When Married At First Sight: The First Year Says It's 'The Final Episode,' Does That Mean It's The Final Episode?!

"Tonight on the final episode of Married At First Sight: The First Year"????!??!??1/1??!??

I know it's the final episode of the season. Is that Doug voice-over at the beginning of the episode trying to tell us this is the final episode of the show forever? That better just be because the next 2-40 seasons are now going to be called Married At First Sight: Still Married or something BECAUSE I AM NOT READY TO SAY GOODBYE AND I AM VERY SERIOUS.

Is anyone on reality TV more affected and phony than Jamie?

You know how sometimes you hang around your home, inside, in a hat and hot pants and knee-high season-inappropriate boots?

Then there's the later scene, when we learn that even when Jamie's literally in sweats...

...she's still gummed up her eyes with false lashes. There is just nothing at all authentic about her, is there.

Will no one explain to Doug and Jamie why the title "pre-baby bucket list" makes no sense?

Fine, I'll DO IT. In the movie of the same name, it was a "bucket" list because it was a collection of items one was going to try to do before kicking the bucket. So unless Doug and Jamie are planning to die "pre-baby," that is an idiotic name. (Although, considering one of Doug's items is sky-diving, maybe that's exactly what he's trying to do.) That said: who knew Jamie -- someone who just sold her "traller" and worries about the "shtran" her former doubts about Doug put on their marriage -- could compress the seven syllables of "prebabybucketlist" into a word she can expel in nanoseconds? It's like she knows you wrote a drinking game for the show and wants to squeeze it in as many times as she can to get you good and properly wasted for the season (series?) finale.

Jason is a firefighter but he doesn't know how to swim?

I realize he's not in the Coast Guard, but this still seems like a skill Jason would be required to have mastered in order for him to be effective in his job, right? And maybe one that a qualified instructor should be helping him with as opposed to a makeup artist with a couple of floaties.

At what point did Cortney tie Jamie in the race for Worst Wife?

Leaving aside the matter of who actually paid for the Maui vacation (the show, not Jason's late mom's mad money), and who planned it (the show, not Jason), it does look like a very pleasant way to spend a few days -- and hey, they can try out a different balcony in their suite for each day of their trip! But since we're pretending that Jason is responsible for every bit of the luxury Cortney's enjoying, this is a curious comment for her to make: "Jason's going to have to work very hard in our future to ever top this surprise." No, dude: I think what you meant to say is that YOU are going to have to work very hard in your future to ever top this surprise, FOR HIM. Was Cortney jealous of the air time Jamie was getting by being the show's most selfish taker and wanted to try out that routine for herself?

This is the first time Neph's ever lived alone?

Our final (???) check-in with Neph and Jasmine has them at a get-together at, where else, Neph's mom's house, as the rest of Clan Neph sends the happy couple off to their new home. Though he tries to minimize how much this will change all their lives, given that "It's the first time I'm living somewhere permanently that I'm not coming back." I assume he means as opposed to living elsewhere temporarily for camp or college or whatever the fuck...but Neph is divorced. He and Mrs. Neph lived with "Mommy"? Add that to the pile of clues as to why the marriage didn't work out.

Though the FUCKING SOCKS surely didn't help.

Is drunk after a luau the best time to pick a fight about the relative value of Cortney's job compared to Jason's?

If Cortney's still upset that Jason (according to her) demeaned her for not saving lives on a professional basis, then having a conversation in which she impresses upon him how important it is to her that he apologize is a good idea. The end of a Mai Tai-fueled dinner/hula show is probably not the best time? If Cortney had all her faculties about her when she confronted Jason about this, then maybe she'd be able to accept his sincere-seeming apology -- but then again, maybe she wouldn't; learning how to fight fair, and gaining the maturity to understand that sometimes an apology is all you can get after a slight, are things Cortney should be working on with a therapist other than "Dr." Pepper. As it is, all both of them are going to remember about this night (assuming Cortney's not so drunk that she'll forget all of it) is how Cortney capped off their exotic vacation dinner by dredging up old business.

...Wait, are Doug and Jamie maybe really a couple now?

For all Jamie's late-in-the-season lip service to her renewed commitment to Doug, I have never believed them as a loving husband and wife until this post-skydive kiss.

Maybe Doug just has an adrenaline boner, but this does seem like a genuine moment. If Doug's prediction is right and he does get Jamie pregnant on the safari trip she planned (the show planned) to finish off his list, I guess I'm okay with it. And speaking of disappointed women finally seeing their dearest/most annoying wishes fulfilled....

Now can Cortney please SHUT UP about her remaining wedding demands?

Since this whole trip has just been a very predictable lead-up to Jason's presentation of an engagement ring he bought himself (and despite his earlier stated hesitation about whether he should "reward" Cortney with it given what she supposedly did with the last one), he puts together a three-step "scavenger hunt" (treasure hunt) that even she would be able to follow and culminates thus.

"From this point forward, there are no questions," Cortney says confidently. That's a lot of peace of mind Jason (the show) bought! And now that he's met this arbitrary mandate, she's sure to be satisfied, stop whining, and live with Jason happily ever after. Good luck to them both.