Raylan Is Bad At Vacations

He Got The Funk

Darryl Crowe may be a scumbag (jk about the "may be" part), but he didn't get where he is in life by talking a bunch of shit he couldn't deliver on. Case in point: the drugs are over the border. Darryl's connect packed the bricks of heroin in crates filled with fish and ice; Carl, Dewey, and Danny then fill a couple of cars' trunks with them, hook the cars up to HR's tow trucks, and just have to drive said trucks back to Harlan. It all goes pretty smoothly EXCEPT when Dewey tries to get into the cab with Carl, and Carl kicks him out because apparently Dewey stinks on, like, a medical level. Carl consigns Dewey to ride with Danny, and takes off. As he pulls away, Danny says, "Told you." We can't actually see who's speaking, but I assume this plan was Danny's. Dewey is not so much with the strategy.

Could Frenemies Become Friends?

Carl having called to confirm that the trucks are rolling, Boyd and Darryl kick back to have a celebratory drink and then maybe a nap (and, even though no one's complained about anyone's stanky ass, a shower?). Except Darryl wants to chat! As Boyd subtly gets a gun out of a drawer and trains it on Darryl under the desk, Darryl starts kissing Boyd's ass, saying he doesn't want there to be any secrets between them. Boyd like, you mean how HR's guys totally didn't draw on you and that you had an arrangement with Flores the whole time? Darryl's like, you know me so well, just like how I know you have a gun pointed at me right now! But, you know, Darryl's been a good partner to Boyd with this whole deal. Boyd points out that the drugs haven't actually arrived yet, and Darryl basically says that they won't if Boyd's a dick about it. What does Darryl want? He wants to be part of the Crowder family! I was going to say it doesn't seem like the kind of family you'd want to join if you didn't have to, but the Crowes suck too, so maybe it isn't just a lateral move.

Why Lick Your Own Wounds?

Raylan must really be sad about breaking up with Allison (and/or bored) to let this bar skank's weak game work on him for a second. Just kidding! Raylan likes skanks. Of course he lets this one chat him up until he finds out that she's not just real friendly.

Eric The (Johnnie Walker) Red (Drinker)

After his disappointment with Kayla, Raylan decides that vacations are for chumps and his daughter can wait, instead cracking open the case file containing the (gruesome) photos of HR's dead guys and deciding to track down their boss in Memphis. Turns out HR is well known to the local authorities -- and one in particular is the right guy to be Raylan's temporary partner.

Haven't All The Heroin Addicts In Prison Gone Through Withdrawal By Now?

Alert Type: Interminable Drug Smuggling Storyline Alert.

Issue: Ava still needs Boyd to supply her with drugs to smuggle into the prison.

Complicating Factors: This is the first he's hearing about it, and also, since they're talking on a prison phone, she can't really go into a lot of detail except to say, "My friend's in trouble. She's going to find you. Do whatever she asks." Boyd agrees, and before long, Rowena's showing up at the bar to give him his assignment (and confirm that, yes, Ava's setting up a side business in prison to keep herself safe, which she'd better do quickly because some of the addicts have heard that Ava's the one who fucked up the old pipeline and they are not happy about it): her old partner Verna died when a man burned her house down with her in it, and Rowena wants Boyd to kill him. But when Boyd tracks him down, the man -- Elmont Swain -- is very old and on the verge of death. In addition to which he kind of had a legit beef with Verna: she got his wife Helena addicted to heroin when Helena was just in prison for kiting cheques.

Resolution: Boyd offers to disappear Elmont and let him live out the rest of his days in comfort; for all Rowena knows, he will be dead.

Spoiler: Boyd's not in the nursing-home business.

Kendal vs. Wendy

More bickering than a fight, but still: Wendy finds Kendal behind the bar at Audrey's, making up his own cocktail, which he calls a This Place Sucks. Wendy tries to act like the events of last week didn't happen, importuning him to have patience with his "brothers," but Kendal's not having it: "You mean my uncles?" Wendy says that the job they're on now is going to make them monstrous amounts of money, and promising that as soon as she gets her cut, she and Kendal will leave Kentucky forever; in fact, in a week, they'll never have to see any of his brother-uncles again. But then Darryl returns, and once Kendal's gone off to get Darryl food and a coffee, Wendy's like, do you swear this is actually going to work? and Darryl insists, "It's real this time."

