Where Would A Real Therapist Begin Treating A Person Who Could Qualify For Married At First Sight: The First Year?

How hard is Doug trolling Jamie/us by acting like he wants to have a baby with her?

Jamie's sister Leah just had her baby, and when she shows Doug the photos, something unexpected occurs: Doug talks about the possibility of having children with Jamie! He jokes about "a little Douglas Hehner coming out with moles all over his face" and his hopes that their child would inherit her hair and not his. But in a TH immediately afterward, he slips a little, saying, "It does make me wonder what your baby's gonna look like." I feel like if that were his spontaneous feeling -- as opposed to his attempt at repeating a line a producer fed him -- he wouldn't have switched pronouns mid-sentence. Then again, the rest of the episode does offer evidence for the possibility that he's just dumb.

How many more times is Jamie going to re-commit to her marriage?

In this episode, the turning point comes when Jamie proudly unveils for Doug the sad little bin of Jamie's shit that her (other) sister Amylynn retrieved from The Ex's house on Jamie's behalf. "It's, like, finally putting the pin on everything," Jamie declares. "Selling my trailer, therapy -- I finally feel like I really, really, you know--" "Stepped up to the plate?" Doug finishes.

And you can tell from her face how thrilled she is about it, too!!!! Speaking as someone who has already pre-ordered Jamie's book about being a super-great wife, I think it behooves Jamie to exercise full transparency and inform her viewers and readers how far along she was in the writing process when this latest formal statement of commitment took place -- since apparently her first wedding and her vow renewal ceremony and her whole first year of marriage and her incessant lobbying for both pregnancy and the purchase of a home didn't get her all the way there.

We all noticed that the story of how Cortney's ring went down the drain changed again, right?

"[C]ramming my ring down the drain" is how she's describing it now -- at least, to us; to Dr. Pepper, over Skype, she still just says she "threw" it, and I guess Dr. Pepper has no visual memory of the tiny, tiny holes in Cortney and Jason's kitchen sink drain to question this account. Cortney probably does need to work on her anger and her rage, as Dr. Pepper uses this incident to suggest to her, but I am far less interested in that uphill and probably futile battle than I am in getting to the bottom of what actually happened to this fucking ring.

Why do we have to watch so much of Doug and Jamie's bullshit ghost hunt?

I know part of the reason why: it goes back to the season premiere, and the list of things Doug wanted to do before he had kids, one of which was go on a ghost hunt, so now I guess we're supposed to see that Jamie has really turned a corner on her commitment to Doug even when he wants to do really stupid shit like this, and/or that Doug is creeping ever closer to fatherhood by getting serious about crossing things off that list. Does that mean the show has to subject us to seven and a half minutes of it? With a fucking commercial break in the middle? OH GOD, is fyi following up its specials on Doug and Jamie's vow renewal and "NYC Date Night" with a spinoff about their further ghost hunting adventures?!

Neph rates a Diary Cam now?

I've said this before and I'll say it again: on principle, I offended by the way the show seems to think it's sneaking Neph into the cast.

Neph was not Married At First Sight. He's not in The First Year of anything except continually disappointing the poor dope who gave up her life and family on his promises, whether they were empty or merely vague. If he's sorting out the fallout from a "social experiment" in which he participated, then you might as well open up the cast of this series to EVERYONE WHO MET A STRANGER IN A BAR AND STARTED DATING.

All that said: okay, yes, I am more interested in the shitshow that is Neph and Jasmine's doomed relationship than I am in the tissue of lies this show has made of Jason and Cortney's marriage. So since we're here....

We can dispense with the idea that Neph's not a manipulative player, right?

After all the wrangling over how soon he and Jasmine are going to get married and whether he intended to put her name on the deed, he does this?

Neph HAS to know that a girl like Jasmine is definitely going to read into that gesture. Don't carry her over the threshold unless you mean it, bro!

That's not...the only...kitchen. Right?

There's another kitchen upstairs? Or downstairs?

I couldn't live with that corner sink and I don't even fucking cook. What is someone who does cook supposed to accomplish on those four square inches of countertop -- and that's before you put a drying rack someplace because you're going to have to stay on top of those dishes: two bowls and a coffee cup and it's going to look messy and OH MY GOD THERE ISN'T EVEN A DISHWASHER. Wasn't Neph improving this joint? Why did he stop? I've seen bigger kitchens on fucking airplanes!

