Daryl, His Brother Danny, And His Other Cousin Dewey...Are Insane

Whitey Bulge

Alert Type: Protective Custody Alert.

Issue: Now that Ava's going to be in the state penitentiary for the foreseeable future, she's going to need a new protective detail.

Complicating Factors: The only person Boyd knows who might be able to help is his old Aryan Brotherhood friend Gunnar, whose sister Gretchen is in the same prison with Ava. And Gunnar's heard that Boyd is not quite as ethnically pure as he used to be.

Resolution: Boyd gives Gunnar a big wad of cash to put in the commissary for Gretchen.

Spoiler: Though Gunnar seems to be able to put aside his doubts about Boyd's racist credentials, Gretchen may not be so liberal.

Family And Crazypants Services

Who called the meeting? Allison.

What's it about? She's conducting an official home visit at the Crowes' new house to check on Kendal.

How'd it go? It's pretty bad. Kendal seems fine — the house is quite nice, and Wendy even has a rental agreement to show her — but then Wendy has to make it weird by asking her needling questions about Raylan. Things only get worse when Allison has to get to her car by edging past Danny, who's threateningly playing tug with Chelsea in the driveway. Clearly rattled by crazy Chelsea and the even crazier Danny, Allison blazes a doobie in her car to settle her nerves, so she may not have all her faculties about her when a truck follows too close and finally jams her off the road. Guess who's driving? Danny, who openly shows his face as he crows (PUN INTENDED) in victory over her. I'm starting to think that kid's not quite right.

The First Rule Of Fight Club Etc.

Pick One Cover Story

Look, Danny, we all understand that you shot a bowling ball-sized hole through Jean-Baptiste because he slighted your manhood in the moment and, like many psychopaths, you have no impulse control. But you had to have known in the moments immediately following the murder that your brother might have some questions about where Jean-Baptiste has gone all of a sudden. Maybe next time you kill someone that someone close to you might miss, you should settle on just one lie about what happened to that person so that you have it in the chamber when the question comes up. Maybe he shacked up with some hookers? Maybe some Kentucky hillbillies lynched him? Maybe he went back to Florida like he said he might after talking a bunch of shit about Daryl? Gee, Danny, MAYBE HE WENT TO SATURN. Idiot.

Boyd's English Homework: B-

Legitimate Businessmen's Club

Who called the meeting? Boyd.

What's it about? Drugs — specifically, hooking up with a Mr. Yeun and a Mr. Ruiz, potential new suppliers.

How'd it go? Kind of awkward. It starts with some racial stuff regarding Yeun and Ruiz, and any time a conversation finds someone volunteering "I dislike beheadings," it's kind of hard to focus on anything else? But in the sense that Boyd tries to make the deal without putting any money down and Yeun agrees, it's a success overall. A success built on barely veiled threats, but still.

Don't Kidnap A Thug From A Rival Gang When You Just Finished Messing With A Marshal's Girlfriend

Here's a recipe for disaster: Dewey believes that if he can just get Daryl the money Daryl thinks Boyd owes Dewey for cheating him on Audrey's, Daryl will leave Kentucky; and Danny is present for this theory to be floated and eager to commit more mayhem because he's a psychopath. So when they storm into Boyd's loaded for bear and find only Carl present (and unwilling to tell them where Boyd is), they decide on the fly to take him hostage. Brilliant! Like, I'm not sure Boyd would pay a ransom for Carl if he wasn't having cash flow problems right now, which he is. Even more brilliantly, they bring Carl back to their house, requiring Wendy to get all squirrelly covering for them to Raylan, who's brought Rachel with him on this mission to kick the shit out of Danny for having menaced Allison. Sure, Raylan doesn't enter the dwelling at first. But when has Raylan ever given up on anything? For God's sake, Dewey, you should know that better than anyone!

Meet Cute

Situation: Ava's taking her first stroll around the yard in prison.

What makes it awkward? A group of her fellow inmates (who are African-American, the relevance of which will become clear shortly) want to make "friends." Crotch friends.

