Jane The Virgin Remakes Mad Men As A Telenovela: What Would Its Future Episodes Be Like?

So much good stuff happens in the Thanksgiving episode of Jane The Virgin that for most of it I was in a serious quandary about what to praise first. Would it be the bare minimum of Sin Rostro nonsense (and the total absence of Luisa)? The ongoing successful evolution of Petra into a decent human being -- including a very nice scene in which she shares with Jane her concerns about being a good mother when she had no role model herself? Gina Rodriguez being the only actor currently playing a writer on TV who actually looks like she knows how to type, DOMINIC WEST ON THE AFFAIR? The very thoughtful and humane treatment of Jane through a storyline about Mateo's plagiocephaly (which she blames on herself, since she's been doing so much writing in her grad school program that she's left him on his back rather than getting down on the floor with him for tummy time) and her ultimately forgiving herself both for that and for deciding, after Mateo's own self-weaning and a bout of mastitis, to give herself a break and quit breastfeeding? I probably could have picked up and followed any of those threads (and the last one, I feel, was handled particularly well in the era of sanctimommies, as Jane cools it with the self-recrimination and tells Petra -- and herself, in a way -- that she's learning motherhood as she goes along and that Mateo's with her every step of the way). But then The Passions Of Santos wrapped, and Rogelio had to set up his next project, and for me, it's at that point that everything else just falls away.

Alas, Hombres Locos is plagued with problems; first, the network shuts it down for its flagrant neglect of its schedule. When Rogelio secures private financing and revives it, to his own confusion, as a comedy, he hears from his lawyer that someone named "Matthew Weiner" has ordered the production to cease and desist. (Who's surprised that even a fictional version of that guy wouldn't be cool about it?) But just because Rogelio's being enjoined from continuing with his great work, that doesn't mean we should deny ourselves the pleasure of imagining telenovela versions of the episodes we know so well, if Hombres Locos had turned out to be Rogelio's next big hit.

S01.E01: Smoke Gets In Your Ojos Don Juan Draper rebuffs romantic overtures from his new secretary, Paola, who responds by taking office manager Juana hostage, threatening to push her off and jump after her. While ad agency co-founder Roberto Esterlino handles the situation, Don Juan goes home, shoots his wife Beatriz, and sets off in search of his one true love.

S01.E03: Matrimonio De Figaro Beatriz having survived her shooting thanks to an experimental resurrection drug, she and Don Juan throw a birthday party for their daughter Samantha. Don Juan gets too drunk while assembling Samantha's gift, spilling tequila all over himself and, when he passes out next to his ashtray, setting himself on fire. Beatriz smothers the blaze with a blanket but only after Don Juan agrees to sign over all the marital assets to her. Later, new neighbour Helena Obispo attends the party with her son, Gonzalo; Don Juan gets a bad feeling about him and sneaks out of the party with him, driving him to the edge of town and throwing him into a quarry.

S01.E10: Fin De Semana Largo Roberto picks up a pair of twin chicas, but his plan to deflower them both in his office must be put on hold when he suddenly becomes possessed by an evil spirit. Shocked by this turn of events, Don Juan visits his client Raquel, who tries to take his mind off things by seducing him. Vulnerable after their lovemaking, he tells her the story of how his hated father died in a magical glen, impaled on a unicorn's horn.

S01.E13: La Rueda Don Juan is overcome with nostalgia while presenting his concept for an ad campaign for La Rueda, a round, crownlike device that transmits happy memories directly into the wearer's brain. Paola is tasked with choosing a model for her campaign from the harem of girls Robert Esterlino keeps chained up in his basement sex dungeon.

S02.E02: Flight Uno Ambitious account executive Pedro Sopa tries to handle the news that his father was killed when a UFO collided with his plane. Tensions mount between the partners, who want to keep their business relationships intact, and the four Venusians who are living in New York disguised as humans and also serve on the Esterlino Cobre Board of Directors.

S02.E11: The Chorro Set Don Juan visits Los Angeles in a boring episode no one likes.

S03.E06: Caballero Walks Into An Ad Agency A Cinco de Mayo party at the Esterlino Cobre office turns sour when a rabid javelina rides up in the elevator and bursts into the office, tearing the leg off one carousing guest and turns three others into were-javelinas.

S04.E07: La Maleta Alone in the office after hours, Don Juan and Paola hash out some of the issues that have arisen during the many years they've been working together, but keep getting interrupted while sharing their feelings by wave upon wave of ninjas in the employ of rival ad agency McLata Erickson.

S07.E14: Persona à Persona In the middle of an existential crisis, Don Juan finds himself at a bullfighting retreat, and in an epiphany comes up with the perfect ad concept for the Jarritos soda account.