Masters Of Sex Demonstrates Why Pioneering Sex Researchers Should Have Lawyers On Retainer

Papa Said Knock You Out

The Scene: Francis Masters watches a boxing match with Johnny Masters, the grandson he never actually lived to know, in a dream Bill is having/profusely sweating from.

The Symbol: Boxing itself (and not for the first time on this show). One of the fighters is Bill, whom Francis critiques to Johnny in their ringside seats: "Stay down, you're beat! A man's got to know when he's beat, son. A man has got to learn."

The Meaning: Bill's instinct to keep throwing punches past the point when a sensible person would give up is not serving him well in dealing with his current troubles.

Birthday Sex

Apparently, Barton has wisely heeded Betty's advice and made peace with Jonathan, because when we rejoin them today, he's getting busted, by Jonathan, for demonstrating poor morning-after etiquette by trying to sneak out without waking Jonathan up. Off Jonathan's patient, amused direction, Barton corrects himself, saying, "I had a lovely time with you. Let's do it again. Also, I like you very much." "Then stay," Jonathan urges. "Have breakfast." Barton says he should get home and change rather than show up for work in the same clothes he was wearing the day before, but Jonathan suggests that he just borrow one of Jonathan's ties, adding, "You're not going to leave me to have breakfast by myself on my birthday, are you?" Barton says that they should celebrate tonight: Barton will cook! He has a nice Bordeaux he's been saving! Jonathan says he would like that: "A quiet dinner at home. Perfect." Nothing about his manner suggests that he doesn't mean it, because I guess he probably -- unfortunately -- has some experience dating men who are only out to like three people, but still, smarten up, Barton, and start acting like you know this dude is out of your league!

Virginia vs. Bill

Virginia had arranged for her dad to come watch the kids that I guess she remembered she had and blow town for a few days to clear her head in light of recent confusing events when Libby showed up to her house and enlisted her in the battle to solve Bill's current "child molestation charges" problem, so since she's (apparently) cancelled her trip and obliged Libby by showing up at the office to talk to Bill about it, she is OVER IT. Apparently, Dennis's never-seen mom (I guess Dale Dickey wasn't available?) sent a lawyer over to the Masters house to let them know the charges would be dropped if Bill just wrote a cheque; Libby thinks he should pay, and Virginia agrees, informing him that, based on her exchange with Mr. Sturgis earlier, she thinks rumours about the situation may have already leaked. Bill tries to stand on principle, whining that he's not going to give in to extortion, but Virginia tells him that he is going to pay: "Libby and I are aligned on this." And just in case he thought he was going to do anything cute, she adds some very explicit instructions: "And for the record, the money cannot come from the clinic. I will not have my hard-earned wages siphoned off to clean up your personal mess. Nor will I have The Hwarrrrkh sullied, nor will I let the clinic be put at risk." (I still mostly like Virginia, but seriously, her over-pronunciation on words like "work" and "ex-ACCCCCCT-ly" has GOT to stop in Season 4.) Then she drops her invisible mic and stomps out to her office.

Winner: Virginia. Wait, sorry, it seems Bill thinks he has anything to add? Which he does not? But he goes next door to Virginia's office anyway, telling her that maybe she's right. "Just write the cheque so we can get back to work," says Virginia wearily. Bill says he can see she's still mad about what happened in New York -- OMG HE MUST BE A FUCKING PSYCHIC -- but she tells him she doesn't want to talk about it. Bill presses on, saying he didn't know another way he could show her the truth about Dan, adding that he knows they have much to repair at the clinic and between the two of them, but that they've come through worse trials and that they'll get through this as well. And IN FACT, he also wanted Virginia to know that, on the next book, he's going to drop the "M.D." from after his name: "So it is clear to all that we are perfect equals in our partnership." Oh God, I can't believe he thinks this is actually going to make any damn difference to Virginia, who--

Aw, fuck, it totally does. Virginia is visibly moved, but she quickly regains her composure and tells him that what matters right now is protecting "The Whorrrrrqrkh" and the clinic, which will start when he writes a cheque to Mrs. Daughtry. Before Bill can either agree to do that or not, Betty comes in to tell them their editor Bob Drag is there. Saved by the...Bob?

Winner: Draw.

Yaaaaay, What A Great Time For A Big, Braggy Party!

