Since When Doesn't Married At First Sight: The First Year's Jamie LOVE Discussing Her Painful Past?

"I did look for you -- I couldn't find you"? Really, Janine?

After much buildup, this is the episode in which Jason is finally reunited with his half-sister, Janine -- with whom, it sounds like, he had occasional contact at earlier times in his life, but with whom he lost touch over the years.

That's understandable: given the slightly messy situation with the various children Jason's father begat over the years, maybe neither Jason's nor Janine's mothers wanted to go out of their way to get their kids together, and if Janine never knew Jason's mom's address when Janine was a kid herself, she wouldn't have known how to track him down when Janine became an adult herself -- assuming Jason's mom even stayed in the same place, which: who knows. Buuuuuuuut, "I couldn't find you" stopped being a viable excuse for failing to connect with anyone about ten years ago -- 'round about the time Facebook became accessible to the general public. Jason's Facebook profile is not private, and even if that wasn't always the case, it's probably been public at least since the first season of Married At First Sight? Jason's currently in his third year of being a reality TV star. I know fyi isn't exactly Bravo in terms of cable network tiers, but surely someone who's known Janine long enough to be aware of her family history would have seen Jason on either of his shows and told her about it? "I found you on Facebook but I felt strange about reaching out to you because I didn't know how you felt about me vis-à-vis our dad" is probably more likely. Or "I didn't look for you because I didn't feel like we really needed to have a relationship."

What kind of a turd is Jason and Janine's dad?

Maybe Janine's the one who's a hothead, but the story she tells -- that she and her/Jason's father had an argument and haven't spoken since -- added to Jason's father (apparently) near-complete absence from Jason's life tells me that he's a real piece of shit that Jason's better off not knowing. Prediction: Jason's Father is going to join Jamie's Ex in the Married At First Sight: The First Year Green Room Of Being Endlessly Discussed And Never, Ever Seen.

How much did Production have to slip Doug's dad to act like he wants Doug and Jamie to have kids?

We rejoin the Hehner family in this episode with Doug's parents coming to the town house to introduce their new puppy -- or, as Doug's mom puts it, "We have a new baaaaaaaby!"

Barf. Your dog is a dog. Don't call it a baby. Don't refer to yourself as its "mommy" or "daddy." If you must, please don't do it in front of me. Anyway, as if Doug's mom's announcement about the "baaaaaaaaby" isn't horrifying enough (it is), Doug's dad has to follow it up thus: "Since you won't give us one, we gotta get our own." WHOA, WHAT?! After all the Hehners spent the whole last episode not just agreeing with one another that Jamie is "broken" but that she should pursue therapy on her own without any thought of staying married to Doug, now Doug's parents have pivoted to putting procreation pressure on this couple? Doug and Jamie barely tolerate each other. I would bet good American money that they stopped sleeping in the same bed many weeks ago. Anyone who watches this show knows quite well Jamie and Doug should not even kind of be thinking about having children together; surely people who actually interact with them in real life should be dosing their drinks with Plan B, just in case.

When Jamie tells her new therapist about "very private things in [her] past" that are "not easy to talk about," what is she referring to?

Because if it's stuff about her dirtbag mom who abdicated her parental responsibility, resulting in Jamie's getting custody of her siblings when she was still a teenager, and whose ongoing failure to be a reliable mother is to blame for all of Jamie's trust issues as an adult, then (a) those "things" are really not "very private"; they are, at this point, extremely public; and (b) if they're "not easy to talk about," then Jamie does a pretty amazing job of making it look real easy by TALKING ABOUT THEM ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

A therapist named "Johnny"?

No.

Will Jamie ever be able to untangle the difference between a spouse and a parent?

Based on the evidence of her first session with Dr. Johnny (ugh) Lops, it doesn't look great. Here's how she describes what she considers a great relationship between Amylynn and her new husband: "He teaches her responsibility, and my sister-- She's always been very defiant of responsibility, I feel like, like, she just-- She doesn't want it." Jamie goes on to tell the story of Doug's late arrival at the wedding -- though, to her credit, she does say that Doug took responsibility for it -- at which Dr. Lops notes, "Remember how you said your younger sister doesn't like to take responsibility? I think you might've used the word 'defiant'? In a way, is he becoming that way, a little bit, just because of the way, of the style that you're coming down on him? Becoming his mom again?" "I do not want to be his mom!" says Jamie emphatically. "Are you giving him the platforms to work on these things that you might want to change, or are you trying to put in-- shove into his face every time, where you're just making it a chore?" VERY INSIGHTFUL, DR. LOPS. I GATHER YOU ARE A FAN OF THE SHOW. I do think that Jamie may consider nagging a form of love, because she grew up with so little structure and would have loved having someone paying attention to her and bossing her around, which is why she thinks her stern taskmaster of a brother-in-law is so great for Amylynn. Jamie may say she doesn't want to be Doug's mom because she knows she's supposed to, but I think she also thinks it's her job to help turn Doug into a better person...like a mother does with a child. (And, in Jamie's slight defense, Doug could give her fewer grounds on which to correct him.) (But, in Doug's slight defense, I don't think he gives a shit what she thinks of him anymore.)

Can Cortney please, for the love of God, shut up about this ring?

I would be 100% on Cortney's side in the bank account fight if not for the fact that, as Jason reminds us, APPARENTLY CORTNEY HERSELF FORGOT HOW SHE MADE A BIG DAMN DEAL ABOUT JASON BUYING HER A FUCKING ENGAGEMENT RING. Jason is a better man than I am for not asking her how, exactly, she expects him to buy her this goddamn ring out of their joint bank account, but honest to christ, the fact that this fight stretches over multiple scenes -- and, apparently, days -- is proof of what a child she is. It is annoying to live with someone who has abdicated responsibility for the household finances and never learned how to do mobile banking; that, I can confirm from personal experience. But it is just astonishing to me that Cortney would turn this into World War III without taking one second to think about the reasons -- or even just one reason -- that Jason might want to keep some money away from her? You already have a ring, Cortney. Shut the fuck up about getting another one.