Can Cortney and Jason stop talking about buying a house until they're able to talk about it like two adults?

After their meeting with an uptalking financial planner (dealbreaker), Cortney and Jason return to their studio for dueling Zillow searches, North Carolina vs. Brooklyn. Cortney gloats about how much more house she and Jason could buy in North Carolina, like, fucking duh. Doesn't she understand that isn't the point? They could probably buy a castle in North Carolina, but they wouldn't get to live in it for very long if Jason didn't have a firefighter job there -- and it's doubtful how much she'd be able to contribute to the household accounts if, as seems to be the case this season, what work she does get as a makeup artist is on film or TV productions, of which there probably wouldn't be as many in North Carolina. After the meeting with the financial planner, Cortney agreed that it doesn't make sense for them to leave New York in the next five years, so what is the point of this exercise? Is it just so we see Jason say he'll entertain the idea of North Carolina at some point?

And all that aside: how have neither of them connected their ongoing discussion about the more comfortable home they want to move into next and the utter bullshit that is Cortney's requirement that Jason buy her a new engagement ring when she already had one?! I get that a house -- or even a down payment on a house -- is not in the same realm as the cost of a diamond ring, but a diamond ring is not free! Skip the ring and use the money to buy the 1,000 random things you never thought about that you definitely need when you move to a new place! (Shower curtains and hallway runners aren't expensive, but that shit adds up and there's always more than you thought you needed!)

The bottom line is that Cortney still doesn't know how money works, so all Jason should have to do is tell her that and make her shut it.

Was that stuff with Doug and the vet manufactured for the show?

Doug and Jamie just had a fight stretch over multiple days -- and episodes -- because Doug was late getting to something important. And when Jamie finally gets over it, Doug then shows up late to pick up the dogs at the vet and ignores Jamie's calls? Doug thinks Jamie is overreacting -- "I was a little late. It's fine" -- because Doug, like all people with punctuality problems, is inconsiderate and self-involved. BUT. Is he so inconsiderate and self-involved that he'd bait Jamie like this so close to their last fight about something similar? Or is this just so they'll have fodder for their first joint session with Dr. Lops?

How much is Cortney willing a connection between Jason and his newly discovered sister?

I understand that, having agreed that New York is the right place for her and Jason right now, Cortney needs to find reasons to make it right for her, and making connections with Jason's formerly estranged family -- since Cortney is so far from her own -- is part of that. But "You definitely do a double take seeing the two of them together, because they do look alike"?

Around the eyes, a little? But otherwise they really don't.

Where would a real therapist begin treating a person who had been on Married At First Sight AND "progressed" to Married At First Sight: The First Year?

This is not to say I put a huge amount of stock in the qualifications of Dr. Johnny Lops, a person who isn't just treating Jamie on camera but who also greeted Jamie for her second session with a hug. But theoretically, he should be more objective about Jamie and Doug and the problems they might be experiencing if he -- unlike Dr. Pepper, for example -- was not one of the "experts" who helped match them in the first place and therefore has no vested interest in steering them toward staying together regardless of how much they hate each other. But let's pretend Jamie (and, secondarily, Doug) was seeing a therapist who refused to allow cameras in his or her office and was serious about helping Jamie heal her many very real problems. How could Dr. Hypothetical get past "I thought it was a good idea to let complete strangers choose my spouse, and after they did, I remained in a marriage that only exists because of a reality TV show"? Is there anywhere to go from there? Does signing up for the experiment maybe indicate any number of serious mental health issues? Wouldn't every session automatically end up being about how that decision was made and why it still hasn't been undone? If any real therapists or psychiatrists are reading this, I would love you to comment. (Not you, Dr. Pepper.)

How could Cortney have accompanied Jason to a surprise hula class he arranged and not figured out it would end with a surprise trip to Hawaii?

Is she that good an actor that she seriously did not see that coming? Or is it more likely that Cortney is too dumb to know where hula comes from? If so, since the previous scene showed Jason referring to Cortney's original engagement ring floating somewhere in "the New York City Ocean," maybe the "experts" actually did get one right and these two dimwits really are soulmates.