Situation: In light of the deal Bill and Virginia just struck for their new book, Little, Brown is throwing a press conference at the office! Except, not a regular press conference, which journalists are sick of; Bob wants to make it more like they're taking the reporters on an exclusive tour through the world-famous Masters & Johnson clinic!

What makes it awkward? Basically everything? Bill's in the middle of a blackmail scheme; Virginia hates his guts. It's just not a super-great time for them to have to act like respectable professional partners in front of reporters and cameras.

How is order restored? Virginia, seasoned performer, groks what the stakes are and snaps into character: "A journey that began ten years ago, when Dr. Masters and I decided to blaze a trail into the previously unexplored arena of human sexuality." Bill can't really appreciate what an asset she is in terms of how she makes up for all the qualities he lacks because Nora appears to call him away, which...is a restoration of the natural order of the partnership in a nutshell, really.

Rental Dam

Situation: Nora's got a patient waiting, but first, she has to talk to Bill.

What makes it awkward? She tells Bill she's not in a fit state to go in and minister to him because her landlord is threatening to put her and all her things out in the street. Bill offers to write her a reference she can give him, but he's not interested in any reference; he needs her rent. She adds that she knows it's wrong, but that she doesn't have anyone else she could ask for help. Bill says he thought she was getting a job, to which Nora says she would have kind of a hard time doing that when she's at the clinic six days a week. ("That seems like a YP, Nora, figure out your schedule and prioritize" is what I would say if I hadn't known since she first showed up that this broad was a plant.) Nora whines that she's good at the surrogacy work and that she doesn't want to have to leave the program, but that if she's being forced to make a choice between fondling strangers -- I'm paraphrasing -- or not being homeless.... When Bill hesitates, Nora twists the knife, hinting around about that time he started to bone her and then didn't: "Surely you want to make things right with me."

How is order restored? Bill has no problem bowing to this extortion, and gives her $200 cash: "But this has to be the last time." Nora tells him she won't forget it...

...and I guess neither will her "patient" who heard this entire exchange. TOLDJA.

Turn Your Divorce Into A Divorce-arita!

Betty and Virginia are in the middle of showing Bob around the office when Dan rolls up to be a mature adult and try to have a mature adult relationship with the lady he likes. He's mildly irritated that Virginia's been dodging his calls, and when she tries to excuse herself by saying she didn't love having to hear about the "laundry list of affairs" he's had or what he was going to tell her to trick her into being with him from "your wife," Dan's like, "She's no longer my wife." It seems he's just returned from Mexico, where he obtained a quickie divorce, and I guess he left every symbol of his ex-marriage there.

Now that he's been through it, Dan can help Virginia through the process of getting her own divorce (¡olé!), but Virginia sighs that divorcing George would be easy: "It's everything else." Because Dan is not stupid, he was evidently prepared for this response, and deliberately sits to tell her some shit: "Not everything. One thing. Virginia, I understand the hold Bill has on you, and I can see how tangled it is with The Work, and I know how much your work means to you...and I would never ask you to leave it. I would ask -- insist, in fact -- that I mean at least that much." Virginia puts on her most perplexed forehead...

...to say she's been so happy with Dan, but that she doesn't see how he and The Work can ever be compatible; not only that, but she doesn't see Bill ever accepting their relationship. "It's not up to him," says Dan. "Bill can never make you happy, not as a man to love, you know this. I know this. Virginia, I'm here because I love you, and I want you to be my wife, but I can't run after you trying to make you see things you already know. That I can't do." Uggggggggggh I HATE THAT I KNOW HOW THIS STORY HAS TO END. STUPID FUCKING BILL.

