The Carnal Gift Of Rogelio

Jane Villanueva has, largely due to the decisions of others, missed out on some experiences that other young women her age might take for granted. Because of the way she's watched her mother suffer in the pursuit of her artistic dreams, she's settled on a career as a teacher rather than a writer, as she'd really love to do. Because of her grandmother's religious beliefs, she hasn't had sex. And because of her mother's bravery in facing the consequences of her actions alone, she's never known her father. Which is a shame, because her father is THE GREATEST.

Though Jane has, so far, stayed on the right side of simp, she is still a very earnest character: most of last week's episode revolved around her seemingly compulsive candor, which was also a plot point in Episode 4. (Come on, Jane. Lying to a priest should be easy for a lifelong Catholic -- hello, it's called Confession?) Even her seeming party girl of a mother has been revealed to be a secret angel. It's easy to know which characters to root for because they're selfless sweethearts, as opposed to sneaky jerks like Petra, her mother, and that incompetent, cheating drunk Luisa. It might get kind of dull, which is why it's great for us all that Rogelio's also in the mix.

Like all actors, Rogelio is self-involved and ridiculous. But because he's a telenovela actor, he evinces all these qualities on 11. This also allows him to be the only character on the show who can cheerfully accept the outlandish situations he keeps finding himself in: amped-up drama is merely the water he swims in! And because Rogelio is so unapologetically conceited, every one of his joke lines lands like -- no pun intended -- a motherfucker.

Why is it important to him that Jane know he's her father? "I want her to have the pleasure of knowing me."

Why didn't he get Xiomara's text to stay away from the house? "I have too many phones. If it's important, the best way to reach me is through Twitter."

Why shouldn't Xiomara abandon her dream of becoming a professional singer? "I became an international star just a few years ago. Imagine what a disservice it would have been to the world if I had given up?"

What's the most important question for him to ask just before, he thinks, he's about to meet his daughter for the first time? "How's my hair?"

The only thing better than Rogelio's self-aggrandizing dialogue is Rogelio's body Spanglish, whether he's being an accidental creep while innocently stalking Jane at work...

..."happening by" when Jane's trying on wedding gowns...

...or abandoning a co-star when he fears assault by rogue leopard.

In the latest episode, Xiomara meets Rogelio's ex-wife and assumes that, since she was in his trailer in lingerie, they're probably still sleeping together. Rogelio replies in the only way possible: "You cannot expect to be the only woman to whom I give the carnal gift of Rogelio." Indeed not, for EVERY WEEK HE GIVES THIS GIFT TO US ALL.