CBS Throws Masters And Johnson Under The Bus

Kinds Of Touching Bill And Virginia Engage In To Coax Bill's Boner Out Of Hiding (Which Finally Works, BTW)

• caressing each other's hands
• foot massage
• shoulder massage
• face petting
• naked standup handjob

"I Successfully Completed Penetrative Sex Seven Days In A Row: Where's My Parade? ...Oh, There It Is."

The Scene: Bill comes out of the house to grab the paper and finds himself starring in a ticker tape parade next to Virginia, in Jackie Kennedy drag, though they don't progress very far before the way is blocked by Libby standing in the middle of the road.

The Symbol: A celebration that casts Bill in the role of John F. Kennedy, on the eve of his presidential inauguration.

The Meaning: Bill's revived hard-on makes him feel as virile as the young and vibrant new president. It's just too bad about his big dumb wife.

Libby Has A Secret Love...

Alert Type: Sexual Awakening Alert.

Issue: Now that Libby and Robert have finally done sex and Libby understands why people like it, she can't wait to be around him more. Maybe all the time!

Complicating Factors: Robert is less naïve about the world, and hence is wary of continuing his entanglement with her. In fact, when she comes over to his house to talk about their relationship, he tells her firmly that sleeping with her was a mistake and that he's sorry for it.

Resolution: She challenges him with the suggestion that maybe he slept with her because, irrespective of his work on behalf of civil rights and how his beliefs are thrown into doubt by his attraction for a white woman, maybe he slept with her because he wanted her. And then he takes off her coat and the flimsy little slip she has on underneath and they do it again. And then again on at least one other occasion. Look, they're both hot! Why fight it?!

Spoiler: Oh right, her marriage and her kids. Those jerks.

The Unfit Pit

Situation: George has been talking to Audrey, and since the Europe trip went so well, they've been thinking maybe the kids could spend more time at George's.

What makes it awkward? Virginia is opposed to this plan, and when she says so, George points out that neither he nor Virginia has actually been a particularly great parent, but that Audrey is, and the kids deserve to spend more time with someone who's going to put them first. Virginia doesn't enjoy hearing that, and doesn't know how to counter the accusation.

How is order restored? Virginia thinks order's restored when she goes back to Herb Spleeb, the divorce lawyer in the building, and shows him that though she and George had a custody agreement, George never actually signed it; she thinks if Herb goes to him with the papers and a bit of a threatening attitude, George will cave. But that does not occur.

They Can't Use What You Don't Give Them, But They Can Choose Not To Use What You Do Give Them

Who called the meeting? Shep.

What's it about? He got an early cut of the CBS documentary and is screening it for Bill, Virginia, and Lester.

How'd it go? It's pretty bad. It's set to cheerful industrial-film music; it elides almost all the actual sexual information Bill was able to convey without getting immediately shut down by Roger, the interviewer; and even though Bill (apparently) did order Shep not to let them include anything about how Masters and Johnson are treating sexual dysfunction, somehow that snuck into this cut anyway. But Virginia tries to spin that massively dumbing down what they're doing is going to make their work accessible to a mass audience, and Shep adds that he looked into this Kaufman's book, and that it won't be out for two more months -- well after this documentary airs and puts Masters and Johnson first in the race to be the face of sex research. Bill doesn't seem convinced but I'm sure he'll come around, I mean if we've learned anything about Bill Masters it's how agreeable he is!

We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off To Have A Good Time

Lester and Barbara have started hanging out in a friendly way, though it's not going great: a date to see Pillow Talk has ended with Lester lecturing her about how phony Hollywood movies are in their treatment of romance, which both of them know ALL TOO WELL given their PROBLEMS. Barbara suggests that if Lester is frustrated that their relationship doesn't have a sexual component, maybe they could try hanging out and doing other stuff -- seeing more movies, going bowling, maybe even sleeping together. But JUST SLEEPING. Lester considers whether a life of sexless resignation might be right for him!

Scamazon

Kaufman's book isn't available for two months? Maybe that's true for people who AREN'T the fanciest fucking OB/GYN in St. Louis! Bill wants to read it now, so he's going to call some unidentified someone and start pulling some strings! OH, THE AWESOME POWER!!!

George vs. Virginia

George having refused to sign the papers when Herb brought them over and informed Herb that he's retained his own counsel besides, Virginia realizes she's made a tactical error and has asked George out for a friendly drink to try to smooth things over. But George is not in a conciliatory mood, and lays it out: he wants to put her in front of a judge and have her lay out an hour-by-hour accounting of a typical day in her life, since her long hours and multi-year affair with her boss are definitely going to make her look unfit -- which, given the court's prejudice against fathers in custody matters, is George's only hope. Virginia, getting icily angry, denies that she's unfit, but George says that once it comes out that she earns a living watching people fornicate, the judge is going to have little problem removing her children from her care. It's not quite clear whether she's more horrified by the prospect of losing her children or by George's making the study a matter of public record before it's ready to be published, and when George basically says that, she throws a drink in his face.

Winner: I'm not saying Virginia is an unfit parent, but she could have avoided all this if she hadn't been so stubborn about giving George a little more time with the kids when he seems to have reformed himself into a decent parent, so: George in a walk.

The Erection Connection

Who called the meeting? Bill.

What's it about? Now that he and Virginia have apparently solved Bill's impotence, Bill wants to share what they've learned with Lester.