Betty, Rocker

Barton wanders in amid all the prep for the press conference journey and marvels at the fancy food; when Betty tells him there'll be roast beef later, he replies that he's making roast beef later too! He knows he should make real mashed potatoes to go with it, but that he doesn't have the gear, and is it okay to use boxed instead? Dropping his voice to a discreet volume, he confides that he's having Jonathan over for a homemade birthday dinner. Betty, clearly trying to reserve judgment (at first), asks whether dinner at home was Jonathan's idea, and when Barton asks what's wrong with staying in, Betty decides to drop her pretense of objectivity: "Aside from the fact that you're hiding this nice young man in your apartment making him watch the boob tube and eat spuds on his birthday? Take him out! Someplace nice, where there's tablecloths and candles, and they scrape up the crumbs with those little breadcrumb scrapers!" "Two grown men eating a candlelit meal to celebrate a birthday?" asks Barton dubiously. "Doesn't that seem a little--" "GAY?!" yelps Betty, awesomely. Instead of letting him dig a deeper hole, Betty declares that she's making them a dinner reservation at Vincente's, and because she is a good friend, she bulldozes any possible objections: "You're going. Bon appetit." Betty used to really bug me but other than the Scullys she's basically the only character on the show worth a damn anymore, and her secret support of Barton only makes her awesomer. (See also: the fact that in this episode she apparently doesn't bother calling Bob by his name and insists on referring to him as "the Little, Brown man" -- which, when you only hear it and don't see it written out with punctuation and capitals, just comes across as "the little brown man." Hee hee hee.)

The little brown man (hee hee) is micromanaging a "candid" photo shoot of Bill working at his desk when Nora's patient knocks on his office door. Bill comes out to say Nora should have brought him by Bill's office when they were finished with their session, but the patient announces, "I won't be continuing with the treatment. In fact, I'm not here for the treatment at all." RUH ROH.

Over in their tête-à-tête, Virginia's trying to tell Dan that her hesitation about committing to a future with him isn't about him at all: "It's all of it, it's--" "The work," Dan finishes it, PRONOUNCING IT LIKE A NORMAL ENGLISH-SPEAKING HUMAN. Dan seems resigned to the idea that Virginia's getting ready to dump him, and tells her in a very farewelly way that he's grateful to her regardless: he was stuck in his marriage for years longer than he should have been, and it's only because of his love for Virginia that he worked up the courage to leave. He just wants to do the same for her: "Give you the strength to go, but only if you want me on the other end of it. 'Cause if not, then...well, then I will take my broken heart and go."

Virginia, dumb idiot/child, can't make herself respond to this in any way, and Dan finally takes her silence as an answer, patting her hand and pulling his away. Knitting her brow, she's about to stop him on his way out the door...

...when they both see Nora's alleged patient flashing his badge at Bill. Virginia comes out to see what the deal is, and probably wishes she hadn't as the cop says that this matter concerns her as well.

AND HOW.

The Bill's Coming Due, And Everyone's Going To Have To Pay

It's a good thing for Virginia and Bill that they thought ahead and invited the local Chief of Police to be on the clinic's board, because it means he can pull them out of holding and explain the situation: they're being charged with "pandering and prostitution." Sturgis has, of course, been making all kinds of accusations against Virginia and Bill and the clinic for months, but the chief never took them seriously because he was clearly a nut. But then Dennis's mother brought her complaint against Bill, and between that and the co-operating member of the surrogacy program corroborating Sturgis's claims, the cops can no longer ignore things. Virginia very confidently says that all the surrogates are unpaid volunteers, so there's no way any of this is going to amount to anything, RIGHT, BILL?! Momentarily speechless as the import of how gigantically he's fucked up washes over him, Bill finally manages to choke out the truth about the money he gave Nora to "help" her with "her rent" -- but like, she couldn't stop saying how much the program meant to her! She participated fully! She was committed! The chief's like, committed to Sturgis, dipshit. He should lock the clinic doors while it/they are under investigation, but instead he's going to give them a chance to make some arrangements, like getting a lawyer. Wait, GETTING A LAWYER? They run a sex clinic and don't have a lawyer? They run ANY KIND OF BUSINESS and don't have a lawyer? They started up this incredibly risky surrogacy program without consulting a lawyer? GOOD LORD. There's contrivance for the sake of a plot, and then there's this.

Anyway, the chief concludes by saying he's been trying to track down Libby so she can come post Bill's bail, but Virginia's has already been taken care of. As soon as she hears this, she stomps straight out of the room, ignoring Bill as he calls after her, as she should.

