Kroll Show Catches Up With The Stars Of An '80s Kids' Fitness PSA

"Last week's Kroll Show had a whole new installment of Wheels Ontario," you said. "There's no way they're going to go back to the crystal-clear Canadian water well already," you said. Dear Reader, I thought the same thing. And we were both wrong!

A new chapter of Wheels Ontario mythology is written with "Get Out!," an '80s-era PSA from the Canadian National Board Of Healthfulness And Salubrity that encourages kids to fight their Seasonal Affective Disorder with wholesome outdoor play. Gene "Coach Teacher" Creemers puts a group of appropriately multicultural schoolchildren through such activities as Jumping Jaques, Canadian Sit-Ups (standing in a row high-Fiving), and "Wagon Wheels," a.k.a. cartwheels but isn't a wagon more friendly and innocuous than a cart? In the name of safety first, Gene advises his co-stars to "Tie Those Trainers" as they get down to their park fun for at least "a fourth of an hour a day." (That the issue of snacking is raised without any mention of bagged milk is...a shock.)

Later in the episode, we revisit "Get Out!" to see what became of its stars. Angela McKenzie ended up "strung out on heroin in Vancouver, British Columbia," which stands to reason because that's all that dump is good for. (VISIT AND PROVE ME WRONG.) Quentin Brian got lots of tail from "the 'Get Out!' girls," but fell out with his parents. Franc Salmón blames Gene for his failure to get into Cirque du Soleil. Douglas Dubois regrets a bad line reading. And as for Gene: he was encouraged by the PSA's message to "get out" of the closet, and now lives in Banff with his husband and "a black child."

I wish I knew who on the Kroll Show writing staff is sufficiently conversant with our long-running Participaction initiative; Participaction PSAs are so adorably dorky that they really do exemplify the Canadian spirit and identity. And the show gets extra points for casting, as the grown-up "Get Out!" kids, actual Canadians Jon Dore and Nathan Fielder, and for knowing that Banff is Canada's second-funniest place name. (#1? Guelph.)

It's almost a perfect showing...but I'm afraid I have to deduct two points for use of the term "trainers." We call them runners. If you, like me, grew up in Saskatchewan, you spent most of your late tween years in runners and a bunny hug.