Winner: Hard to say, when they're both still living in a Kentucky trailer brothel. Let's call it a draw.

Do I Dare Live Out The American Dream?

Alert Type: Power Vacuum Alert.

Issue: Raylan and Miller show up at one of HR's businesses looking for him, but find only Roscoe and Jay, who say they would like to talk to him too, but that they haven't seen him in days.

Complicating Factors: Because the Mexico situation has been in flux...basically the whole way through, Roscoe and Jay don't actually know that their colleagues have been killed.

Resolution: Miller and Raylan take off to look for HR somewhere else, leaving Agent Henkins, a squirrelly guy who clearly doesn't get out of the office much, to sit on them (not literally) and make sure they don't call HR and warn him that the law is coming -- except then he tries to be a big man by gloating that the guys got killed in Mexico, whereupon they overpower him and go off in search of their rightful share of the shipment.

Spoiler: They're not going to have to worry about HR taking a cut.

Hot Rod, Cold

Who called the meeting? Technically Raylan and Miller, by showing up at HR's garage.

What's it about? Raylan wants to find out what, if anything, HR knows about the Mexico operation.

How'd it go? Nearly as bad as possible. When Miller and Raylan show up, they're greeted by the sight of the henchman who was guarding HR staggering around with a pencil sticking out of his jugular: when Jay and Roscoe called to tell this guy what they heard from Henkins, HR told him that he'd have to go find Boyd at his bar and offered to draw him a map...but that's never what he intended to use the pencil for, you guys. So Raylan and Miller walk in on the aftermath: the guard dies almost as soon as they arrive, and HR's bleeding out from a bullet wound in his gut.

With nothing left to lose, HR admits that he's in this predicament because he got greedy; then he asks for Miller's flask, takes a couple of pulls, and ruefully says that at least he's not dying in a jail cell like Arlo did. HR then mentions the time he, in his longtime role as Miller's CI, gave Miller a tip on something that turned out to be a DEA sting, and Miller almost lost his job. (It's such a non sequitur that I mention it because I feel like it has to come up again later.) And then HR dies. Godspeed, Hot Rod. I hope your beard is a lot more lush in the next world.

Roscoe & Jay vs. Caleb

With HR out of the picture, Jay and Roscoe are not going to sleep on the chance to get a piece of that drug shipment, so they've gone to Harlan in search of Boyd so that they can get satisfaction. First stop: the bar. Caleb may be new, but he knows enough not to tell Jay and Roscoe where Boyd is just because they ask. For his troubles, he gets his head slammed into the bar and a gun jammed in his mouth, but they're not monsters: Jay puts a song on the jukebox first and lets Caleb take until it ends to decide how he wants to proceed.

Winner: We don't actually see what Caleb chooses to do, but I think the advantage goes to the visitors from Tennessee anyway.

And Then Two More Guys Come In Who Are Looking For Miller And Raylan, And Then...

When Miller and Raylan come into Boyd's, there's evidence that a couple of guys were there recently-ish, not just because there are two partially filled glasses on the bar...and Caleb, all duct-taped up on the floor behind it. Raylan kicks him awake to confirm that it was Jay and Roscoe who left Caleb in this state, and that they'd been looking for Boyd, and Caleb tells him it was they, and that they've gone on to Audrey's. So that's where Miller and Raylan go next, leaving Caleb to his own devices.

The Drug Company

Who called the meeting? Boyd and, to Boyd's dismay, Darryl.

What's it about? Darryl wants in on Boyd's deal with Wynn and Picker.

