Will Married At First Sight: The First Year Ever Convince Anyone That Jamie Likes Doug?

Is anyone here persuaded by Jason's emotional search for his father?

I'm starting to feel bad for Jason being made to sell this storyline about searching for his absentee father, because he does not have the acting chops. Every time this has come up this season, my impression was that Jason had never known this person at all, and now all of a sudden Cortney's saying he was around until Jason was "eleven or twelve"? Learn your character's backstory if you want it to be credible, Jason -- like, for instance, if your fatherless childhood has left you with such deep emotional wounds, you should probably have a better idea of when it was that he actually took off? Then, there's the scene in which Cortney asks Jason some totally banal questions about the circumstances under which he had previously met one of his half-sisters and he gets mad at her, snapping, "I don't know what you mean?" Uh, she means where were you when you met this girl; you were a kid, it's not like you drove yourself to drinks or something. That feels even more like Jason's been coached to react "emotionally" and he just picked the wrong one.

Look, I'm not trying to be callous about this. All I know about Jason is what I see on TV. But the only times his anguish about his father and half-siblings rings true to me is when he says things like, "I don't know what I want from them, and that's the problem." Maybe the reason he doesn't know what he wants from them is because he's being urged to want something, when in fact, he wants nothing. If he does have psychic scars about all this, maybe it's because his psychic wounds healed over a long time ago.

Jason leaves things with Cortney on a relatively low-stakes semi-plan: maybe he'll try to email the sister he remembers and try to meet her for coffee. "I know this is not going to be the end," he says, in the last episode of this show we're going to see this year. Okay, dude.

If the show's going to stage Jason's emotional turmoil, could it also consider staging the actual set?

Will Jamie ever convince anyone that she likes Doug?

Ha ha, I know, what a ridiculous question! What could be more spontaneous than Jamie coming out in white jeans, as Doug cleans his car, and chirping, "Whatcha doin', cleaning the car?" What could be more natural than Jamie telling us, "Weekends are awesome because Doug doesn't work, and so he's home a little bit more and I actually get to spend time with him being in my home, and it's nice! It's not as lonely"? (Sidebar: does Jamie still have a job, or no? It seems like it's been a minute since we last saw her in her scrubs.) What better proof is there of how comfortable Jamie is with Doug than the discussion about how she stopped wearing hair extensions and chicken cutlets around him? (NO MENTION OF THE STILL-UBIQUITOUS FALSE EYELASHES, THO.) What could be sexier than announcing, "Just trying to be sexy!" Ugh. Both of these idiots need to find something else to do with their time and someone else to do it with. And now that the season is over, maybe they can.

Can they, though?

No.

Is Neph's bedroom the saddest place on earth?

At least it's in the top (bottom) ten.

Jasmine can't even get out of bed without crawling over him! I guess she must really love Neph if she arrived in New York, saw this depressing hole, and stayed.

Who's on Jasmine's side in the great marriage debate?

Maybe you are; I'm not. My impression is that she talked her parents into not disowning her for moving in with Neph out of wedlock by telling them he was about to propose any minute, and said it enough that she convinced herself that it was true. But while I still think everything about this relationship is doomed and that Neph was an idiot to have moved it forward to this point when HE STILL LIVES AT HOME WITH HIS MOTHER AND BROTHERS, PLURAL, given the way he talks about marriage now, I don't believe Neph misled Jasmine about his intentions. If it's that important to her family, or to her personally, to be married, then Jasmine should propose to Neph rather than sit around whining at him to quit bringing shame on her or whatever the fuck. Then maybe she can move on to another man who might want to marry her sometime this decade because he isn't still damaged from his VERY RECENT divorce. Ideally, it could be someone who lives in Texas, where he will be able to afford a house of the size she wants, because she will literally never have it in New York. And speaking of buying a house...

Who told Neph this is how you dress to go consider a minimum-six-figures purchase?

Guys: I can't with this.

Also: I sure see the socks, because you CAN'T MISS THEM, but where's the matching hat?!

Did the show just accidentally reveal who The Ex is?

On their way to Jamie's sister's surprise wedding, Jamie and Doug are going to stop at The Ex's house so that Jamie can pick up "stuff" she still has there, which, by the way, what stuff? If this guy is Jamie's "best friend," presumably she's seen him in the past year-plus that she's been married; he couldn't bring it to her? On the other hand, she's been married for a year-plus; what could there be that's so important she needs to retrieve it after not having needed it in all that time? (Doug actually sacks up to suggest that Jamie had left this stuff at The Ex's in the first place because she's never stopped thinking of him as her backup, which, good for him.) Jamie hasn't stopped burbling about how great it's going to be when Doug and The Ex meet since The Ex first came up on this show, so she does it again, some more, while claiming not to have high expectations for how it's going to go: "I'm not expecting us to sing 'Kumbaya.'" "I'm not a singer and he is," Doug replies. O RLY? Could it be that the reports on the boards are accurate and that The Ex is Lonnie Park, the "friend" with whom Jamie composed a song for her wedding back in the series premiere? And if so, WHY DID JAMIE AND THE EX SHE'S CLEARLY STILL IN LOVE WITH WRITE A SONG TOGETHER FOR HER WEDDING TO ANOTHER DUDE? But maybe it's not true. But it sure seems like it is, right?

How much marabou girly shit like this do we think Jamie owns?

I imagine her keeping a Spencer's Gifts go bag by the door in case a bachelorette party ever breaks out.

HOW DARE FYI???

Jamie and Doug are in the car, en route to The Ex's, and then...

END CREDITS??? We have to wait for this shit to come back sometime in a whole OTHER YEAR to see how it goes? UUUUUUUUGH well, see you all here for that. Dammit.