As The Masters Of Sex Try To Master Life Apart, Who's Having The Funnest, Sexiest Time?

We pick back up with Masters Of Sex just a few weeks since the events of the season finale, but that's been plenty of time for everything to go to shit. Virginia's fled to Vegas, occupying herself in Dan's absence by plotting her next career move and making up stories to seduce bartenders with. Bill's driving drunk but denying that his life has become unmanageable even though he's down to one suit, which he's probably slept and puked in. By day, Libby's pursuing her divorce with righteous fury; by night, she's learning that she might feel better about her life in general if she ditched some of her lingerie.

There's a lot less sex than usual -- with the clinic running on a skeleton crew of...Betty, there isn't even bad sex -- but there's always sexual tension. Let's count down the characters from who's having the most fun, sexy time, and who might as well just give up for good.

1. Anita
   When Libby tells her divorce lawyer, good old Herb Spleeb, that she expects him to take a scorched-earth approach to ending her marriage with Bill (good), he suggests that she join a women's group that he knows of. Libby shows up expecting a book club full of Junior League members but instead finds she's at a consciousness-raising group led by Anita.
   

   Though it's pretty clear this isn't Libby's jam, Anita neither shames her as a suburban basic, nor tames the group's discussion topics to bring her along. (Libby may not want to talk about her abortions, but Anita's still going to invite the rest of the group to talk about theirs.) After the meeting's broken up into smaller groups, Libby tries to find common ground with Anita by getting her to agree that the recent protest against the Miss America pageant was silly, what with the women burning their bras. Anita informs Libby that they didn't burn any bras (accurate); Libby says she thinks the gesture was silly anyway, whereupon Anita suggests that Libby try something: "Take off your bra." Libby stares at her uncomprehendingly for a moment before sputtering, "I just don't think this is me," Anita counters, "And a bra is you? A breast restraint that's become a multi-billion-dollar industry owned and operated by men? How does any of that have anything to do with you?" Libby:

   

   Anita is the best, and while it would be somewhat annoying for the show to make her a lesbian because not all feminists are, nor were they even then -- that's a stereotype -- I do hope this one is and that she can get Libby to do some more experimenting.

2. Hef
   Hey, Hef's back! When Virginia decides that her post-Bill future lies in writing a sex column for Playboy (excuse me while I sob enviously at the idea that a writer could sustain herself by producing a single monthly column for a print magazine); when Hef responds to her pitch by telling her she and Bill should come out to Chicago and talk about it, she accepts and only reveals when she gets there that she's alone and intends to stay that way. Hef lets her go through her spiel, but then tells her the reason she and Bill have worked is that they're a team. He's even willing to invest in the clinic and help them with their legal issues -- persecution by prudes being something he's experienced himself -- but only if they pair back up. And don't we all dream of having the kind of money and power to reunite our favourite split-up duos on our say-so?
   

   And taking meetings in our jammies, on a rotating bed?

3. Louise
   The leader of the AA group a court-ordered Bill attends may not be having any sex that we see. It also may not be that much fun to her to have to spend her time and energy trying to break through Bill's wall of denial and self-delusion.
   

   I'm having fun watching her do it, though! Bill spends this whole episode getting read to filth by every woman whose path he crosses -- and I could not be more here for it -- but Louise does it first and best.

4. Maue
   Hef's assistant Maue is the power behind the Playboy throne -- tiny, flinty, efficiency personified and dressed in a cropped vest.
   

   After breaking it not-that-gently to Virginia that Hef's not vibing with her solo column pitch, Maue effortlessly directs Virginia into how to make it work. When Virginia bitches that someone with her accomplishments should have to write on spec (thinkpiece: "Virginia: The Original Millennial???"), Maue essentially tells her to get over herself: "A woman always has to audition." All that's missing is a pair of period-appropriate "Deal With It" sunglasses.

