Cause that's how you get ants) to his unmade bed to the hairy elastics in his bathroom to his daughter's toys scattered around the parlor. Get it together, Greg. Or at least get a housekeeper in every once in a while.

Winner: UnREAL Tom Brittney.

Which has a less damaging hidden agenda?

Roger arrives at the Everlasting manse with two missions: to seduce as many of Adam's runoff ladies as he possibly can (with no concern about the cameras: after all, who even watches American TV?), and to deliver Adam's father's message that Adam will be welcomed back into the family fold if he gives up Everlasting and returns to England for an apology tour. Given what Adam does in the very next episode to try to secure his future, Adam's father's suggestion via Roger doesn't seem so bad? Roger's still horrible, though.

Greg probably never imagined, when he approached Niska in the pub, that she'd be so receptive to his overtures, and nothing about his manner when they get back to his place suggests that he even considers having sex with her to be a sure thing: he seems like he just wanted to talk to a cute lady for a while, and if things progressed, that would be nice -- an agenda that's hardly damaging or hidden.

Winner: Humans Tom Brittney.

Which is not a rapist?

Based on the evidence: Greg. Greg is not a rapist. Fucking Roger, the dirty scumbag prick, probably doesn't consider himself a rapist, but we know better.

Winner: Humans Tom Brittney.

Verdict

I know we've only been acquainted with Niska for three episodes now, but I really feel there's no more unimpeachable proof that a guy is decent than that she decides against murdering him, so: well done, Greg. And hey, if Roger's back in London after his visit to Everlasting, maybe someone can slip Niska his address and let her do what comes naturally.

Winner: Humans Tom Brittney.