Battle Of The Shower Enviers

Who did it first?

Maggie and Emma of Playing House encountered Tina/Birdbones's bangin' house in the second episode, on April 29, 2014. Lina and Russ of Married visit Roxana's new home in the second episode of that series as well -- July 24, 2014.

Winner: Playing House.

Which frenemy seems less deserving of a luxurious shower?

At this early stage of the show, all we know of Birdbones is that she's married Emma's ex, Mark, in what seems like a very unlikely match; she's extremely compulsive in all aspects of her life (staying up all night to prepare the brunch that is the setting for the shower-peeping, then not even eating anything); and, finally, that her veneer of perfection is covering some serious mental issues -- maybe depression, and certainly hoarding. But she could consider facing those issues and not making Mark run around like a whipped puppy. Later, of course, we will learn that Mark brought some of this on himself by not being honest with Tina about his past, but at this point, she's still mostly a pain in the ass.

Married only gives us the most perfunctory glimpse of Roxana, ex-wife of Russ's friend AJ, so it's hard to tell. All we really know about her is that she's the kind of person who would marry a two-prostitute-hiring dirtbag and then realize maybe that was a bad idea, so why not get a gigantic four-head shower to wash that man right out of her hair?

Winner: Playing House.

Which situation is funnier?

Though Maggie and Emma of Playing House are both generally pretty decent people, their animosity toward Birdbones is a reminder that nothing brings people together like a shared distaste for a third party. After getting rid of Birdbones with a request to use the toilet, Emma and Maggie hop into the elaborate shower and start mocking what they think happens when she's in there "taking her little bird bath." It's mean...but since we've just seen how desperate Birdbones is to make a good impression, it's pretty funny.

Like a lot of Married, the introduction of the luxury shower is more tinged with pathos than humour. Russ gets an eyeful of the four-head shower and thinks it's the solution to his intimacy issues with Lina: if they had more spray coverage -- unlike the tiny shower they have now -- she'd want to take showers with him all the time, riiiiiiight? Probably not, and also, don't try coming on to your wife in a crowded party after you've just secretly done a line of coke.

Winner: Playing House.

Which ends most inappropriately?

Despite Russ's hopes, nothing inappropriate happens in Roxana's shower: he starts to get undressed in the hopes that Lina will follow suit, which she doesn't, and then AJ calls him out to his car to whine about Roxana's engagement and the party ends for Russ anyway.

Over on Playing House, though, the situation is a lot more awkward. Maggie and Emma have been on their best brunch behaviour, trying to pass as classy women for the sake of the extremely proper Birdbones. And the illusion is shattered when Emma, goofing around, accidentally turns the shower on, and a sodden Maggie and Emma have to slink back downstairs in Mark and "Tina"'s personalized bathrobes.

Winner: Playing House.

Which shower is nicer?

We don't get as good a look at Roxana's shower as we do Birdbones's, but the victory here has to go to the shower that's more user-friendly. I'm pretty sure Roxana's doesn't let itself get turned on by accident, and is then really hard to turn off.

Winner: Married.

Verdict

A generation ago, TV shows would be packed with markers of wealth like fur coats and fancy cars. But now we're all watching people shop for real estate on HGTV and saving elegant living room layouts on our Pinterest boards. None of us may ever own a Bentley, but a baller shower is potentially within our reach. And BIRDBONES is the bitch who gets to enjoy hers NOW?! No wonder Maggie and Emma felt moved to do a whole sketch comedy routine in her shower, and god bless them for doing it.

Winner: Playing House.