How'd it go? Poorly. Lester says that he's solved his own problem, and it's by having a completely celibate relationship with Barbara. He's twenty-nine -- old enough to have realized that one doesn't get everything one wants in this life. Bill, horrified, says that sex is a human need just like breathing or eating, and that for Lester and Barbara to decide it's just not for them won't be a viable permanent solution. He's asking Lester to consider "a new way." Lester does not seem convinced?

Austin's Always Been A Starfucker, He Just Didn't Realize How Close Flo Was To Stardom

Ever since Flo revealed to Austin that (a) her family is loaded (her father owns a chain of hardware stores); (b) her brother has a job in the new administration; (c) she's going to the inauguration; and (d) first she's going to a giant fancy party to celebrate her father's having delivered Missouri to Kennedy, Austin's realized that maybe he's not so disgusted by her after all! How about that!!! He's magnanimously offered to escort her like the Disney prince he is! But she's not into it.

The Mother Load

Alert Type: Having It All Alert.

Issue: Virginia is trying to talk through her options with Libby with regard to the kids.

Complicating Factors: Libby is not being a HUGE help because her relationship with Robert -- which she can't talk about in so many words -- has made her realize she might need more out of life than just to be a mother.

Resolution: Libby suggests that maybe the key to happiness is to be satisfied with the life you have, and not to pine for the life you thought you might have.

Spoiler: Virginia kind of takes Libby's advice even if Libby doesn't.

Now Virginia's A Game Theorist Too?

Situation: Bill has to talk to Virginia about the Kaufman's manuscript, which he's acquired and read (judging it unserious), and about their own TV documentary, but she stops him to tell him how she solved her problem with George: she agreed to his terms and gave him primary custody of the kids, knowing that when the documentary airs, it will legitimize her work with Bill in the court's eyes and allow her to get them back in the end.

What makes it awkward? Judging by Bill's terror at this report, he knows something about the documentary she doesn't that could jeopardize her great plan.

How is order restored? It's not, and as we'll soon find out, Bill is not a great partner.

Kaufman!

Who called the meeting? Shep.

What's it about? Some other TV network has made an advancer on Kaufman's book, which is airing...now, in front of everyone's horrified eyes.

How'd it go? Well, bad. We've JUST seen that the phone call summoning Virginia here came immediately after she informed her children that they're going to go live with their dad and their reaction was basically, "Oh, cool," which shattered her. Things decline from there. Shep is furious that someone fucked up and allowed Kaufman to sneak onto TV ahead of Masters and Johnson, and blames Lester for having talked to the wrong person and gotten the Masters and Johnson documentary spiked. Virginia is shocked to see that Kaufman has a partner, and that it's...Ethan! So she runs into the exam room to berate herself for having somehow caused this to happen via her past relationship with Ethan, and to sob that now that their film isn't going to air, she's basically fucked on custody. GEE, HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN YOU GUYS?!

Lester and Barbara have gone out to another movie -- and since this one's subtitled and in black and white, obviously he picked it! She doesn't get what he wanted her to see in it, and he tries to explain that it portrayed the messiness of relationships, the way they really are, or at least the way they can be! The characters in the movie might not have been happy all the time, but at least they had "THAT"! She doesn't know what he means, so he grabs her and passionately kisses her! When they come back up for air, he asks her not to give up on sex, and to try again, with him! So Bill was right! Lester DOES like both breathing and boning!

Bill is drinking in some bar when he gets a visit from...the provost?! Turns out Barton's the one Bill called about Kaufman's manuscript! He used Ethan's shitty treatment of Vivian to guilt him into handing over the manuscript; he also called the network with a tip! He can see that Bill doesn't look happy about how his evil plan came together, and Bill has to admit that he by not telling Virginia about it, he has...kind of ruined her life! He says he wishes he could take it back, but Barton's not so sure he does, and reminds Bill of how he blackmailed Barton into keeping the study at Maternity way back when! He says he knows a little something about being scared to let people in, and exposits that he's back to being just a regular doctor, which he likes, and that Margaret hasn't left him yet but that he doesn't know how she spends her time! (I do -- it's with her OTHER dippy blonde daughter!) At least now they're facing the future together, though, without any secrets -- WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE, BILL?!

Back in bed with Libby, Robert's like, "This has got to stop"! But Libby doesn't know that at all! She knows that her husband's "been having an affair for years" (ooh, she DOES know!), and that she tried to pretend it wasn't happening and look the other way and focus on her children, but that meeting him made her realize that she wants what they have! "I know that I want it. That is something that I know. I know I want to feel"!

And then we're in a montage of everyone watching Kennedy's inauguration! Austin, moping in the Cal-o-Metric office, marvels that the president is not wearing a top hat, and then goes back to hating himself!

Libby and Robert share a look behind the heads of all the hopeful CORE staffers in the office!

In a break from the news, Tessa and Henry pack suitcases to take to their unfit mom's!

Betty watches the inaugural address, welling up!

And finally, Bill and Virginia are back in their lab coats to implore Lester and Barbara to give them another shot at fixing up their busted parts! As Lester and Barbara glance at each other and dare to hope, we hear a snippet from JFK's inaugural address about "revolution" this and a torch being passed to a generation born in this century that! A LITTLE ON THE NOSE BUT THAT MIGHT AS WELL BE THE SEASON 2 TAGLINE, RIGHT? See you next year for more fighting and fucking!