Who's feeling awkward about it? Ava, because she's flattered but spoken for; me, when Patrice, the spokeswoman for the group remarks, "I say we all the same colour where it matters."

How is order restored? Gretchen, sister to the aforementioned Gunnar, chases off Ava's admirers...before getting physical in a much less affectionate way.

Specifically, Gretchen attacks Ava for being engaged to a "race traitor." Then a box cutter comes out, and Ava gets...

...a very amateurish haircut!

And Then Out Of Christian Goodness / When He Learned About Your Plight...

Given how nervous Wendy was at the house, Raylan either legitimately suspects that the Crowes are squatting there having chained up its owner, a guy Raylan knows, in the basement. So he follows Daryl to the basement of the owner's hardware store to see what's actually up.

Call To The Wild

Only when Boyd needs Carl to help make up the pitiful army he wants to storm Gunnar's place in retribution for Ava's attack — Gunnar's holed up with a bunch of "Hitler humpers" — does Boyd start getting concerned that Carl's been gone forever and isn't answering his phone. But when Jimmy tries him again and Dewey picks up, the call is spotty as hell because Dewey and Danny have brought Carl up to the cabin that Mike rented Wendy as part of the deal and they're too far from any cell towers and all of Dewey's threatening trash talk gets garbled to hell. ("I think he said something about shoes?" - Jimmy.) Poor Dewey can't even use a phone right. Dewey, for real: please give up on crime and go get a job at a Chevron station or something.

Meet Cute II

Situation: After learning from Mike that the Crowes also have access to the cabin, Raylan and Rachel head up there and find Carl slightly beaten and very tied up to a chair.

What makes it awkward? Carl not only doesn't assist in the apprehension of his kidnappers — he also gets Danny out of it by suggesting that he's there of his own volition and that he and Danny just hadn't settled on a "safe word."

Who's feeling awkward about it? Danny, whose instinct for self-preservation trumps his gay panic; and Raylan and Rachel, who maybe wonder if they have interrupted a consensual BDSM sesh. Not feeling awkward: Dewey, who's hiding out from Rachel and Raylan when all this goes down.

How is order restored? After figuring out that Carl works for Boyd, Raylan decides to return him to his employer and let Boyd deal with this nonsense, whatever it may be.

Wendy and Daryl fight about the house Raylan got them kicked out of and whether or not it's time to go back to Florida when Danny walks in, and he can't even give his side of the whole Carl escapade because Dewey already got there first and told the version most likely to convince Daryl to get out of Kentucky! But Wendy and Daryl have barely started yelling at Danny for starting a war with Raylan when in comes Boyd with Jimmy and Carl — and a job offer!

Crowder and the Crowes (free band name) descend on Gunnar and the Hitler humpers (also a free band name but not one I recommend you adopt) and totally dominate! Justice for Ava!

Speaking of Ava, she begs a razor off her bunkmate, Nikki...

Smug after his victory over Gunnar, Boyd has a status call with HR, and everything seems to be dandy until HR says it's going to be just like a weed deal he and Boyd made with the Bennets forever ago (because he's on speaker), and after Boyd hangs up he tells Carl and Jimmy that they're going to get robbed!

Driving back to Lexington, Rachel and Raylan bond over the fun of physically dominating dirtbag suspects like Danny. After calling her a kiss-ass who's after Art's job (but then immediately taking it back and apologizing), Raylan declines to say why he has a black eye and Art has a "swole fist," because, as she says, if he did "it would drag the whole office into a shitstorm of biblical proportions." I mean, pretty much!

And then Allison reminds Raylan that she'd told him not to seek redress from Danny but that he did it anyway, because he's kind of like the hero firefighter who runs into the burning building, but he's also kind of like the guy who sets the fire to rescue people from. Boy, ladies are reading Raylan's beads all over Kentucky tonight!

And then Boyd comes back to Audrey's to tell Daryl and Wendy he's got another job for them: "I want you to help me kill my cousin Johnny"!!!!!