Libby vs. Bill

The chief finally catches Libby when she's taking a minute or twenty to watch like a creep while Paul's real estate agent shows his house to a potential tenant -- that dude's gone for at least a year, and at most forever and ever, and who can blame him, poor bastard -- so she shows up at the police station to post Bill's bail; but first, they're going to chat. As usual, Bill looks right through Libby, hysterically babbling about how he has to talk to Virginia. "You're worried about Virginia?" Libby asks, with whatever the diametric opposite of incredulity is, but it forces Bill to cover: "Virginia, the clinic, you -- everything!" He then adds that he needs to talk to Nora and make her admit to the authorities that the money he gave her was not for her surrogacy work, at which Libby stops being blasé, telling him that on no account may he talk to Nora, since he's CHARGED WITH KIND OF A SERIOUS CRIME, which wouldn't have happened if not for Nora's claims about him. But that's not all: Bill also wants to talk to Dennis, or try to reason with his mother, and maybe throw a press conference. Libby loses it and tells him, basically, that he's insane, and that his work isn't the reason this stuff is happening: it's because he's reckless. He's always trying to spin a million plates and control everyone around him, but that it has to stop, and given that they're having this conversation in a police station, he...can't really argue.

As Libby's comments sink in, Bill lowers himself into a chair; she follows suit. Bill then makes a shocking announcement.

This is probably the funniest thing Libby's heard all day, and as she starts bitterly chuckling, Bill clarifies: "With-- With Virginia." This only makes her laugh harder, and when Bill gets concerned and makes sure she understands he's not kidding, Libby says she knows he isn't: "I know this, Bill." This fucking guy is SO SELF-INVOLVED and OBLIVIOUS that when Libby tells him she's known about his relationship with Virginia for years, he is astonished: "How could you live like that?" "Not well," says Libby frankly. "Certainly not easily." But, she says, she decided long ago that their family and their children matter more than anything else. "Not more than anything," says Bill, like, of course he'd say that; he's never had any use for their kids. Libby tells him this isn't the time to hash out their marital challenges, but I guess since everything has to happen on his timetable, they're going to talk about it, or rather, he's going to talk at her -- he didn't mean to hurt her, he didn't realize she was making him feel bad or that she had any inkling of how little of him she was getting, yada. She waves him off, but he insists that they can't go home and continue like this: she deserves a real marriage, or a chance at it...

...and at this, Libby gets really pissed. Warning Bill not to say things he can't un-say, she informs him that he doesn't just get to decide this is the time to end their marriage because he thinks he sees a future for himself with Virginia, which by the way, he will not have, because Virginia and Libby already agreed that Virginia would never take Bill from his family: "We made a pact." Bill is astonished anew that Libby and Virginia colluded behind his back, but Libby doesn't think it's that big a deal: "We took a page from your own playbook, Bill." She did what she had to in order to keep their family safe. Bill says they're not safe, though -- and given that they're having this conversation in a police station, he...has a point -- but Libby's not giving him that one, and cries, "You are the biggest fool that I know. But much to my heart's regret, I am the second-biggest fool. Oh, you cannot begin to understand the things I have given up for you."

And with that, Libby grabs her purse and makes for the door, telling Bill he's going to have to make other arrangements: "I will not bail you out. You cannot come home." Fuuuuuuuuuck. Finally!

Winner: Libby.

Virginia vs. Nora

Virginia's packing her shit when Nora -- the goddamn nerve on this one -- wanders in with a box of her own. (Did Nora have...a locker? What is this clinic?) Nora is not a complete wacko so she gets that Virginia isn't super-psyched to see her or about what she did, but she hopes that Virginia will understand and be grateful someday. When she adds that she searched her heart and prayed on it before she embarked upon this honeypot scheme, Virginia sneers, "Please leave God out of it." "We can't leave God out of anything!" Nora exclaims. She used to be unhappy and lost, just like Virginia. But when Sturgis told Nora about Human Sexual Response and Nora realized it was co-written by someone she knew, she felt it must be a sign! Virginia tells Nora bitterly that she and Bill, not God, actually help people directly, and that because of Nora's actions, more people will end up confused, unhappy, and lonely. Nora tries one more time to tell Virginia to mend her ways...

...whereupon Virginia clocks her with her box and stomps on out. Emily Kinney is pretty far down on the list of former Walking Dead cast members I'd want to meet that fate, but it's still pretty enjoyable.

Winner: Virginia.

