Photo: Craig Blankenhorn / FX
| Name: | Louis C.K. |
| Age: | Mid-forties. |
| Occupation: | Comedian. |
| Height: | 6' |
| Weight: | 240 lbs. |
| Location: | Manhattan, NY. |
| Education: | High school diploma. |
| Seeking: | Women. |
| For: | Sad, weird encounters that are basically unsatisfying for both of us. |
| About Me: | I'm a middlingly successful comedian, and even though I have my days mostly to myself and two wonderful daughters, you might know me for years and never see me smile. My body is falling apart; my children don't appreciate the things I do for them; and my finances, due to a recent mishap, are in the toilet and will be until I die. But maybe that's just because there's one piece missing from my puzzle of a life, and maybe that missing piece is you, lucky lady! |
| About You: | You will call me on my shit within moments of meeting me, because as little as I know about life, I am pretty sure that women can accurately size me up practically on sight. You are tolerant and kind, right up until the moment that my emasculation by a passel of rowdy youths quite reasonably turns you off forever. You can ideally get through sex with me without crying during it or immediately afterward. Maybe you like my comedy...? |
| In Relationships, I... | ...stumble along without any real plan, saying as little as possible and hoping I won't accidentally do anything offensive, or destroy anyone's livelihood with an errant punch. I mean, I do that now. It's a lesson you only have to learn once. And that goes for both of us: I bet she probably won't ever tickle anyone again. |
| On Our First Date, We'd... | ...possibly try one of the moves that's worked for me in the past: flirt over kids' titles in a bookstore; hook up morosely after a school drop-off. Maybe you'd like to demand that I go down on you in the front seat of a parked vehicle a couple of hours after we first met? Any of these vaguely depressing options is yours for the taking (or receiving, as the case may be). |
| Contact Me If... | ...you don't intend to end our time together by fleeing in a helicopter, or by literally dying. |