Screen: WeTV
'Reid's Whom I'd Least Like To Be Paired Up With, And Yes, I'm Including Spencer'
The Carrolls shuffle the couples for fake dates to teach them...something?
Our Players
Hello, I'm East Coast Editor Sarah D. Bunting.
Hello, I'm West Coast Editor Tara Ariano.
The Talk
We'll really miss our esteemed colleague Stephanie's insights this week, as she's off doing something of actual significance instead of analyzing these foolios ("foolii"?), but I don't think even she could make sense of how the Carrolls have a career when they are such overmatched simpletons. Exhibit A: "Heidi clearly runs their relationship." Asshole says what?
I KNOW! If Heidi ran that relationship, they'd be butt implant-deep in kids and SPENCER WOULD HAVE A JOB. I sincerely don't know on what basis they could even make that claim, unless they think the ways she's gone off the rez during her discretionary time in the manse are indicative of how she is with Spencer...? By which I mean: fighting with Natalie, and then, at some unspecified later time, conspiring with her bestie Natalie to break into the "dealbreaker" envelopes.
That was the most I've liked Natalie so far. This is saying almost nothing, but when they gathered all the Boot Campers to scold them for violating blah blah THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH, Natalie laughed right in their doomy faces, and good for her.
This is definitely a much stroppier group than last time: no one seems like they're taking any of it seriously. Not that they should, given the alleged professionals who are supposedly there to fix their relationships, but if you're not even going to try to work on things, then why go on a TV show to-- Wait, just heard it. Yep. TV.
The Carrolls aren't even trying either. Not that THEY should, given 1) the group of attention-whores they're saddled with and 2) their complete non-fitness to advise on so much as the hanging of a poster, but when Jacob announced that Natalie's...something or other with Spencer made him kind of mad, the Carrolls just stood there. Said absolutely nothing. On to the next group. I realize the beef between Heidi and Natalie is fake, but I would probably start beef with an end table to stave off the boredom in that environment.
The Carrolls themselves even got close to admitting what a bunch of duds they were when they talked about how Rachel and Kiwane's date went. You put a couple of wads of cotton batting in a rowboat, guys: it went like that. I have to say, if I had to pick two campers to start hating each other, it would have been Heidi and Aviva. Too much alike!
Before retiring to Mount Weather, Stephanie actually did file a note about the dudly dates and how the "qualities" the Carrolls mentioned as being important or complementary were unrecognizable to the viewers: "Aviva and Tyson are making sushi because it requires following 'strict rules.' This will let them 'live in the moment.' Huh?!" I don't think it's impossible to get something out of that exercise, actually, but you can't just be making shit up. At least Syleena was like, well fuck it I'll just make small talk and try to enjoy a cocktail.
You really would have to "try" if you got paired up with Reid. I don't watch RHONYC so I don't know how he comes across there -- as human garbage, like the rest of them, I assume -- but he seems like a real shifty creep here. That's whom I'd least like to be paired up with, and yes, I'm including Spencer.
I have to assume he's terrible because he married Aviva on purpose and stayed married to her even through this farce, but he's so inoffensive to me. Would you rather go on a date with him? Or with Jim Carroll, MT (that's a mock-turtleneck degree) (from Grenada)?
Sarah? I would choose Jim. I think I could tough out his particular brand of cornpone a lot more easily than I could the Reid Drescher Skeeve Factor. But now I have to ask you: Jim...or Tyson?
AAUGGHHHHHHH!!1 ...Tyson. While his self-assessment as "hilarious" is so far off base that it's in the bleachers, I feel like maybe we might watch some TV in common and have something to talk about. What am I going to talk to Jim about -- that time he got self-tanner poisoning and couldn't leave the hotel in Reseda for four days?
It's true, Jim would just want to make you barbecue, and when you were like, "No habla tri-tip, Chief," shit would get real awkward real fast. What about the ladies? I feel like Syleena is the only option. As you said, she knows how to make her own fun and seems like she could hang in a conversation, as opposed to Rachel, who'd just stare at you mutely with those dopey, disappointed eyes.
And I think she knows when to be fake, or her "camera self," and when to be a human. I feel like a gel mani with Syleena would be fun, or have potential. The other skeletons, pass. Natalie, diamond-hard pass.
I agree and yet I would love to find out what her butt maintenance regimen actually is. Squats, lunges, and then right in the shower for exfoliation, followed by tenderly anointing it with perfumes and oils...it must take hours.
And I think she knows when to be fake, or her "camera self," and when to be a human. I feel like a gel mani with Syleena would be fun, or have potential. The other skeletons, pass. Natalie, diamond-hard pass.
I agree and yet I would love to find out what her butt maintenance regimen actually is. Squats, lunges, and then right in the shower for exfoliation, followed by tenderly anointing it with perfumes and oils...it must take hours.
Does she do a test where she tries to rest a pint of beer on it, and if it doesn't stay put it's back on the machines?
A pint? Try a pail.
I did. This show still sucks.