As Jane The Virgin Opens The Door To Romance, Where Do Everyone's Relationships Stand?

Having last week reached the milestone of being able to tell the story of Michael's death without crying, Jane's got a whole new attitude in "Chapter Fifty-Nine" -- and a whole new dress -- and the men of Miami are taking notice!

But does the re-ignition of Jane's flirt burner automatically mean she's having the most fun, sexy time of all the show's characters? (Spoiler: no.) Let's count down all the episode's romantic pairings, from "blah" to "BLAM!"

1. Jane & Alex
   The first person Jane runs into after donning her special sundress is Alex, who compliments her when she drops Mateo off at school.
   

   After her initial shiver of excitement at Alex's attention, Jane spends the next several scenes worrying about him flirting with her when he's supposed to be paying attention to Mateo, and shuts it down, forcing Alex to tell her, politely but firmly, "For the record, I am not into you at all."

   

   Oh, and this happens right in front of Rafael, whose teasing leads the viewer into some other angles on the men Jane thought were eyeing her down earlier.

   

   Embarrassing for sure, but at least it happened with someone who's had some training in psychology and knows enough not to bring up this humiliation with her later.

2. Jane & Dennis
   Jane tells the tale of this setback at her next boxing lesson with Dennis, Michael's old partner. When she finds out that he's broken up with his fiancée Lindsay, she wonders whether he might be giving her signals, and under Rafael's direction, she sends Dennis an open-ended text...
   

   ...which he answers just as she'd hoped! Their mini-golf date is comfortable and even seems to be heading for a kiss, which is when Jane fakes a bathroom emergency and calls Rafael from the stall to panic that she might not actually be ready to date after all but just wanted to get it over with. Rafael advises her to take her concerns to Dennis, who turns out to share them.

   

   But hey, going out with Jane confirmed for him that he wants to get back together with his ex! So that's great...for them.

   

   Maybe next week, Rogelio's sexy new co-star will be great...for her.

3. Rafael & Petra
   After hooking up (three times), Petra and Rafael both agree that they sought each other's comfort because they were both depressed, but that it doesn't mean anything, won't happen again, and definitely isn't anything Jane needs to know about, which is why it's too bad Mateo left his raincoat there when he wants to bring it to show and tell!
   

   Other than secondhand embarrassment at having wandered into the situation, Jane doesn't seem bothered by what Rafael and Petra get up to when she's not around, though Rafael seems concerned that Petra is developing feelings for him again, particularly when he takes Jane out to the "meat market" bar at The Fairwick and Petra drapes herself all over Rafael so that single guys will be able to tell that Jane is the odd one out at the table. Once Jane gets picked off, Rafael worries that Petra hasn't dropped the act -- but it turns out it's all for the benefit of the nearby Chuck, whereupon Rafael brings out some of his old moves.

   

   They're good moves Brent. I still assume -- as we probably all do -- that Jane and Rafael are endgame, but if Petra and Rafael make a more serious go of a reunion, I won't be mad. Yael Grobglas and Justin Baldoni have serious chemistry.

4. Petra & Chuck
   It's such great chemistry that the show Petra puts on for Chuck is too convincing.
   

   But at least he's not so mad about her moving Scott's remains onto his property that he's ready to close off any possibility of getting back together. Petra decides that it might just take a grand gesture to impress him and prove she's not ashamed to be seen with him.

   

   And it works!

   

   Being willing to make out with that busted grill is a grander gesture anyway. Things may yet fall apart for these two as the investigation into Scott's death continues -- this week, Dennis and Dana trick Petra into contacting Anezka after Petra had told them she hasn't talked to Anezka in years; flushing out Anezka could have any number of unforeseeable consequences -- but they're pretty hot for now.

5. Jorge & Alba
   Alba is still infatuated with Jorge, though concerned that since he declared his intention to ask her out, he hasn't actually made a plan. It turns out he's just paralyzed because he wants it to be perfect, which is how he ends up taking her mini-golfing: he overheard her on the phone rhapsodizing about Dennis and Jane's plans to do it, not knowing Alba was under her own love spell and would have gushed about it if Dennis had suggested taking Jane on a romantic night to a fish cannery. Spotting Jane on her first date as a widow, Alba desperately pulls Jorge away before Jane can see them, not wanting Jane to think she has a chaperone.
   

   And what could be more conducive to smooches than a mini-golf cave feature? Alba and Jorge don't just french -- they also get the thrill of being caught, which helps make for a memorable night.

   

   Jorge and Alba sleep together -- JUST SLEEP. Or so she says.

6. Rogelio & Xiomara
   Rogelio's still in the middle of his trial and leaning heavily on Bruce's advice on everything -- even his wardrobe for trial. However, as he tells Xo, he's not hearing much back. Why would Rogelio complain to Xo about how zealously he's being represented by her ex? Because Rogelio doesn't know Bruce and Xo broke up; Xo wanted to keep it a secret until after the trial. But when all three show up for a meeting with a judge, Bruce realizes he can't take it and quits. Rogelio begs Xo to get Bruce back, which is when Xo has no choice but to tell Rogelio that she left Bruce because she's in love with Rogelio. He melts, because he loves her too.
   

   FINALLY! I melted too. It's all bad for the case -- without legal advice (and with hot pants), Rogelio settles for the equivalent of his whole first year's salary on his next show.

   

   FINALLY. Look, I want Jane to find love again; we all do. But ever since Xo and Rogelio broke up, I haven't cared about anything else as much as I have hoped for them to get back together, so the rest of this season's episodes are going to have to be pretty spectacular for me to think they're anywhere near as good as this one. Besides which, I think we can agree that if all legal matters ended in sex with Xiomara, this country would be in much better shape.