Battle Of The Men's Rights Activists

It's a development that's good for the embattled special interest group known as...m--en? Am I saying that right? Men? Anyway: men's rights activists are so hot right now, judging by their appearance on not one but two recent series. This weekend, Mike O'Brien (right) played Bruce in a sketch on SNL; and this week, Seth Morris's Bob Ducca (left) returned to spread the men's rights gospel on Kroll Show. Let's examine the evidence and determine a winner in the Battle Of The Men's Rights Activists -- an undertaking just as important as the fight for men's rights itself.

Which appears in the most congenial context?

Bob Ducca is in the perfect setting for a men's rights activist to make his case -- maybe the only good setting: he's part of the panel on a shouty cable news show called Can I Finish? (answer: never) discussing the matter of Dr. Armond's trial for allegedly murdering his second wife, Shannon. As Bob is there to remind us, no one ever talks about all the women who murder men -- like Lizzie Borden! He has no follow-up examples, but even if he did, he probably wouldn't be allowed to finish, and what's the difference? Point made, case closed!

Bruce, on the other hand, has been dragged along by his non-native English-speaking girlfriend, Marisol, to a jewellery party, where he is the sole male attendee. When the subject of his occupation comes up and Marisol proudly announces his title, the female guests are not exactly in the right mood to engage in a productive civil rights debate, and not just because they've all had a little pinot grizh!

Winner: Bob Ducca.

Which is the more compelling figure?

I guess it's fair to say there's something kind of intriguing about Bruce, even before we know what he does for a living? Like 90 Day Fiancé's Russ (on whom I'm convinced this couple was modeled), Bruce is dating a lady who's way out of his dorky league; what is it about him that is keeping her interested? Eventually we learn it's just her imperfect command of English that has kept her from taking Bruce's true measure. But until then -- what a potentially sexy mystery!

As for Bob and his ability to command a room, I'll quote the host of Can I Finish?: "Well, it's hard to listen to you! There's just something about you that's incredibly sad!"

Winner: Bruce, barely.

Which is the better dresser?

Though we don't see Bob Ducca's elbows, I can practically guarantee that corduroy jacket has elbow patches, which has a kind of charm even if it's accidental -- certainly it's more stylish than a zippered nylon jacket at an evening event, even a casual one. Even the neck collar can't detract from Bob's jacket's obvious superiority -- and yes, under other circumstances, those eyeglass frames would be a dealbreaker, that guy from The National wore them on SNL, so I guess they're cool now.

Winner: Bob Ducca.

Which makes the more convincing case on behalf of men?

Bruce distinguishes himself from most of his ilk by evincing an ability to read a room: though Marisol initially wants to brag on him, Bruce knows that a room full of ladies in a jewellery-buying mood are not going to be receptive to his message of male oppression, and does his best to change the subject. It's a good way to keep a party pleasant for everyone, but hardly a good advertisement for the plight of men!

And then there's Bob. "A lot of people don't know that Rihanna hit Chris as well. And, you know, when you go after Breezy, Breezy goes after you."

Winner: Tie.

Which is the more effective activist?

Like many talking heads on cable news shows, the extent of Bob Ducca's activism seems to be talking a bunch of shit without having any actual achievements to back it up. Shutting down a Planned Parenthood clinic, which Bruce apparently did, is an actual achievement, if an abhorrent one that doesn't really benefit anyone, men included. So...no wonder he celebrated by jumping up and down on the bed.

Winner: Bruce.

The Victor

Winner: Bob Ducca, who would almost certainly make a list of the feelings this win has sparked in him, if he knew.