How'd it go? Starts bad; gets worse. Darryl holds forth for a while yammering on trying to make himself seem like a big man before asking for a 20% cut of the shipment. Wynn's like, and you are? Also, and the drugs are where? He suggests that they continue the discussion of who gets what when the drugs actually reach Harlan, but in any event, 20% is crazy because of all the stakeholders who will need to get their shares; Picker offers 10%. Darryl veiled-threatens that the stakeholders will be splitting "jack shit" if Darryl doesn't make sure Danny and Dewey get the truck back. And then Jay and Roscoe are overpowering Jimmy and Mikey and busting in asking for Boyd. They want the drugs or the money, and Boyd can choose which. Boyd responds with angry sarcasm, inviting Jay -- if he wants a job -- to kill Darryl and agree to 10%. (Darryl's like, 10 is fine, and Boyd's like, that ship has sailed.) Feeling nihilistic, Boyd suggests that they all draw and see who's still alive when the smoke clears...which is when Miller and Raylan enter.

Where Were We?

Boyd asks if he may be excused from the table; Raylan says he may not, and motions for Roscoe and Jay to put their guns down. "Reason not the need, Marshal," says Roscoe, going off on a tangent about King Lear and his "bitch-ass daughters" asking why he needs a hundred knights, or fifty, or even one, and Lear tells them, "Reason not the need." "I don't understand what these two are talking about," says Raylan, "but I gotta admit, I'm interested." Roscoe explains that in this analogy, he and Jay are Lear; they just want what's rightfully theirs, and then they'll leave and not bother anyone; he motions to all the other crime lords gathered and explains that "they're the bitches." Raylan and Miller remind them that they assaulted Henkins and got HR killed, but Roscoe says that was all these other guys' faults, and that the lawmen should be thanking Roscoe and Jay for leading them to this meeting. Miller says there are no deals to be made where Roscoe or Jay don't get arrested, and that Roscoe has three seconds to put his gun down. Roscoe starts to say he knows Miller's upset about HR, and then Miller shoots him. After an anxious moment, Jay puts his gun down too, finally, and lives to hench another day, maybe, many years from now.

As Jay is led away (in cuffs, as promised), Miller celebrates with his flask. Raylan says he's going back to Lexington to salvage what's left of his vacation. Miller says he always intends to see his kids when he's on vacation, but then he never does, and Raylan's like, "I thought you didn't have kids," and Miller grins, "No, I never said that." Another shitty dad? Justified, change the record!

With Jimmy in the back, Boyd drives Elmore to his new life. Elmore is jumpy, and only gets more jumpy when Boyd stops -- to take a piss, he says. Boyd tells Jimmy to give Elmore his money, and Jimmy does...

...and then garrotes him!

Kendal is playing cards with Wendy and bitching some more about how much Kentucky sucks when Darryl enters, in a mood after his latest run-in with Raylan! He goes looking for another deck of cards in Kendal's dresser, and Kendal's increasingly urgent attempts to stop him only harden his resolve to find whatever Kendal's trying to hide, which turns out to be the money Raylan gave him! Kendal says he got it by robbing johns! Darryl says he's going to take it, and Wendy doesn't stop him! She does tell Darryl to hurry up and get her cut to her, because she doesn't want to own the heroin business in Kentucky, she wants to leave! For real!

Ava goes to get a hepatitis shot/have a meeting with Rowena, who reports on her meeting with Boyd: "Skinny little stick of a man? He able to satisfy all of your needs?" Rowena confirms that Boyd fulfilled his part of the deal, but now she needs something else: Ava's going to have to kill Judith!

Art has heard about how Raylan spent his "vacation" and is disgusted to see him back at the office! He finally agrees with his wife that he's crazy to think Raylan's ever going to change! And even though Raylan challenges him again either to transfer him or start being nice to him again, Art says he's the boss and he doesn't have to so nyah!

Miller is driving (drunk) back to Memphis when he passes one of HR's tow trucks! He pulls a U-turn, passes the truck, and cuts it off, forcing Danny, who's driving, to stop! Danny gets out of the truck with his big-ass knife...

...and starts talking big about the 21-foot rule, which Miller says is bullshit! And while they're posturing at each other, Dewey is sliding over behind the wheel, and before Danny can throw his knife, Dewey runs them both over! Danny gets up! Miller does not! Dewey keeps driving!

AND FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!!!!