5. Dan
   A bartender refers to him as Virginia's husband; she doesn't correct him, but she also goes on to tell him a bunch of lies, so let's say their marital status is still unconfirmed. He's also not onscreen with Virginia in this episode at all, and we don't know what business he's dealing with, but let's assume there's a greater than 50% chance that, even though he seems to have finally locked down the object of desire he spent most of Season 3 pursuing, he's already cheating on her.
6. Betty
   Both of Betty's inconsiderate employers have abandoned her to deal with all the clinic business alone -- meaning she has to cover for both their absent asses, even with patients who booked appointments with the eminent sexologists months and months earlier. Still, Betty tap-dances for everyone trying to get her bosses to meet their obligations, cracking and admitting the truth only to someone she knows won't spill: a Girl Scout selling cookies.
   

   And when Bill finally oozes back into the office, surely reeking of gin, Betty still manages to yell at him a little, and stroke his ego a lot. But: at least she can content herself with the knowledge that she's the best in the office at what she does, and that her personal life's in better shape than those of either so-called expert.

7. Libby
   Libby's not happy that, after she's tolerated his brazen infidelity for over a decade, her idiot husband has found a new way to disgrace her publicly and barely even seems that embarrassed about it. But she does have the satisfaction of taking ALL his clothes to the Salvation Army, planning an extremely antagonistic divorce, and seeking support from a coven of pot-smoking feminists, which honestly sounds like a great way to spend any weekend.
8. Rick
   Virginia bones Rick, a bartender at her hotel, while Dan's out of town; the next morning, he gets clingy and she shuts him down...
   

   ...and then returns to his bar that night, where he hangs back and acts all pouty. Yes, Rick, Virginia's incredible sex technique has probably permanently ruined you for all other partners, but how about being happy you got to take that ride at all, you stupid crybaby?

9. Virginia
   After happening by chance upon a lecture in her hotel by an unqualified sex columnist and proceeding to hijack it, embarrassing the dude in front of his audience and turning it into an impromptu Human Sexual Response signing, her fans feed into one of Virginia's worst qualities: her entitlement and grandiosity. Without telling her new romantic partner anything about it, she proceeds to barrel ahead into the career she's going to try to have without her former professional partner. But her circumstances at the moment are not great: the man to whom all her work is bound has made so many stupid decisions that she has no choice but to accept Hef's conditions so they can take Hef's money. So it's probably a good thing she fucked that twentysomething bartender while she could, because the rest of her life sucks.
10. Dale
    The clinic's new patient is impotent because he's keeping a sexual secret from his wife.
    

    He has a serious foot fetish. He's embarrassed to tell her -- even though she would probably be psyched that he pays any attention to her accessories at all -- but at least he can get hard. Which is good, because the surrogacy program is...probably over.

11. Bill
    For someone who's been waiting this entire time to see Bill Masters's comeuppance, I couldn't have scripted this any better. Drunk driving that ends without fatalities but with an embarrassing church-related accident? Yes. Delightful AA group leader who excels at telling him the truth without coddling his ego? Hell yes. Finding his closet empty of suits...
    

    ...and then later locating them at a thrift store, wrapped around a hobo?

    

    Maybe in my version, instead of needing his suit so that he can look presentable when he's summoned to the Playboy mansion for his Hef meeting and realizing when he looks in the mirror that he's no different from this homeless guy, Bill gives up on his old clothes and just kills himself instead. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU COULD TELL LAST SEASON BUT I AM REAL DONE WITH THIS FUCKPAIL.

    Anyway: Bill admits that the clinic's legal issues are his responsibility; he accepts a new status quo at work that will find him and Virginia pursuing separate practices under the same roof, and with new partners. I'm not sure either of them is actually ready to end their work (or their "work") together forever and ever -- when Bill says he accepts that Virginia will never want him, she looks gutted -- and I'm sure Bill will build himself back up to his old arrogance and self-regard, but for now I'm ready to be happy with what I get: Bill trudging through life blanketed in all the shame he's brought upon himself, with frequent interruptions from the various women in his life telling him he ain't shit.