Bye Billicia

Virginia's just finished fleeing the clinic with Dan; going home and packing a bag; getting her dad to sign off on her plan to go to Mexico with Dan (even though if she's out on bail she's probably not supposed to leave the state?) and get divorced so she and Dan can get married; and let Dan slide a gigantic diamond ring onto her finger when the goddamn phone rings, and of course, it's Bill, calling Virginia because he's alienated literally every other person he knows, apparently. When Virginia gets there, it seems Barton's already paid at Betty's request, so there's nothing left for Bill to do while he waits for his paperwork to get processed than tell her everything that's in his heart. Or so he would think, since that's usually how things go between them. But this time, when he reaches her in the hall, she tries to head off the awkwardness: "Bill, before you say anything, I want you to listen, because-- because there's nothing left to be decided. Between us. Or said, even, but I did want you to hear it from me." But Bill can't even listen when he's directly ordered to, and interrupts her to say, "Virginia, I love you. I always have. I've loved you so deeply, for the longest time. I can hardly make sense of it. I should have said this long ago. I should have put you first. And now I can, because I also believe, deep down, despite our struggles -- despite all this mess, which I promise I will make right -- I also believe that you love me too." As he's been speeching this at her, he's taken her hand, and when he stops for breath, he actually feels it, and then looks.

Virginia explains that she's going to Mexico, and then to Las Vegas. She tells Bill he was right about her in many ways -- she does love The Whirrrrqhkh and the accomplishments they've achieved together -- but he was wrong when he told her she wants those things in place of happiness: "I want to be happy in a life bigger than Wyrrrrrrccccck. I can't be a whole person without that." Bill says he can't let her go, but it's too late: "You have to," she tells him. "If you love me like you say that you do, you want to put me first, you won't get in my way. You'll let me go. I want to go." And then she actually goes! BUT HOW LONG WILL SHE BE GONE UUUUUUUUUUGH.

Human Sexual Festivity

What's the occasion? The announcement of the thrilling new book about sex by the illustrious Masters & Johnson!

What are the refreshments? Roast beef, little cakes, booze, maybe some boner-shaped cookies or something.

Whose big public scene will everyone be talking about tomorrow? Bob tells Betty he's heard from a friend who works at the police department that Bill is there, in jail, and why Bill's been detained. And since Bob's job is on the line, if Bill and Virginia don't show up and thus embarrass him at this event, he's going to get in front of all the reporters and tell them exactly why the authors aren't present. So: probably that, if Betty doesn't figure out a way to get her bosses to forget their personal shit and think about the future of their business.

Bill's at the police station thinking about how his whole world's just been shattered and he lost everything and also he might end up going to prison when Betty calls and tells him to GET TO THE OFFICE, with Virginia, or else the Little, Brown man is going to put them on blast. "That wouldn't just be the end of the book, that would be the end of the clinic!" Bill gasps. "That would be the end of everything! Virginia would never let that happen!" Like, I don't know about "never" at this point. Just in time, the cop on the desk hands him his discharge papers and Bill asks how long it will take him to get to the airport downtown from here! Twenty minutes! TO THE AIRPORT!

At said airport, Dan and Virginia stand politely waiting their turn with the gate agent, Virginia's hand comfortably resting in Dan's crooked arm! When they step up to hand over their boarding passes, Virginia can't help peeking over her shoulder, but no one is there!

Bill tries to keep his shit together in the back seat of his cab!

Walking out toward the plane, Virginia sneaks another backward look, but this time Dan decides to let her know he's noticed her doing it: "Are you afraid he's coming, or are you afraid he's not." "Let's go," she chuckles. YES, VIRGINIA, GO. STOP TURNING BACK.

In the cab, Bill hears his father's voice, saying what he'd told Johnny in his dream the night before: "A man's got to know when he's beat, son. A man's got to learn. Using his head to block punches -- that's his strategy! Too damn stubborn or damn stupid to know when he's beat. Stay down! You're beat!" I THINK WE GET IT!

Virginia's about to walk up the stairs onto her plane and STILL WAITING for Bill to come The Graduate her before she can do it!

But Bill...finally listens to his ghost dad, and tells the cabbie to pull over. "Nah, we're gonna make it!" says the driver. "Pull over anyway," says Bill. He gets his wallet out of his police station envelope to pay the driver, who offers to take him back uptown.

I get it. I just don't believe it.

Fucking Bill. I refuse to believe you actually learned anything this season.